sylvianlight
New member
My 11 year old daughter cannot stand her father. She doesn't want to go over to his home, ever. It is a fight nearly every single time that she needs to go there and it is getting worse. We do not have a custody agreement because we split up when she was 3 months old and for the most part, do pretty well. We did not have a dramatic breakup and had barely been together a year. Have you seen the movie Knocked Up? That's basically what happened in this situation. I'm close with his parents and his sister--my family and I just attended her wedding, actually--and typically get along with most people in the world. I'm by no means a saint and at times I've been too emotional when dealing with Scott, but, for the most part I've done a lot of personal therapy to become an adult and effective co-parent.
However, this situation seems like it may not be able to continue. She has hated going to his house since she was about 8 years old. She would throw fits like I'd never seen when she was younger. Now, at 11, nothing works. She would rather be grounded from her phone, from her friends, from anything than going over there. Short of physically forcing her into a car, I do not know what else to do.
Scott is odd. He just is. He's only dated once seriously, a girl way too young (had barely turned 20) for the situation. It takes maturity to be in a co-parenting relationship and she didn't have it. I've been with my husband since my daughter was 6 months old and he and Scott have a cordial relationship. But Scott is odd. He doesn't seem to like girls very much and frequently minimizes and invalidates the things our daughter cares about. He does not celebrate any holidays with her and he only ever takes her out to eat. They do not even have a fully functioning kitchen. He is not poor, so that isn't why. He doesn't try to get to know her and he manipulates her feelings.
On Christmas eve, she asked to come back to my house around 11a. They were not doing anything, there was no tree, no presents, no joy. When he dropped her off, she tried to hug him and say goodbye and he walked off in a huff. She sent him a text message at my urging on Christmas saying "Merry Christmas Dad! I love you, see you soon." He did not reply. He took her on a vacation once and they had a rough trip coming back because preteens are hard... and he didn't reach out to me or her for two weeks... this is difficult for a family that doesn't have a schedule or a custody plan.
I live in Missouri. I know that the state would most likely want to see a 50/50 split if we were to go to court. I don't think he will want that to happen and I don't either.. but I don't know what to do. My kid can't stand him. He isn't abusive and I don't fear for her safety there, but he does hurt her heart quite often with his moods. What do I do? Do I keep forcing her to go there? What happens when she physically refuses to go?
He is a LEO. I have always agreed to work around his schedule so he typically has her once a week, when he is off. But he only wants her when it is convenient for him. He will also usually wait until the last minute to let me know of his schedule, too.
Please advise me, Reddit. I've never posted on one of these forums, but I'm at a loss of what to do.
Edited to add: I say he is not abusive and he isn't NOW, but the reason we split up when she was an infant was because when she was crying and he couldn't stand it anymore, he squeezed her butt hard enough to leave bruises on her. He was young and she was colicky, so while I understood how it could happen, I could not forgive him and that is why we split up. He was mandated to go to parenting courses and to anger management courses. He was not left alone with her until she was 4, after that. At first, he would come by my house to see her every so often and as she got older, I would go to his house to let her visit him. When she was old enough to tell me things, we slowly did some unsupervised visits. My daughter does not know any of this occurred and I don't know that I will ever tell her. When I say that I've been too emotional at times dealing with him, I mean that those years ago I was extremely controlling of the situation because I had a legitimate worry for her safety.
However, this situation seems like it may not be able to continue. She has hated going to his house since she was about 8 years old. She would throw fits like I'd never seen when she was younger. Now, at 11, nothing works. She would rather be grounded from her phone, from her friends, from anything than going over there. Short of physically forcing her into a car, I do not know what else to do.
Scott is odd. He just is. He's only dated once seriously, a girl way too young (had barely turned 20) for the situation. It takes maturity to be in a co-parenting relationship and she didn't have it. I've been with my husband since my daughter was 6 months old and he and Scott have a cordial relationship. But Scott is odd. He doesn't seem to like girls very much and frequently minimizes and invalidates the things our daughter cares about. He does not celebrate any holidays with her and he only ever takes her out to eat. They do not even have a fully functioning kitchen. He is not poor, so that isn't why. He doesn't try to get to know her and he manipulates her feelings.
On Christmas eve, she asked to come back to my house around 11a. They were not doing anything, there was no tree, no presents, no joy. When he dropped her off, she tried to hug him and say goodbye and he walked off in a huff. She sent him a text message at my urging on Christmas saying "Merry Christmas Dad! I love you, see you soon." He did not reply. He took her on a vacation once and they had a rough trip coming back because preteens are hard... and he didn't reach out to me or her for two weeks... this is difficult for a family that doesn't have a schedule or a custody plan.
I live in Missouri. I know that the state would most likely want to see a 50/50 split if we were to go to court. I don't think he will want that to happen and I don't either.. but I don't know what to do. My kid can't stand him. He isn't abusive and I don't fear for her safety there, but he does hurt her heart quite often with his moods. What do I do? Do I keep forcing her to go there? What happens when she physically refuses to go?
He is a LEO. I have always agreed to work around his schedule so he typically has her once a week, when he is off. But he only wants her when it is convenient for him. He will also usually wait until the last minute to let me know of his schedule, too.
Please advise me, Reddit. I've never posted on one of these forums, but I'm at a loss of what to do.
Edited to add: I say he is not abusive and he isn't NOW, but the reason we split up when she was an infant was because when she was crying and he couldn't stand it anymore, he squeezed her butt hard enough to leave bruises on her. He was young and she was colicky, so while I understood how it could happen, I could not forgive him and that is why we split up. He was mandated to go to parenting courses and to anger management courses. He was not left alone with her until she was 4, after that. At first, he would come by my house to see her every so often and as she got older, I would go to his house to let her visit him. When she was old enough to tell me things, we slowly did some unsupervised visits. My daughter does not know any of this occurred and I don't know that I will ever tell her. When I say that I've been too emotional at times dealing with him, I mean that those years ago I was extremely controlling of the situation because I had a legitimate worry for her safety.
