Love bedsharing, but my husband feels lonely and neglected

[forgivenandloved]

Our 1 year always wakes within 45 minutes of going to sleep, so my husband and I have very little alone time. By the time I set him down and head downstairs, I've got around 30 minutes with my husband before im back on duty. We have a sidecar crib, but I don't feel safe leaving him in there if I'm not in the room because im afraid he will wake up and try to find me and fall off. So for his first sleep, I put him in his pack n play. After he wakes for the first time, he won't go back in the pack n play, so I bring him to bed, which means I have to stay in bed with him. Hes a light sleeper, so the room has to be dark and quiet, so my hubby and I can't really talk or hang out in there. I nurse to sleep, baby wakes 4-50 times a night to nurse, and im happy to do all that, but how do you stay connected to your partner when you only have 30 minutes a day to talk/hang out/be romantic? I havent hung out alone with my husband in a year, and he is starting to think the answer is sleep training because some friends of ours did and they are "off the clock" from 8pm-8am every night. Id love any suggestions ❤

 

[fantomas318]

@forgivenandloved For us, it was knowing we are adults and little one is a baby who needs us right now. Yes, that meant less time together, but we did things as a family instead. Nice walks with her in the pram and my husband and I could talk then, for example.

By 2 my daughter started sleeping longer stretches alone and I could spend an hour or so away from the bed most nights. Now DH and I have plenty of time to spend together. It just took a while.

 

[georgerussell]

@fantomas318 I second this. A lot of the first two years was stroller walks so we could talk, or even car rides. They start to have longer stretches and you will have so much time together you’re bored again (just kidding) but it does come! Then your toddler starts talking and you can’t get a word in with your husband during the day so at night you want silence.

 

[forgivenandloved]

@georgerussell Hahaha that sounds like a fun stage

 

[katrina2017]

@georgerussell It's like a law of the universe that as soon as I start trying to have an adult conversation with my husband my 3.5 year old talks over me. Every single time. We've been teaching the "excuse me" lesson since 18 months... it's really not catching.

 

[forgivenandloved]

@fantomas318 Its reassuring to know that it will not be like this forever. I think my husband has trouble seeing the light at the end of the tunnel though. I think he never expected for a baby to have so many needs haha. He doesnt usually object to the way I parent, but he definitely feels like I make it harder on us than it needs to be (by not sleep training, by still breastfeeding etc) I wish I could find a way to make him feel better without having to neglect the baby, but maybe this is just something we need to wait out.
We do love our family walks, but as the weather drops below freezing, we won't be able to do that for much longer.

 

[lucasluis]

@forgivenandloved You’re not alone in this. I think my husband would say the same. But it doesn’t last forever...they’re only a little for so short. Hang in there

 

[joysky93]

@fantomas318 Thirding (is that even a thing) this. Meeting the LO needs was always the top and doing family stuff helped.

Also, having date days was really helpful. I know things are all over the place currently because of Covid but we started handing LO off to grandparents for days out (by 1 she would nap in stroller, prior to this it was contact naps only) so we got some time together as a couple.

Sometimes we would go out and do traditional date things (movie, lunch etc) sometimes we would stay at home and reconnect. Even if it was just for a few hours it really helped. I found people were often offering to babysit for the evening but that would have never worked for us (with what LO needed at bedtime) but daytime things worked great. So maybe that's something to consider? We obviously managed enough alone time together as we've just had number 2

 

[forgivenandloved]

@joysky93 This is something we should try to do, but you're right, its very hard with COVID right now. Very few options with restaurants and a lot of entertainment venues closed. And limited babysitting options as well. But it would definitely help!! I just need to plan ahead and be creative.

 

[katrina2017]

@forgivenandloved A few things that work for us and our 1 year old are a king size floor bed so we can have whole family snuggles, alternating which parent is on bedtime duty and we just recently had a day date with our daughter during nap time. We drove around until she fell asleep in the car then picked up takeout and sat in the car and ate together.

 

[sylvia68]

@forgivenandloved Definitely don't sleep train, it gets easier. As the male partner in this relationship its only temporary. Weve got 2, a 3 year old and 20month old. One day jt just suddenly changed. One thing we do is move the kids as soon as its safe to do so, as jn they're deep asleep.

Sleep training doesn't fix the problem, the baby still wakes up but they just learn that crying for help won't resolve their issue. They're awake for a reason. Trust your instincts i love that our kids wake up and only settle for a cuddle/feed