Mother-in-law offered to come stay with us for the first week or two and I feel guilty that I don’t really want that. Am I being unreasonable?

[mousa]

I’m only 8 weeks so have plenty of time to think this over, but my MIL offered to come stay with us when baby is born to “cook and clean.” Though I understand this comes from a good place on her part I am feeling like it is really something I don’t want and that refusing will cause drama with her. There are a couple reasons I’m hesitant:

1. She is an extrovert like my husband and I am an introvert. The idea of essentially having a house guest doesn’t sound like a relaxing recovery to me.
2. I have no issue with people visiting, but I also kind of want to be selfish and have time with just hubby and baby while healing. With someone living with us that wouldn’t happen.
3. This one might sound bad, but I can’t stomach most of what she makes. She only uses canned or premade bagged food. Like enchilada casserole made with cream of chicken and other canned only stuff or instant mashed potatoes. I have type 2 diabetes and hypertension. With the amount of carbs and salt in everything she makes I don’t think I could eat it even if I wanted to.
4. She can be very passive aggressive, especially with my husband. She has a tendency to know how to make him feel guilty for stuff even when she is in the wrong. I also find it a bit fishy that she only brought it up with him and not both of us. She also takes everything personally. If she offered advice on the baby and I didn’t want to do it I know it would cause a fuss. She’s also joked about “kidnapping” the baby which makes me uncomfortable.
5. I lost both my mother and my aunt last year. I have no family left except a sister in another state. Part of me feels she is trying to replace my mom in my life and maybe the babies and it doesn’t sit well. This could just be totally inaccurate but I can’t help my mixed emotions with it.

As I said, we do get along. I just feel like having her live with us for a couple weeks would be too much for me. Then I wonder if I’m being selfish and unreasonable. Anyone else dealt with something similar or have thoughts on if I should just suck it up? I get she is just trying to be helpful so part of me just feels like an ungrateful brat for even thinking negative about it.

Edit: Just wanted to add she lives like 20 minutes away so it isn’t like she can’t come visit regularly.

Update: Thank you everyone! I spoke with my husband and he is very supportive of not letting her live with us. We are discussing how to address it with her and things she can still help with if she’d like so she doesn’t feel like I’m trying to push her out or something. Also how to make it clear that it is about my healing process and not something against her.

 

[sebastian589]

@mousa Trust your gut - you can find lots of ways for her to help when and how you feel comfortable.

 

[johanaanderso]

@mousa Totally valid feelings. Also worth considering- are you planning to try to breastfeed? If you are, would you be comfortable having your boobs out in front of her all day? Because for the first few weeks as you’re adjusting to nursing they’ll be out a lot. That’s why I didn’t want my in-laws staying with us. Coming for a short visit was fine but you deserve this bonding time. This is the moment to state what your boundaries are for YOUR family, and your husband needs to have your back with this.

 

[mousa]

@johanaanderso I am planning on breastfeeding, so that is a good point too. Thank you!

 

[divinespork]

@mousa I’m dealing with something similar! Here’s my situation:

-My in-laws live across the country, around a 3 hour flight away.

-They are so excited for their first grandchild, they have mentioned that ideally they’d love to be at the hospital with us, but at the very least want to plan a two week trip as soon as possible after the birth.

-They come stay with us once or twice a year for around 4 nights and each time my husband has nearly gone insane by the time they leave and I have exhausted all of my patience keeping the peace.

-My MIL gets very frustrated when things don’t go her way, like if she sleeps poorly or if she doesn’t like her meal. She is also very health/weight conscious. My FIL drinks enough that I believe him to be a highly functioning alcoholic, or at least to have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. He is not fun to be around when he drinks. (Not violent or abusive or anything, just a bad listener and a conversation monopolizer.)

-My parents live a two hour drive away and have no desire whatsoever to stay with us overnight, but will likely visit within whatever confines I give them.

-I do plan to try to breastfeed and am not interested in my in-laws (or my parents honestly) seeing us learn how to do that.

I’m at 28 weeks so I’ve had more time to think about and communicate boundaries. This is where I’ve landed, after discussing at length with my husband: we will not have anyone stay overnight at our place until the baby is regularly sleeping through the night. (Or at least predictably enough to have an idea of when he’s likely to sleep and wake up.) My husband told his folks they can come for however long they want but they have to stay in a hotel and rent a car, and can visit us only when we give the okay each day, and on some days that might be a short window. They pushed back quite a bit, but we’ve been firm and I think they’re coming to accept it.

Ultimately, I think as the pregnant person, this is one of the windows in which you’re really allowed to be selfish. You’re the one who is going to be healing, dealing with hormones, breastfeeding if applicable, and keeping baby alive. Your husband is also dealing with some of that, so he gets some say, but if he and his mom butt heads, that seems like you REALLY don’t need it.

If I was you, I would say, “thank you so much for your generous offer, it means so much to have your support. I think what we’d prefer, though, is to not make any commitments until we see how the birth goes for us and get an idea of what kind of help we will want and need!“ or something like that.

 

[meetha]

@mousa I think your feelings are totally valid! I’m about to pop any day and I set a boundary that no one can stay with us, no matter how much I love or get along with them. I don’t know how I will be feeling after delivery - I am worried about post partum depression and anxiety, and feel like someone staying with me would increase my risk of developing these things. I absolutely need my space and privacy.

 

[supersenior]

@mousa I think the point that she lives 20 minutes away is important! There's no reason for her to plan to come stay with you if she lives that close. I have family at that distance and while I think having them around after baby comes home will be really helpful, I think we would both prefer they have their "home base" at their own home. I may end up asking one of them to spend the night sometimes, but they still go to their own home to shower and change, etc. No need to them to bring a whole suitcase!

You may also want to give the Lemon Clot Essay a read as you plan for postpartum. I found it really enlightening in terms of thinking about my capacity for having people around/who I actually want around me when I come home with baby. https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/PVAxalBuT1

 

[mousa]

@supersenior That was a great read and made me feel more validated. Thank you.

 

[bellab]

@mousa I had no visitors until my baby was 5 weeks. Then my mom came to stay for a week. Let yourself get settled. As someone else said, with breastfeeding, your boobs are out A LOT while you get the hang of it. Plus, for myself anyways, I had PPD and had stitches, I just wanted to be alone with my baby and husband.

 

[everydaylily]

@mousa Oof this is hard. I told my MIL to come at month 2. I wanted privacy to figure things out. She responded by sending my husbands younger brother to stay with us to be “helpful” —he is 20 and knows nothing about babies and I do not feel comfortable breastfeeding in front of him etc. we literally sent him to stay with my parents for the first 2 weeks the baby was born but now he’s back with us for week 3 and I only lasted 3 days of that before I evicted myself and the baby and went to my parents’. What I will say is even if she’s not helpful as a cook, you may benefit if your husband won’t be there to help/do shifts (mine went back to work practically immediately), it will be helpful to have her to watch the baby, burp, change diapers etc. so you can get some sleep. If you’re planing on breastfeeding sleep is important. Everyone saying they got 1-2 hours (same for the first week) of sleep, that is not good for breastfeeding I’ve learned. You need REM sleep to make prolactin and you won’t get REM with less than 90 min. It can be helpful to have her come to the doctors and pediatrician appointments. I was on pain meds out of my mind for those first visits. My husband was sleep deprived. You have to make follow up appointments and take notes and it would be helpful to have someone help load the baby in the car and drive you etc if your partner can’t go with you to all of them. Or, to watch the baby while you take yourself to yours. I didn’t want to be naked and bleeding in front of my MIL or anyone for that matter but after 2 weeks I really got over ppl seeing my nipples and wished I had asked her to come sooner instead of allowing the brother to come. As far as the food goes you could ask for specific things maybe? Like you may be low in iron you can ask her to specifically make red meat food that doesn’t have dairy (my baby has a dairy allergy so I wish I had cut out dairy 2 weeks before giving birth). All this being said, agree with other ppl’s comments here: trust your gut.

 

[mousa]

@everydaylily I’m lucky in that my hubby is planning to be the stay at home parent till she goes to school and the preschool he teaches at is already aware he’ll be leaving as soon as baby is here. It’s a really good point you brought up about those early doctor’s appointments though. Something I hadn’t even thought of. Thank you!

 

[everydaylily]

@mousa Yeah and it would help so that you could have moments alone with your husband. This is often called the “roommate” phase where you barely see your partner because you’re taking shifts. To have her there to watch the baby sleep or feed her for a 4 hour stretch might give you time to be close with your husband, pump, and sleep!

 

[jcarolina]

@mousa She lives 20 minutes away! What an absurd suggestion from her. Tell her she can come for a short daytime visit when you are ready for visitors. If that is 2 weeks or 12 weeks it is completely your call. I had zero visitors with my first (because of the pandemic) and I was so grateful for the privacy and the bonding time. The only reason I had my MIL come with my 2nd was to help with my 1st and even then I was really ready for her to leave after a couple days. And my MIL is great! But the hormones are bananas and it’s just not a great time for visitors.

 

[elyonathan85]

@mousa It is definitely not unreasonable or selfish to want time for yourself and your husband to adjust to parenthood and get to know your new baby. Also, the whole point of accepting help is actually wanting the help. If you don’t want the help, you don’t have to accept it.

My Sister in law offered similar help, and I just had no idea how we’d be feeling or if we would need the help so I just said we would play it by ear. One month out of my baby being here and we are doing just fine, having another person here would totally be unnecessary and would upset our flow. I’m glad I played it by ear and I don’t have a third adult in my house.

 

[cozett]

@mousa Not even a little bit selfish wanting just your baby and the person you made baby with around while recovering from the biggest transition of your life

 

[papamoses]

@mousa Not unreasonable at all! My mother-in-law decided she was leaving my father-in-law while I was in labor at the hospital. She moved into the house that we were living in which she did own. She took it upon herself to continue charging us rent, move in with her four dogs, put dog gates all over the house that I had to maneuver while I was recovering from a C-section, and then she ate all the food that we paid for and would constantly bring platters and crockpots and stuff that we got for our wedding two events at her friends, houses and stuff, and she would just leave them there. All of that was very annoying and unnecessary but she used to tell me that I was too slow when I was in my recovery. She became very competitive with my baby and it was unnecessary. At one point she told my husband we got what we wanted out of her so let’s just take the baby and raise her ourselves. We now live 2000 miles away and she can kiss my ass.