Leaving toddler son w Grandma

[everettorren]

My husband and I (37) have struggled through our first 2.5 years of parenting our son for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is my attached parenting style. My son has always been very attached to me, preferred me to my husband (although a relationship is definitely solidifying there in the last year with a lot of conscious effort), and weary of being with people who are unfamiliar to him (especially without one of us present).

I am very close (relationship-wise) with my parents, but they live approx 3 hours away. Despite this, my mother has developed a close relationship with our son because she has spent many week-long trips here, she "parents" in a very similar manner to me, and overall, IMO, is very "maternal"... responsive, empathetic, playful, reliable, etc.

My husband's mother lives approx. 2 hours away and we see her on every major holiday and family birthday. I don't jive very well with her- this is not to say she has ever been mean to me in particular, it's just that I don't find her to be very "maternal" despite having raised 3 of her own kids. Long before my husband and I got married, it became clear to me that her relationships with my husband and his brother were far more "distant" than that which I have with my parents.

Ever since our son was born, she has said she loves and cares about him, but when she is with us, I don't really see her doing anything to foster closeness with him. Unlike my own mother, she doesn't get down on the floor to play with him, engage in silly conversations, etc. In general, we do not enjoy spending time with her, but do so out of obligation. I have not made any real effort to forge a relationship between her and my son because- well, I never really figured she'd be a big part of our family life, and she has some personality traits that I'm not keen on my son tuning in to.

To date, I have never left my son with anyone other than my husband, my mother, or our "nanny". Our nanny is live-out, shared with another family. She looks after him and another family's child M-F, 9-5pm, while my husband and I work. He has developed a very strong bond with her, and I trust her. Whenever my husband and I have a social event, I plan ahead, speak with her, and "hire" her to do babysitting outside of her normal work hours.

My husband and I were just asked to do a lunch next weekend with his best friend and fiancee (tasting for their wedding). The lunch will last approx. 4 hours and be approx. 45 mins from our house. Neither the nanny nor my mother can babysit. Normally, in these circumstances, I would just say I'm sorry, I can't come, but my husband really wants me to come, so he asked his mother to come and babysit. She has said, sure, her and her partner can come. I am not comfortable with this situation and all I can do now is imagine leaving my screaming son with a woman I don't think he feels familiar or comfortable being with. I fear the sense of abdonment my son will feel and in general, I feel like I am breaking my son's trust by leaving him with someone he doesn't know. My husband says that after 2.5 years, this is an extreme reaction, and he will be fine. Am I being overly sensitive about this?

 

[iccs]

@everettorren He will be fine. One of the most important things about a strong attachment is that it should give the child confidence to explore and experience other people, knowing that you will always be there/come back.

If you MIL isn't a safety concern, this sounds like a perfect opportunity to demonstrate to your son that you are also confident in the people you choose to care for him, and he is safe with them until you return.

If you telegraph your discomfort and lack of 'vibe' with MIL and anyone else he isn't immediately familiar and comfortable with, it's going to go poorly but it isn't going to cause long term damage.

 

[katrina2017]

@everettorren You’re very lucky to have so many options for childcare and even be entertaining this event. I would prioritize safety here. If you think he’ll be safe, then you should go. If you think there will be major harm done, don’t go.

 

[kyotodragon]

@everettorren I don’t think you should go cold turkey like this and leave him alone for the first time with people he doesn’t know for 4hrs. It’s a long time for a kid that will probably have difficulties, much less that you won’t be able to relax.

However it sounds like you need to work on your kid developing early independence and confidence around other adults. From a developmental perspective, a 2yo with a healthy attachment style should be seeking out new adults to have interactions with and wanting more independence from his primary caregiver. They need to experience other people for their personal growth, even people with colder or less maternal styles. This is the time to take him to toddler playgroups so he can have other adults in authority positions around him. You should also be letting other adults watch him for short periods of time, even if it’s only 15 minutes to start while you are down the street.

 

[momof2napril]

@kyotodragon It sounds like she’s left him with nanny and mom. Stronger bonds, yes, but at some point those were new people too. I don’t know if that qualifies as cold turkey

 

[messagesoflove]

@everettorren The thing I’m most confused about is why you have nanny and hire in quotation marks.
If you have a true attached parenting style, your son should feel comfortable and confident with others.
I think it’s super cool your MIL has agreed to travel 4 hours round trip to babysit and you should foster this relationship. Most kids have a set of grandparents who plays on the floor with them and one who lets them watch lots of TV. Both can be loving and valuable. She said she was willing to come, so she obviously wants to. Set her and her partner up for success with lots of your son’s favorite meals, snacks and activities and they should have a great time.

 

[katrina2017]

@everettorren He will be fine.

Just because she doesn’t seem maternal to you doesn’t mean she doesn’t love her grandchild. She will love him just as much as your own mum does. Children deserve to know all different types of people and understand love can be shown in different ways, not just the way you and your mum do.

You’ve said she’s done nothing unsafe or unkind, and she was willing to drop everything to travel to you. I suspect she’s been waiting a long time to be asked. Why don’t you facilitate more frequent visits so you can confidently leave him with her without worrying in future.

 

[tenesia]

@everettorren Is it possible that your son will cry when you leave? Definitely. Will he find a way to have a good time? Most likely. Will this damage your relationship with him? Not at all. Given that he has spent time with other people and away from you, he knows that you're going to come back.

It's one night with grandma. Even the personality traits you're worried about, it's one night, it's not going to have that much of an effect on him, if any. The idea of attachment parenting is to give children a secure base to be able to go out into the world and have resilience in difficult situations. You've done that. With 2 people coming, they're going to do everything they can to distract him, keep him entertained and happy and that's all you can ask for from a sitter.

 

[scoutergarnet]

@everettorren I don’t have advice, but your MIL dynamic sounds very similar to mine…. Except she lives 2 mins away. My very-hands-on mom lives 6hr plane ride away. We visit each other for weeks at a time so my son is very comfortable with her.
My MIL hasn’t ever offered to help watch my son (20mo) and she even ran out the door (saying she has to go home and let her dog out) when I asked her to keep an eye on him for 10mins while I went upstairs to pack - so I assume she’s not comfortable. I therefore would not feel comfortable leaving my son with her mostly bc she has no idea what’s normal for him… I also worry about everything. And I have no idea how she’d handle him in his times of distress bc I’ve never seen it.

 

[aaronchall]

@everettorren I know other commenters are saying he’ll be fine (and they’re likely right) but I would feel the same way as you. Specifically with the fear of breaking his trust. It’s very difficult to be the person your child trusts more than anyone else and then put him into a situation that might feel scary or traumatic to him. It’s much easier for your husband to brush it off because he’s not the primary “safe” person for your son.

If bringing him along wasn’t an option, I would personally decline the invitation. There’s no way I could enjoy myself wondering if my child was at home crying for me for 4+ hours straight.

 

[bemmmy]

@aaronchall This... also... comments like "MIL will love him just as much as your mom and you but shows it differently"... maybe... or maybe not... and maybe she isn't too fond of young kids...... or too comfortable... sorry a person that comes off cold, can they deal with a child that will cry for +4 hours? Can they? Because you'll have to get ready and leave before the event... and the drive back... if this person could not handle 4 straight hours of cry, they are not the best person for this, and I would straight up not go. Or, go for half and cut out.

 

[cjegan2014]

@everettorren He will be fine.

 

[xxlmoon23]

@everettorren Just don't go - it's not a wedding it's literally just the tasting for a wedding that's not even yours

 

[agent47]

@everettorren If you are not comfortable leaving your son with your mil then you will be worried the whole time and pre occupied so there is no point in going. You are not in the wedding party and so have no obligation to be part of something like this. I would just decline to go not because of your son but because you don't feel right. Your son would probably be fine unless mil thinks spanking, leaving your child to scream or just generally being un responsive to your son's needs. If any of these are the case then mil is not a babysitting option anyway so just don't go. I didn't start leaving my daughter with either set of grandparents until she was 3 just because I wasn't ready.

 

[marcnem2]

@agent47 I think this sums up how I would handle the situation as well. It’s a long time to leave my child with someone that neither of us are comfortable with. I would be worried and thinking about him the whole time. I’d listen to my heart and wouldn’t go.

 

[itsme01]

@everettorren It’s not an extreme reaction if that’s how you feel about it. It’s a long time to leave your son alone if he’s never spent that much time alone without before, especially with someone he doesn’t know well.

You won’t have a good time anyway if you’re anxious. I’d say stay at home. It’s something that’s nice to go to but isn’t essential.

 

[willthad]

@everettorren You are being sensitive. There are many ways to parent, form connections and foster closeness. Just because your MIL has a different style and way of forming bonds doesn't mean it's less valuable or less important. Fostering independence is important.

 

[momof2napril]

@everettorren My mom isn’t maternal in the slightest and I’ve worked hard to foster that quality. Do I think my mom makes the choices I would? No. Did she need reminders when my daughter was younger? Yes sometimes. But was my daughter ever not cared for or loved to the best of my mom’s ability? Never. My mom always tried, it just wasn’t the amount or way that I would hope for, but for her it was her maximum effort and I can’t ask for more. My daughter now LOVES her even though they are not often alone together. I would explain to your MIL respectfully - you’re feeling nervous because she isn’t one of your normal helpers, but you trust she’ll do the most for your son. And then ask if she would be willing to send you a text update every hour to help you feel less anxious. Explain that you just don’t want him to be sad and you don’t want her to have to manage a sad little guy.

 

[2reshane]

@momof2napril I like this!

I’d also talk to my partner about what happens if their toddler is actually inconsolable. Come up with a plan in the event MIL calls/texts and says she’s tried everything and he’s a mess.

My mom is extremely maternal, but she doesn’t get on the ground with the kids. Right now it’s definitely her age (in her 70s) but I don’t remember her ever playing on the floor with me as a kid either. She’s still the warmest and most snuggly person I know. My MIL absolutely is a play on the floor kind of person, but she’s not physically affectionate. Both can do a great job of caring for my kids.

At 2.5, in his own home and with someone he knows even if he isn’t real close with her, my guess is any tears will pass quickly. Leave her a short list of his favorite things - foods, games, toys. And project confidence (fake it if you have to) so he doesn’t pick up on your anxiety.

 

[momof2napril]

@2reshane Yes to all of this! Ask her if she could even bring something small and exciting - I don’t think that’s a lot to ask. A dollar store toy and a sucker is basically a way to buy happiness