Kids father planning to vanish until they’re 18

[samuelhayes]

@techyinaz My advice is get ahead of it financially now - get some legal and physical custody with full guidelines for child support so at least then maybe you afford enriching activities for them . As sad as it is as soon as the father finds out how much they with have to pay suddenly they want some visitation beacuse you get way more when you have the kids of the time - the emotional fall out will be some more apparent as they get older and they will see his true colors on their own not sure what state your in and I know money isn’t the first thing on your mind but speaking from experience get that done asap

 

[sequoiatree]

@techyinaz You didn’t “officially” end shit. It’s not over until the judge and lawyers say it’s over.
Do you have a support arrangement and custody agreement?

 

[cas151]

@sequoiatree Agree . I have been legally divorced for a year, and you NEED a custody agreement in place through your local court. CYOA. If he doesn’t want anything to do with the kids, that’s on him; and he can use whatever excuse helps him feel better about the situation. But to protect yourself, take the necessary legal steps NOW.

Also, once you have a custody agreement in place, document EVERYTHING. All attempts at planning visitation to daily communication on behalf of the kids. Eventually it will be known who’s there for the kids, it just takes some time.

 

[cybrisk]

@techyinaz This is a good time to drop any narrative towards him, drop any games, drop any resentment etc… a man doesn’t just walk away from there children. They are usually pushed away!

 

[jennyjohn]

@techyinaz Was he a good father before you broke up?

 

[heartfullofchrist]

@jennyjohn Does it matter? He’s being a terrible father now

 

[jennyjohn]

@heartfullofchrist It matters because there's unlikely to be a better father available. A good father is valuable to children's lives. Just like a good mother. However, if he's a trash father and was a major factor in the separating, then I'd say good riddance.

I'm a children first advocate.

 

[heartfullofchrist]

@jennyjohn Then advocate for the children

…. of a POS who has chosen to abandon them.

 

[jennyjohn]

@heartfullofchrist Oh I agree that his current behavior is bad. However, statistically single mother homes have much higher negative outcomes for the children. OP is likely the only person that could reconcile this. Therapy, counseling, separate wings of the house... Some other arrangement is better for the kids than no father for 10 years at best...
I also look at this with a longer term view.

They've only been apart for 4 months compared to the next 10 years of fatherlessness.

Currently, the guy is clearly all shades of fucked up.

 

[heartfullofchrist]

@jennyjohn She caught him cheating.

Statistically speaking, marriages with spouses who cheat are not good.

Separate wings of the house

Should they also have separate staff and butlers too?

Damn. You’re twisted. Suggesting a person stay married… hell no. Hopefully you’ll drop the pretense at some point

 

[jennyjohn]

@heartfullofchrist Oh it would almost certainly be better for the kids of reconciliation was possible. Even his part-time accessibility would improve this situation most likely. Just from a babysitting perspective.

 

[heartfullofchrist]

@jennyjohn You really need to get a clue.

 

[alvinc]

@jennyjohn OP whatever you do, do NOT listen to this persons advice.
What they’re spouting is not actually true once critical thinking is applied. Do NOT take a man back who has chosen to treat you and your children with such blatant disrespect back for the sake of the children. Kids pick up on that, that their parents are only together for them, and it’s not a great feeling.
What’s that Steve Harvey quote? Better to come from a broken home than to grow up in one.
This is isn’t fair to you or your children. There is no need to tolerate this man’s disrespect just because there are still people out there who actually think research says children living in a home with parents who have a horrible relationship is better than becoming a single mom.

 

[jennyjohn]

@alvinc Actually, what I asked OP was if he was a good father. If he's not a good father, then I would never suggest reconciliation.

 

[alvinc]

@jennyjohn You aren’t clear in that. You suggested therapy, living in different parts of the house, because apparently that’s better than no father. A man who can’t respectful and helpful to his partner is not a good father. He made that pretty clear when he lied about being blocked and then said he wasn’t helping until 18.

 

[alofbaltimore]

@jennyjohn He has ABANDONED HIS KIDS and stated that he plans to continue to do so until they are adults. What part of ANY of that leaves doubt for you?

He is a bad father-- past, present, future. OP never needs to question that. I will never have my child around someone who dangles "love" in their face when it suits them. Love STAYS and gets the job done. He's a loser and can keep losing all by himself.

OP! Don't look back with hope. Understand that he was never for you. You trusted and believed in the wrong person, but now it's time to see him in a new light. Don't lie to the kids. Tell 'em how you feel. And let them feel however they want to as well.

 

[manicmania]

@jennyjohn

statistically single mother homes have much higher negative outcomes for the children

It's frustrating how people frame this statistic as "single mother homes" and not "fatherless homes". The parent that actually stays is the one held to blame.

 

[jennyjohn]

@manicmania This is because statistically, single father homes don't have the negative outcomes for the children. It's not an emotional thing. This particular father might be a train wreck into a dumpster fire. I only asked OP if he was a good father. If so, then reconciliation for the sake of the children makes sense, if not then don't.
I think the single father stats are really showing the benefit of a good father. Usually the mother gets the kids, and in a situation where she doesn't then it signals that the father is a good one.

 

[alvinc]

@jennyjohn Bruh you need to cite some real sources here. This is getting out of hand