Just found out husband of nearly 7 years has had an affair - we have a 3.5y/o and a 17m/o

[renegadelegion]

Hi Moms.

I’ve just found out my husband of nearly 7 years has had an affair last a few months. I’m horrifically minimising it here for the sake of my sanity, but I’m wondering there is some stories out there of other moms who have been cheated on who have kept the family together? Or, the flip side, if this has happened to you with young kids, how did the aftermath play out?

 

[taryn12]

@renegadelegion I’ve never been on either side, but I would say now is the time to renegotiate the marriage entirely. What would it take for you to stay? Is that worth it or would you rather leave?

 

[renegadelegion]

@taryn12 That’s a great way to position it.

 

[jesterdeal]

@renegadelegion I would attend couples therapy either way, even if it is to be at peace with whatever you decide.

 

[erik2000]

@jesterdeal A close friend of mine had small children with her husband who cheated on her. He came clean to her about everything. They went to therapy. It was difficult for them both to overcome but it eventually saved their marriage.

 

[jesterdeal]

@erik2000 Idk how people do it, but i do understand not wanting to share custody

 

[sophe]

@renegadelegion There are many infidelity survivors ready and willing to support and relate with you online in the thriving community at www.chumplady.com. Its host author wrote an excellent book “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life.” Worth a visit to check it out- no matter how much you love him, you my friend can do so, so much better than staying married to a fuckwit who would cheat on the mother of his young children.

 

[jamesstewart89]

@renegadelegion Band aids don't stick the same twice. So if you end, it it is over. Also, this should ruin any trust in the relationship. You can try therapy, but my personal stance is that the line has to be drawn somewhere. How much infidelity can you allow and still trust and love the person? What counts as infidelity to you? How can you ensure that you can trust him not to do it again? What example are you setting for your kids if you stay or don't stay.

If you leave, it shows integrity and that you have standards you hold people to. It also shows that you are strong and don't let people treat you badly. But it breaks up your kids parents and forces them into a divided family.

If you stay, it can show perseverance in a relationship and being able to work through things. But it also shows your kids and your husband that you allow people to betray your trust. The family dynamic you have now stays the same, and that may be what you determine is best for your kids at this time. You can work through it in therapy, but your mental health, sanity, and ability to trust and love your husband will all be altered.

I personally could not stay if my husband cheated. I would leave. I'm a SAHM, and my kids are homeschooled. So divorce would destroy our current standard of living. But I would leave to show my kids how to hold people accountable to their actions. My husband also knows this is my stance and it's his stance for me as well.

 

[renegadelegion]

@jamesstewart89 You’ve summed up so many of my thoughts.

 

[unsui888]

@renegadelegion I appreciate this response a lot. I do want to say that the family structure is not the most important part of a family. It is love and respect. Kids can deeply sense resentment, hurt, lack of trust, etc. it’ll be important either way that you decide what and how you share with them. It will also be important either way that you seek help for your own hurt and support in navigating that. It is journey where narrating it and living through it will show your kids navigating real life and true character. But staying married and maintaining your living arrangement is not what your kids will care most about going forward.

 

[katrina2017]

@unsui888 You said this so perfectly. So much so it made me text my mom, and thank her for making the hard choice to leave my dad when we were kids and show me strength. I have a great relationship with both of my parents now, but I don’t think my mom and I would have such a great one if I’d been subject to seeing her treated as less than on a daily basis. Maybe I’d have started to treat her that way, or think it was okay to be treated that way myself, or treat others like that. She’s solely responsible for my kindness, tenacity, and persistent positivity and I truly think I’d be a completely different (worse) person if she’d stayed.

 

[shellyslioneyes]

@jamesstewart89 I love everything you’re saying, I just wanted to add here that if she leaves, it’s not her who forces the kids to have a divided family. HE was the one who made that conscious choice to jeopardize their family’s health and well-fare. HE is ultimately the one who breaks up anything, if anything gets broken after this, NOT her.

 

[bearman90]

@shellyslioneyes Thank you, I was hoping to see this comment. He's the ruiner, not you OP!

 

[rdenn14]

@jamesstewart89 I don’t think I could stay, either. I would never be able to be intimate with him again. My mind would think about them being intimate, and that would instantly kill any whisper of a lady boner.

 

[adviceplease]

@rdenn14 I stayed with my partner for about a year after finding out and literally every. single. time. We had sex (which was fairly often) I thought about him banging his side chick. It was the worst. I wish I left earlier.

 

[salomon_shalom]

@jamesstewart89 This. I also don’t think I could get over that he put me ask risk of contracting a potential STD and putting my own body at risk.

 

[tmarcee]

@jamesstewart89 To add to this, my SIL caught my bro having an emotional affair. They didn’t have kids at the time so she just packed up and left. He managed to convince her to come back after many months of pleading and asking for forgiveness.

In the end, she did forgive him - but yeah I can tell you that up till now, at least in her eyes, the marriage doesn’t have 100% trust and might never have it again (they never went for counselling to sort out their issues though).

SIL and I used to hang out a lot when I stayed closer to them before my marriage and she confided that she would check her phone (with his knowledge) once in a while just to “reassure herself”. They seem okay now to most people but I know that my brother walks on thin ice some days. It’s not the way I’d want my marriage to be, but to each their own.

 

[katrina2017]

@jamesstewart89 This is SUCH a great comment!

But also to OP, I suggest posting in r/surivinginfidelity

 

[guillotine]

@jamesstewart89 I appreciate this response so much. I would never be able to stay with a cheater, because I would never trust them again, and I refuse to be in a relationship without trust

My coparent and I had a long conversation today about our past issues, and your comment led me to research financial infidelity and being able to put a name to that has helped me tonight, thank you

 

[sayge]

@renegadelegion There is a surviving infidelity subreddit that has steps to work through it together if that’s what you want. They reference the website chumplady.com a lot. There’s things your husband must do if he is serious about reconciliation. Like ZERO contact with the affair person, open phone policy. I think it’s r/survivinginfidelity