Love bedsharing, but my husband feels lonely and neglected

[forgivenandloved]

Our 1 year always wakes within 45 minutes of going to sleep, so my husband and I have very little alone time. By the time I set him down and head downstairs, I've got around 30 minutes with my husband before im back on duty. We have a sidecar crib, but I don't feel safe leaving him in there if I'm not in the room because im afraid he will wake up and try to find me and fall off. So for his first sleep, I put him in his pack n play. After he wakes for the first time, he won't go back in the pack n play, so I bring him to bed, which means I have to stay in bed with him. Hes a light sleeper, so the room has to be dark and quiet, so my hubby and I can't really talk or hang out in there. I nurse to sleep, baby wakes 4-50 times a night to nurse, and im happy to do all that, but how do you stay connected to your partner when you only have 30 minutes a day to talk/hang out/be romantic? I havent hung out alone with my husband in a year, and he is starting to think the answer is sleep training because some friends of ours did and they are "off the clock" from 8pm-8am every night. Id love any suggestions ❤

 

[fantomas318]

@forgivenandloved For us, it was knowing we are adults and little one is a baby who needs us right now. Yes, that meant less time together, but we did things as a family instead. Nice walks with her in the pram and my husband and I could talk then, for example.

By 2 my daughter started sleeping longer stretches alone and I could spend an hour or so away from the bed most nights. Now DH and I have plenty of time to spend together. It just took a while.

 

[georgerussell]

@fantomas318 I second this. A lot of the first two years was stroller walks so we could talk, or even car rides. They start to have longer stretches and you will have so much time together you’re bored again (just kidding) but it does come! Then your toddler starts talking and you can’t get a word in with your husband during the day so at night you want silence.

 

[forgivenandloved]

@georgerussell Hahaha that sounds like a fun stage

 

[katrina2017]

@georgerussell It's like a law of the universe that as soon as I start trying to have an adult conversation with my husband my 3.5 year old talks over me. Every single time. We've been teaching the "excuse me" lesson since 18 months... it's really not catching.

 

[forgivenandloved]

@fantomas318 Its reassuring to know that it will not be like this forever. I think my husband has trouble seeing the light at the end of the tunnel though. I think he never expected for a baby to have so many needs haha. He doesnt usually object to the way I parent, but he definitely feels like I make it harder on us than it needs to be (by not sleep training, by still breastfeeding etc) I wish I could find a way to make him feel better without having to neglect the baby, but maybe this is just something we need to wait out.
We do love our family walks, but as the weather drops below freezing, we won't be able to do that for much longer.

 

[lucasluis]

@forgivenandloved You’re not alone in this. I think my husband would say the same. But it doesn’t last forever...they’re only a little for so short. Hang in there

 

[joysky93]

@fantomas318 Thirding (is that even a thing) this. Meeting the LO needs was always the top and doing family stuff helped.

Also, having date days was really helpful. I know things are all over the place currently because of Covid but we started handing LO off to grandparents for days out (by 1 she would nap in stroller, prior to this it was contact naps only) so we got some time together as a couple.

Sometimes we would go out and do traditional date things (movie, lunch etc) sometimes we would stay at home and reconnect. Even if it was just for a few hours it really helped. I found people were often offering to babysit for the evening but that would have never worked for us (with what LO needed at bedtime) but daytime things worked great. So maybe that's something to consider? We obviously managed enough alone time together as we've just had number 2

 

[forgivenandloved]

@joysky93 This is something we should try to do, but you're right, its very hard with COVID right now. Very few options with restaurants and a lot of entertainment venues closed. And limited babysitting options as well. But it would definitely help!! I just need to plan ahead and be creative.

 

[katrina2017]

@forgivenandloved A few things that work for us and our 1 year old are a king size floor bed so we can have whole family snuggles, alternating which parent is on bedtime duty and we just recently had a day date with our daughter during nap time. We drove around until she fell asleep in the car then picked up takeout and sat in the car and ate together.

 

[sylvia68]

@forgivenandloved Definitely don't sleep train, it gets easier. As the male partner in this relationship its only temporary. Weve got 2, a 3 year old and 20month old. One day jt just suddenly changed. One thing we do is move the kids as soon as its safe to do so, as jn they're deep asleep.

Sleep training doesn't fix the problem, the baby still wakes up but they just learn that crying for help won't resolve their issue. They're awake for a reason. Trust your instincts i love that our kids wake up and only settle for a cuddle/feed

 

[forgivenandloved]

@sylvia68 Thanks for sharing this! Im def not sleep training, don't worry!

 

[npmthew]

@forgivenandloved No one's mentioned yet that "baby wakes 4-50 times a night to nurse" is hilarious and wildly accurate.

 

[kingspal1]

@forgivenandloved

I havent hung out alone with my husband in a year

I think this is probably the real issue, because a year really is a long time and I empathize that your husband feels he hasn't had physical closeness/much one-on-one time with you in such a prolonged period of time. Bedsharing or otherwise, our spouses also require physical affection/quality time and relationships cannot really go on for sustained periods with such an imbalance.

I don't bedshare but I do room share, and know that it takes a toll when I want to cuddle up to my husband in bed for some physical closeness/warmth only for LO to continually wake up in her crib across the room.

If you're interested, there is a love languages test you and your husband can take, his love language may well be quality time and that's why he's looking for what he perceives as a solution to restoring what he feels has been missing from your relationship the last year.

 

[followthestar]

@forgivenandloved Go a floor bed. Even if they wake and come looking for you. You will have to at some stage let them explore the homes boundaries. Which will mean they will tumble here and there and find something they shouldn’t - but watching them like a hawk to prevent any trips isn’t going to teach them anything.

 

[icredrum]

@forgivenandloved It's really hard. My girl has been the same way, plus contact napping the whole first year. There is a one year sleep regression, and between that and teething it hit us hard. she had to be resettled three to four times in the first two hours after going to bed, and by the time she would stay asleep I was passing out for night shift.

During those seasons we had to spend time together during her nap. I was just too tired by the end of the day. I got no time with my husband and no time to myself.

It did get better, little by little. By 14 months I could lay her down and she would reliably stay asleep for 60-90 minutes most nights. And this became our alone time together. She also started letting me lay her down for naps, which bought us at least an hour during the day together.

Now at 15 months we can get alone time most nights. I know the 18 month regression may be a season of little alone time again. But we are prepared. It was a long, hard first year. We were alone together maybe four times total. My husband definitely struggled with loneliness and missing me. We had to find little things. We would go on hikes with our girl just so we could talk uninterrupted. We had lots of deep talks while hiking, and our girl loves it and would be quiet the whole time haha!

We would even wear one bluetooth headphones each and put on a movie while we played with her that only we could hear. We had to get a little creative. And we had to negotiate a lot. We have not only a sleep averse child, but she also has medical issues, so her care has been complex. Him taking things off my plate, like housework, left me more available for cuddling and things like that.

It's a really hard thing. Try to hear each other and five each other grace!

 

[patim22]

@forgivenandloved We did a floor bed. Queen size mattress on the floor that we could both sleep on when necessary. But he didn't need me by his side all night, just when he was nursing.

 

[forgivenandloved]

@patim22 A floor bed in your room for the family? Or in baby's room?

 

[patim22]

@forgivenandloved We actually had the normal bed in our room, and also moved in the guest mattress to the floor. His room could have worked too though.

The important thing was to be able to feel safe about his sleeping situation when I wasn't in the room.