Kids father planning to vanish until they’re 18

[techyinaz]

Sorry if this isn’t formatted well, I’m on mobile.

Hi, this is mostly a vent. so I (30F) officially ended things with my ex (34M, I’ll call him Aton) 4 months ago. We’d been having a rocky patch and while we were working on things I caught him cheating and said no more. Things didn’t end particularly well, but there was no big fight we both just sort of walked away.

The issue I have now is with our two children (5&8 M) Tom hasn’t seen them or made any attempt to see them in about 4 months. He has been claiming I have blocked contact which is causing issues with my friends and family but he hasn’t reached out at all and has ignored my attempts to communicate. He has now told a family member that his plan is to return to the boys life when they turn 18, he will not see or speak to them until they are “old enough to be independent of their mother”

I feel crushed, I am not sure what to do. Do I tell my boys they won’t see daddy again for a while, what do I even say?

I don’t have a lot of parent friends so I just wanted to vent where people might understand just how horrible this feels.

 

[resurrectionpower89]

@techyinaz Make sure to get child support

 

[canuckgramz]

@resurrectionpower89 How's that gonna help get time and a bond with the kids child support isn't always the answer might be easy to do but it's plenty of ppl that get put on child support then the situation turns into more of a headache than a solution

 

[stargazingpilgrim]

@canuckgramz Child support is not to help the father, but for him to feel the consequences for leaving the mother of his children to deal with his children alone for no reason besides spite or just not wanting to deal with children.

Women are always the default person to dump everything on, child support is the only consequence men have for abandoning their family. And even that is not enough

 

[katrina2017]

@stargazingpilgrim Nearly 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women. Seems to me like the women are abandoning the family and leaving the man to suffer the consequences of her actions. If the women don’t want to have the kids custody than they need to give it up. However most courts will immediately give them custody and fuck that dad over no matter how much he actually cares or even if he is a more suitable fit to care for the children full time.

 

[stargazingpilgrim]

@katrina2017 Initiation of divorce says literally nothing about whether the father has already abandoned the family beforehand. Of course men wouldn't initiate a divorce if they just want to up and leave the family completely.

Sorry, who is the gender that we continually hear about "marrying" other women while still being officially married to someone else? Not women lmfao

 

[jacquiepenny]

@katrina2017 Are we talking about a father (in the OP) who wants to be involved or are you just farting out projections about your personal feelings?

 

[canuckgramz]

@stargazingpilgrim So having to pay money that wasn't spent before the child support again is helping how. Especially when all they gotta do is not pay it it happens my point is. That's not gonna fix whatever the issue is that's causing him not to see his kid would you rather money you probably not gonna get or a better relationship for your kids between them and their father just doesn't make sense. Cause wats gonna happen when you get that child support and still have to explain when dads coming back ,is dad comin back money don't fix everything and if he chose to walk out that's on him greatest punishment is gonna be when those kids are old enough to understand and want no parts or that man he's gonna have to live with that

 

[thatguy94]

@canuckgramz men are more likely to exercise possession when paying support, especially if exercising possession gets them a reduction in it

 

[manicmania]

@techyinaz Unfortunate as it is, you can't make someone be a part of their children's lives. Continue to show your willingness to sharing custody, and maybe he'll come around. As for what to tell the boys... you never know what the future will hold, so I'd take it slowly. Tell them you don't know right now when they'll see dad, and that you're working on it.

 

[vespertinus]

@techyinaz 2 things.

1. Does he have a family? If so reach out to them and ask them to be the middleman. That way he will never have to talk to you and you can arrange periodic visits whenever.
2. Is he paying child support? Do you want it? If he isn't and you do want it, approach the court and apply so that you are not burdened alone with all the cost of raising children.

 

[thatguy94]

@vespertinus I’d be really careful about #1. It can come back and bite you.

 

[little_miss_sunshine]

@techyinaz I had a similar situation and unfortunately it is not uncommon reaction. Cheaters are self-centered. Cheaters can't handle being held accountable. Cheaters would rather run away than deal with tough things.

It tore me apart to see this happen and how it affected my kids, and sometimes I wondered if he did it to hurt me. It's a cop-out, but like I said, a lot of cheaters would prefer to avoid conflict or anything difficult and somehow think it is acceptable to bow out of parenting and their kids' lives. They think it is the easy route, but boy does it cause harm and it's a huge risk to assume the boys will want anything to do with him after 18.

Get yourself and the boys into counseling, and continue to touch base because managing an absent father will be an evolving issue throughout their development.

Check out sources like Chump Lady https://www.chumplady.com/ that help with navigating cheating and moving on.

Sorry you're going through this, not a fun road.

 

[rosegarden]

@techyinaz When they get old enough make sure they know the truth so when he does try they will know what a pos he is

 

[jasonstover9]

@rosegarden In my experience you don't need to tell the kids, they see it & feel it. What kids do need to be told is it's not their fault the other parent isn't around. I used to say "My dad loves me, just not in the way I need him to". When you have your own kids it's especially hard to forgive an absent parent.

 

[mae9]

@rosegarden Some kids only figure it out by the sadness n anger in their mother’s voice after hearing that man make excuses, again. For why he isn’t there. My brother’s dad ended up missing his camping trip because he met a rando and went to mardigras instead.

 

[christmasismyfavorite]

@techyinaz Don't talk bad about their dad to them no matter how bad you want to, allow them to grow up and make their own decisions about who their father is, but definitely do tell the truth to them (age appropriate, of course) it's going to be really hard for a while.
Although no matter what I did it seemed like it was the wrong choice to do. Just love your boys with all your might and take it one day at a time

 

[thatguy94]

@christmasismyfavorite A good parent never makes the other parent look bad. Unfortunately, that can mean lying (he’s traveling for work, he misses you too).

 

[christmasismyfavorite]

@thatguy94 I wouldn't lie to them, but there is a way, age appropriate, of course that you can tell them somethings that are the truth, but not all of it

 

[mark19801]

@techyinaz I would have an age appropriate conversation with them about him disappearing. You don't need to say he's lying to everyone or he cheated. I would mention something along the lines "your dad is going through some emotionally tough times and is not ready to parent since our split". I'm assuming they are old enough to acknowledge that mom and dad don't live together.

I wouldn't mention he's staying away till their 18 because that could be all talk while he's in a mood. He could come around after the holidays or in a few months or maybe a couple years.

If they continue to ask just be honest that you are unsure when he will be back. At a point, your kids will see that dad abandoned them. If Dad truly waits till their 18, the relationship will have maybe suffered to where Dad can't fill their head with lies.