My 11 y.o. daughter doesn't like her dad

sylvianlight

New member
My 11 year old daughter cannot stand her father. She doesn't want to go over to his home, ever. It is a fight nearly every single time that she needs to go there and it is getting worse. We do not have a custody agreement because we split up when she was 3 months old and for the most part, do pretty well. We did not have a dramatic breakup and had barely been together a year. Have you seen the movie Knocked Up? That's basically what happened in this situation. I'm close with his parents and his sister--my family and I just attended her wedding, actually--and typically get along with most people in the world. I'm by no means a saint and at times I've been too emotional when dealing with Scott, but, for the most part I've done a lot of personal therapy to become an adult and effective co-parent.

However, this situation seems like it may not be able to continue. She has hated going to his house since she was about 8 years old. She would throw fits like I'd never seen when she was younger. Now, at 11, nothing works. She would rather be grounded from her phone, from her friends, from anything than going over there. Short of physically forcing her into a car, I do not know what else to do.

Scott is odd. He just is. He's only dated once seriously, a girl way too young (had barely turned 20) for the situation. It takes maturity to be in a co-parenting relationship and she didn't have it. I've been with my husband since my daughter was 6 months old and he and Scott have a cordial relationship. But Scott is odd. He doesn't seem to like girls very much and frequently minimizes and invalidates the things our daughter cares about. He does not celebrate any holidays with her and he only ever takes her out to eat. They do not even have a fully functioning kitchen. He is not poor, so that isn't why. He doesn't try to get to know her and he manipulates her feelings.

On Christmas eve, she asked to come back to my house around 11a. They were not doing anything, there was no tree, no presents, no joy. When he dropped her off, she tried to hug him and say goodbye and he walked off in a huff. She sent him a text message at my urging on Christmas saying "Merry Christmas Dad! I love you, see you soon." He did not reply. He took her on a vacation once and they had a rough trip coming back because preteens are hard... and he didn't reach out to me or her for two weeks... this is difficult for a family that doesn't have a schedule or a custody plan.

I live in Missouri. I know that the state would most likely want to see a 50/50 split if we were to go to court. I don't think he will want that to happen and I don't either.. but I don't know what to do. My kid can't stand him. He isn't abusive and I don't fear for her safety there, but he does hurt her heart quite often with his moods. What do I do? Do I keep forcing her to go there? What happens when she physically refuses to go?

He is a LEO. I have always agreed to work around his schedule so he typically has her once a week, when he is off. But he only wants her when it is convenient for him. He will also usually wait until the last minute to let me know of his schedule, too.

Please advise me, Reddit. I've never posted on one of these forums, but I'm at a loss of what to do.

Edited to add: I say he is not abusive and he isn't NOW, but the reason we split up when she was an infant was because when she was crying and he couldn't stand it anymore, he squeezed her butt hard enough to leave bruises on her. He was young and she was colicky, so while I understood how it could happen, I could not forgive him and that is why we split up. He was mandated to go to parenting courses and to anger management courses. He was not left alone with her until she was 4, after that. At first, he would come by my house to see her every so often and as she got older, I would go to his house to let her visit him. When she was old enough to tell me things, we slowly did some unsupervised visits. My daughter does not know any of this occurred and I don't know that I will ever tell her. When I say that I've been too emotional at times dealing with him, I mean that those years ago I was extremely controlling of the situation because I had a legitimate worry for her safety.
 
@sylvianlight First step: counseling for her

And she’s old enough that she should have a say in this... if she’s not comfortable being there, then it could be detrimental to force her to go. Maybe reduce the amount of time she’s with him? But counseling first without a doubt, and maybe if her dad is open to it, some family counseling after she’s had a chance to speak to someone on her own for a bit.
 
@eppievillaruel Thanks so much for replying to my first post, ever! Kayla is in therapy. She's been going to a really great therapist for about 2 months. I've asked her to invite her dad to go and she is adamant that if he comes, she will stop talking.

On the ride back from the store today, I tried to help her see the good parts of her dad. I think that Scott loves his daughter, but he doesn't know how to manage his emotions and be the adult she needs.

So you think limiting may be helpful? I worry that it might be the opposite, that if she sees him even less she will decide she isn't missing anything and never go back 😥
 
@sylvianlight So glad to hear she’s in therapy 🙂

If she decides she isn’t missing anything and never goes back, then so be it. It doesn’t really sound like she or her dad are all that determined to have a good relationship and you shouldn’t want that for them more than they want it, you know? What’s her therapist’s input on the matter? (I know sometimes they refuse to make actual recommendations)

Everyone is different, but sometimes less custody makes the relationship better... maybe he just doesn’t possess the tools/skills to be an effective parent to an 11yo girl. So if she’s there less frequently, he won’t have to do heavy lifting with parenting and they’ll have more quality time as a result. Just a thought.

But if I were you, i wouldn’t force it. She’s very clearly and consistently expressing distress over it and no good is coming from her going against her will.

Truly hope this works out for the best for you and her, and good on you for looking out for her and wanting to do the right thing.
 
@eppievillaruel Thank you for your advice. Her therapist hasn't made any recommendations yet, but Kayla has been extremely stingy with her words about her dad and they haven't discussed it very much.

He called her last night and apologized for what happened on Christmas Eve AND for not replying to her message on Christmas day. I do not know if he asked her to come to his house this weekend or not and he hasn't asked me. She's said she isn't going over there this weekend and maybe not this week, but that she will keep talking to him if he calls her. I wish I could say this was a one-off thing, but it's not. It happens quite often where, he stops being a parent or an adult and doesn't handle his emotions the way he should when interacting with her. Also, he didn't call her because he wanted to or because he thought of it--before I posted yesterday I messaged him to tell him how she had been upset on Xmas Eve. I also told him that she doesn't even really care that he didn't reply to her on Christmas... apathy from a pre-teen is infinitely worse than their hatred.

We will see how it goes, however, after posting here and talking to a close friend I'm going to stop forcing her to go. We do not have a court agreement. She has a cell phone and he can contact her any time he wishes. If he wants to rebuild, heck maybe the word should be build since they've never had a good one, his relationship with her to the point that she wants to see him again, he can work on that. I'm done trying to fix it or heal it or hold it together. She isn't a little girl anymore.
 
@sylvianlight That last paragraph is exactly the right attitude to take. It’s their relationship, so he is the one that needs to put in the work to fix it. I’m sure as a mom (and I’m going through something similar with my 7yo but nowhere near as bad as what you’ve described. She just doesn’t like his live-in girlfriend and feels replaced in that household) it feels like you should try to facilitate the repairing of that relationship, because she’s your baby girl and you don’t want to see her go through this. But ultimately, it’s on him. All you can do at this point is to be supportive of your daughter and to be a safe place for her to land whenever she needs it. You’re doing a great job!
 
@sylvianlight Start by talking to him. Ask if he wants you to force her or not? Or if it should be up to her or at what age he thinks it should be up to her. Worst thing that happens your back to where you are right now. Good luck. My daughter 9 hates bio dad too.
 
@aubsessedtllc We've talked about this so many times with him, but I don't think I've ever actually asked if I should force her, especially at this age. I'm going to ask him the next time he wants her to come over to his house.
 
@sylvianlight Damn. As a father (37m) of a little guy that's about to turn 6 - this is my biggest fear. I'm a firm believer that just like every relationship in life - you get back what you put in. It doesn't sound like he tries that hard to be a part of her life & they probably have little to nothing in common. Idk what the Leo thing has to do with it, but that kinda made me chuckle - my mom and my ex wife are Leo's, but they're the best damn parents I've ever seen. Does he do activities with her when she goes to his house? Do they have anything in common? Do you have a decent enough relationship with him to give him pointers on what she likes and ideas to try to grow their relationship?

I really doubt myself a lot and get very anxious on the days I'm scheduled to pick up my son and he's not even 6 yet, but I deal with severe depression and horrible anxiety (my father committed suicide a few years ago and I've lost 4 other close relatives in the last 5 years; none to natural causes). Perhaps he has similar psychological issues?

I can tell you it's really hard and I had to move back in with my mom (I once owned a $850k house 10 miles from Malibu) - so it was a major "down fall" after my dad died and my wife left me & I don't really know if I could even take care of my son if I didn't have my mom's help when I have him on the weekends.
 
@farmerphil I applaud your honesty and the insight you have about yourself. That will benefit your son seeing that type of openness and self reflection portrayed by his father.
 
@cire212002 Thank you for the kind words. Depression really sucks, my father was a great man and loved his kids more than anything (I'm the oldest of 5), but over the course of 20+ years I watched him deteriorate and it was hard for him to even leave his own bed. He wanted nothing more than to make us happy, but depression doesn't care who you are, where you're from, how much money you have, etc... It's the most fucked up disease on the planet (in my opinion). It's so hard to be a parent when you can't even take care of yourself :(
 
@farmerphil When I split with my ex, she moved to another country with my eldest daughter (11 years old) and it was damned hard work, but our relationship is incredibly strong now. She hated me for a little while, as I kept texting, calling, reaching out, when she would rather be with her friends doing stuff, but she appreciates that effort I put in now that she is almost 21.

As the parent, you have to put that effort in. Take an interest in their lives, encourage them to speak with you even when they just want to sit and ignore you, but keep on with it so that they know that you want to hear about their lives. Participate in events at school / clubs, so your child sees you present. Take them to their sports games, understand that they don't always want to talk to you but let them know that they can.

The fact that you worry about it is a sign that you are a good parent. A bad parent doesn't care or just thinks they will be great, but a good parent worries constantly about how to be a good parent.
 
@farmerphil I'm really sorry that you struggle with anxiety and depression. Those are very tough illnesses, especially to have as a parent. I'm glad you've got your mom as a support team.

Scott and I've had sit down conversations alone and with Kayla to discuss how to make their relationship better, but nothing helps. This has been going on for years now and he doesn't ever take our advice, suggestions, or pleas seriously. He tells her that she's just a kid and she doesn't realize how lucky she is to have 3 parents that love her and that that's enough... but it isn't. He makes frequent criticism about her clothes (she is a VSCO girl or rather, an aspiring one), her taste in music and in movies. I think that he loves his daughter but that he doesn't really know her or... worse... that he doesn't like her because she isn't more like him or something. I don't know how to help them anymore and she has a really nice, really healthy homelife with me. More and more I'm thinking that the right thing to do for her is listen to what she is saying when she says she isn't going over that and to stop forcing her.
 
@sylvianlight Wtf? From how you describe him, I have to wonder why on earth you are forcing her to go see him? She's 11 years old now and if she is so resistant to seeing him, maybe accept that. She's not a toddler, she's a pre-teen and can make up her own mind, which going from how you have described his behaviour, is something you should be paying attention to.
 
@katrina2017 If you have a custody agreement and your children do not go, you can be held in contempt of court. Especially in Missouri, which is a 50/50 state almost exclusively and Scott is a cop. We do not have a custody agreement but if we did, I would have to work within those terms and that means she has to go until a court would agree she doesn't need to see him.

You used an "ou" so I wonder if wherever you're at, the kids get to have more say in their lives.
 
@sylvianlight You say that you're "no saint" and have been "too emotional when dealing" with him. Generally, when I speak to someone who says they're no saint, it's an indicator that they often cause issues. You should consider working with the father to communicate with your daughter and help the relationship grow: counseling, talks, explaining the need to be part of the dual family dynamic, etc. I feel like she might be taking a page out of your book and alienating him.
 
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