Just found out my girlfriend is pregnant. Help?

H

hopeful4cure

New member
I (23m) and her (22f) just found out she is pregnant probably about 2-3 months now. We have been together just under a year though I’ve known her for around 4 now.
I wouldn’t tell her but I’m honestly freaking out a bit about this whole situation. It doesn’t help that more news just keeps on coming. We have an appointment with her obgyn Monday, a day after our one year anniversary. Her primary also said it’s possibly multiples because of her abnormally high hCG levels. How do I support her? I’m excited but absolutely terrified. I wasn’t planning on having kids for at least a few more years. We don’t even live together yet and she is considered at high risk because of POTS, PCoS and past miscarriages, not to mention we both just started new jobs. I don’t really have many friends so I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it without it getting back to my family who we want to surprise. So how do I cope with this? What should I do to prepare and what advice do you have? What do I even do?
 
@hopeful4cure First thing is it’s okay to freak out. Take in all the emotions and then BREATH. People plan to have kids and STILL freak out about it. It’s normal.

Be there for your girlfriend as much as possible, but 1000% if you can MOST DEF AT THE OBGYN appointments. My wife is 37w and I’ve not missed an appointment and we see the same women every time, and it’s about a solid 50% of ladies by themselves. And that’s heartbreaking and they just hate it, the ones we’ve spoken to. Some
Have good reasons being alone, husband works or travels for work watches the kid so she doesn’t have to worry about the kid there to but IF YOU CAN GO, GO. Even if you can’t, TRY TO. It means a lot

Talk with your girlfriend, see what she needs and wants. Figure out and talk about what things need to be purchased. I’d advise you guys to move in together to help with expenses but especially if it’s multiples.

Take a deep breath, find a hobby to enjoy, support your girlfriend, and enjoy the journey.
 
@hopeful4cure Well as someone who was 11 years older for me and my wife on both the numbers for our age when we had our first. We very often say and think “wish I would’ve done this 10 years ago when I had more energy and a younger back.”

So there is benefits to having them while you’re young and can handle it physically and possibly even better mentally (because the physical part hurts you mentally so bad). The way to support her is to always be there for the emotional needs. She’s strong and she’ll make it well enough if you get a good high risk pregnancy doctor. My brother’s wife had almost all the same issues (no past miscarriages) but they thought she wasn’t gonna live the birth because her blood pressure got so ridiculous. You just have to always be there. What else can you do really. Try not to get down on yourself for feeling like you can’t do more because you wanna at least appear strong.

For what you can do now, there is most likely an unplanned pregnancy assistance place in your city. They sometimes offer classes. Ours in particular had one hour online classes that offered “mommy bucks” that you got to spend in the store of the place that was full of donated items. We got a bunch of newborn clothes, toys, blankets, and they had plenty of other things. Another decision to make to me is if you’re willing to do cloth diapers or throw aways. The throw aways will cost a lot more in the long run. Cloth diapers take a little more resolve from you though and aren’t as convenient so that’s why it’s a way cheaper option. You can easily spend 5K on throw aways by the time they are fully potty trained. The cloth diapers needed for that time can be bought for $200-400 for eBay/marketplace diapers or $600-800 if bought all new at a store. We did a mix of both, sometimes in the middle of the night you don’t wanna do the cloth diaper so we would do throw aways then and cloth diapers for when we were up for it. The best part is you can resell your cloth diapers after for some of your money back (they are used/more used now so not all money back).

Birthing classes don’t really matter too to much because all that is in the air at the end with a “plan” going into it that can change at any time. We were supposed to have a natural birth - then my wife had to be induced first kink. Then her epidural wasn’t working so ton of pain second kink. Then she was in labor for 30 hours third kink. Then we almost lost our son while resting due to how he was laying in the womb on his own cord fourth kink. Lastly they decide it’s gotta be an emergency C section and our doctor was at home since she also needed rest so we had to go with a doctor we didn’t know. It was so hard and then after all that, we had to raise the baby lol. So know that it can quite the ride.

Things to avoid: putting too much pressure on her. Thinking you’ll ever be financially ready (you won’t). Thinking you don’t need healthcare assistance (medicaid paid for my whole kids birth).
 
@chickadeegrace I’ll look around where I live for something like that. It would definitely help at least. It’s nice to see it from that perspective. I’m just trying not to freak out right now.
 
@minnie My favorite benefit that I don’t get to enjoy as much is that when you have them when you’re young, you’re still young when they are fully grown adults themselves. You have a chance to connect as adults then as well and are still young enough to enjoy life after kid/s to the fullest.
 
@chickadeegrace I think that thinking you’ll never be financially ready is a little silly ….. I’m 26, saved up 250k (US), have a master’s degree and a good job, as does my husband. You can indeed plan for kids and save - it’s just really REALLY hard. I struggled my way thru college, only ate literally oatmeal w/ peanut butter and ramen and worked full time and took 20+ credits a semester. It is possible. Now we make >250k a year, have a nice home, and can enjoy the rest of our lives. I sacrificed a lot.. never been to a college party. I didn’t get to have any fun weekends in college. I didn’t even date until my master’s program. Never got to fly home to see my family (went to school out of state to save money with my scholarship).

My biggest advice right now is START GRINDING. Start working your ass off- it does pay off. Figure out your skills. Then, figure out what high paying job you can do with those skills (including trades vs. higher education). You can support your family, it’s just time to put aside fun, and instead do very hard work.

OP- use this as a catalyst into the rest of your life. YOU CAN DO THIS
 
@katrina2017 This is the most condescending crap ever. I knew better then to say never but I did anyways. Okay so 1 in 100,000 will have the money, home, car, spouse they love and everything all figured out before having a kid. And congrats you’re one of them.

But to act like I never worked hard or don’t work hard is complete jackassery. And to assume everyone else besides you is just fucking off is stupid as well. Not everyone had the same opportunities you have had, I guarantee you, and your struggles were by choice. Also I’d like to add that having fun and enjoying your youth is literally priceless and I’m sorry you missed out on that because there’s no going back.
 
@chickadeegrace Lol- I come from a poor family and paid my entire way. How the heck am I privileged? And yes, I missed out on my youth. However, I will never miss out on anything ever again due to gaining financial freedom. (Can afford any opportunities for myself and my children, get to go on whatever vacations I want, can afford my lakeside home, etc) Stating I just had different opportunities, is a cop out. I literally have nothing from my parents. And I never called you lazy, I’m stating that telling someone that you will never be ready financially is straight up STUPID. Anyone can do what I did- so get it done!

I’d like to add financial freedom in your late twenties and the rest of your life is worth giving up the early twenties. A few years (6) of grinding in exchange for a lifetime of literally being able to do whatever I want? Of my kids never having to worry about money like I did when I was little? Of them having all the opportunities they need and want? To give them a healthy diet and home and access to the health care they may need? I would do it again- absolutely. Those things are PRICELESS.

Just trying to show OP that he doesn’t have to become a victim to his current circumstances, he can use this to fuel some grinding while kids are little and have an amazing life.
 
@chickadeegrace You taking it personally is your problem, not mine. The only insult I make to you is that you are telling people on reddit it is impossible to plan and save and be financially ready for children.
 
@hopeful4cure One thing I’ll add to all this, is don’t be too hard on yourself for feeling overwhelmed! I’m 39 years old, wife is 40, and she’s currently 17 weeks with our first, after three years of fertility treatment. Even though this is very much something we planned and wanted, I’ve still had some sleep nights nights, overwhelmed by the anxiety of what I’m facing.

It is completely normal and appropriate. If you weren’t nervous and anxious and wondering what to do, and how to be the best partner and father you can, that would be cause for concern!
 
@hopeful4cure You’ll do fine man I was in a similar situation. My wife and I got married really fast and our son was just born today a few days before our one year anniversary. You’ll be fine it’s okay to freak out. Just breath and realize you’re probably overthinking a lot of things. Just be there for her. Go to every appointment you can. Save your money. Just enjoy the ride. Rub her back when she’s throwing up. Massage her feet. Just be supportive. You’ll do great!
 
@hopeful4cure Second time dad (31M) here. Wife is at 20w right now.

Be there to support her and try to make this all work. Maybe you both weren’t expecting this, but that’s okay. Get ready because a kid is coming. The more you do to support her and commit to this, the easier it will be, trust me. The kid is coming and it is going to be half you and so fun. The more love you give to this kid, the better all three of you will be.

What do you do in the short term? Go to all ob & baby appointments if that’s okay and show her that you are supportive and excited to be a parent with her. Keep leaning into your relationship. You will figure it out along the way.
 
@hopeful4cure What's awesome about kids, is when they first come out, they really don't need much. You get a couple years grace period to get your shit together, don't think you have to become perfect before this baby is born. Do really work on communication with your partner. Kids are amazing, best thing ever in my life. But having kids requires you to sacrifice some of your wants and desires for the health of the kid and the mom. The stronger your bond with your partner, the easier it'll be to be kind, understanding, and forgiving. Be easy on yourself, and your partner. Kids are amazing. You'll be ok.
 
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