We told our son 3 months ago (well I led the convo) that we are divorcing. He took it hard and I still bring it up and he’s short with me. I’m renting a nice place 4 miles away and got his room together etc. he has no interest in going over to my place. So, I’ve been just staying in the family home and still doing everything and trying to be close to him but dying inside as me and his dad are amicable but we don’t talk. Roommates as it has been for 20 yrs. We don’t fight in front of him. But I don’t want to not see my son. I’m paying for my other place but only go there for a few hrs a day because it’s just so damn hard. What do I do? I wanted to leave 5 yrs ago but couldn’t leave my son at that age. For my mental health I needed to start the process. I love my son so much. Please be kind everyone’s situation is different. I just don’t know what to do. Should I just continue to come over 4-5 days a week for 2 more yrs? So I can see him?
My 15 yr old son chooses
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@rejected I'm just trying to be a little bit objective.
I don't have the whole story. But it sounds like your son either wants stability or to be with his dad. I don't know your situation but he is at the age where you should begin to start choosing to respect his choices.
And I might sound mean I'm saying this but it's realistic. I see the lawyer language of "family home". But you need to decide what the most important thing is to you right now. Because the way I'm reading that is you're still cohabitating with your current husband because you want to spend time with your kid.
That's just going to make the situation worse if this is true.
I don't have the whole story. But it sounds like your son either wants stability or to be with his dad. I don't know your situation but he is at the age where you should begin to start choosing to respect his choices.
And I might sound mean I'm saying this but it's realistic. I see the lawyer language of "family home". But you need to decide what the most important thing is to you right now. Because the way I'm reading that is you're still cohabitating with your current husband because you want to spend time with your kid.
That's just going to make the situation worse if this is true.
I just don’t want him to be confused. I talk to my therapist this week on things and thanks for this advice.@rejected Have you had a reckoning with him like the near adult he is??
Perhaps you guys sugar coating it isn't helping his confusion and resistance.. from his view point it may very well look like you are just being selfish.
Have you explained in, as appropriate as needed information, why your relationship is no longer a healthy choice? That you wish to show him that these things need to be addressed and sometimes that means ending unhealthy relationships.
Teach him that you mean well by doing well. Don't sit in limbo because it will send him even more mixed signals.
If you achieve nothing of significance during this period because you are ruminating and lingering, it will all be for nothing.. how will you date, grow a career, go live, if you're just waiting at your ex's house to placate your confused child. Fan away the fog, rip off the bandaid, and clear the confusion. It doesn't have to be "good guy bad guy" situation if you are simply stating the facts.
Perhaps you guys sugar coating it isn't helping his confusion and resistance.. from his view point it may very well look like you are just being selfish.
Have you explained in, as appropriate as needed information, why your relationship is no longer a healthy choice? That you wish to show him that these things need to be addressed and sometimes that means ending unhealthy relationships.
Teach him that you mean well by doing well. Don't sit in limbo because it will send him even more mixed signals.
If you achieve nothing of significance during this period because you are ruminating and lingering, it will all be for nothing.. how will you date, grow a career, go live, if you're just waiting at your ex's house to placate your confused child. Fan away the fog, rip off the bandaid, and clear the confusion. It doesn't have to be "good guy bad guy" situation if you are simply stating the facts.
@michal613 Thank you so much. I appreciate this and your advice is better than anyone I talked to for the last year. I love this.
@michal613 Yah I have to keep talking to him we both love him so much. Good points thank u.
@rejected My parents separated in my late teens and honestly I just would have preferred if they did it when I was a kid and I wouldn’t have felt responsible for them. I felt immense pressure to be fair to both parents when I was just angry with them. And I felt such pity for them because their lives didn’t improve - they were just lonely and sad, constantly seeking validation and company. I was relieved when they got back together 5 years later even though I knew it wasn’t for love - it was just because they hadn’t moved forward. Take from that what you will.
savedbyyeshua
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@rejected My parents separated when I was this age too. I too, chose to stay in the “family home”.
I would ask him to do things out of the house - movies, dinner at his fav spot, take him out for clothes etc. then maybe ask him to come over for a movie night or something with no pressure of sleeping there.
Divorce is much easier on kids when they’re younger because they’re forced to go back and forth. He’s old enough to pick. He wants the stability and consistency of the life he’s always had.
I wouldn’t continue visiting inside your ex’s house. IMO you’re divorced - stay at your own place. This in unfair to your son (confusing) and your ex (no privacy in his own home).
I would ask him to do things out of the house - movies, dinner at his fav spot, take him out for clothes etc. then maybe ask him to come over for a movie night or something with no pressure of sleeping there.
Divorce is much easier on kids when they’re younger because they’re forced to go back and forth. He’s old enough to pick. He wants the stability and consistency of the life he’s always had.
I wouldn’t continue visiting inside your ex’s house. IMO you’re divorced - stay at your own place. This in unfair to your son (confusing) and your ex (no privacy in his own home).