It’s hard to forgive

[benji7]

I’ve (27y/o) somewhat taken on the role of parenting this year since I am watching my sister’s (42 y/o) 3 kids, 5,8 & 14 y/o, while they do virtual school. I used to be the “cool” aunt, and I still somewhat am with the Littles, but the teenager has shook my world. It’s all a total mind fuck with him. Trying to get him to do his schoolwork and not bully his siblings is what consumes every day. He can be a real dick to his siblings who are genuinely sweethearts, if not a little annoying sometimes. He is ALWAYS trying to get away with something, wether it be playing games on his iPad during school, FaceTiming his girlfriend during school, taking off his parental controls since he keeps finding the code my sister has set. Leaving the house without telling anyone where he’s going or when he’ll be back. Constantly making explicit sex jokes in front of the Littles. Saying he’s done with all his homework so he can hang out with friends but he hasn’t. He is ALWAYS lying. It’s exhausting. He truly needs to be micromanaged. My sister is so sweet and lenient with him and gives him chance after chance to prove himself. He has diagnosed ADHD and depression so she is very accommodating but I feel like he totally manipulates her. And we’re a very happy household. My sister is basically an undiscovered comedian/writer and is constantly trying to make us laugh. She’s always reminded me of Amy Poehler in her energy and comedic sensibilities. The reason I mention that is that as a kids I would’ve LOVED to have a mom as cool as her and he totally takes it for granted. She’s also a freaking high school English teacher so she is very empathic towards him and he acts like she knows nothing. All of this I can logically attest to “normal teenage stuff”, I know I wasn’t a saint at his age. But the hardest part of this is not hating him, to put it bluntly. Or not holding a grudge. I know kids need to have those second and third and fifth and sixth and eighth chances in life, but it’s hard not to hold resentment towards him. If anyone else in my life lied to me as many times as he has I would’ve cut ties with them. I’m worried he’s not developing any empathy skills, or if he is, he sure as hell isn’t showing it. How do parents find it in themselves to forgive these little assholes? Haha. I don’t want our relationship to be ruined over this one school year. But I’ve seen him make a lot of bad character choices and it’s hard to forget all that.

P.s. I promise I don’t call him “dick” and “asshole” to his face. Only on the internet haha.

 

[hef]

@benji7 It sounds like everyone in your household has a lot going on right now. There's a pandemic. Your sister works (presumably) full-time. Your sister's kids are probably still adjusting to their new routines, etc. And your nephew is trying to process and adjust to all that in addition to puberty and, as you phrased it, "normal teenage stuff."

The first piece of advice I have is something that's gotten me through almost 17 years of parenting without too many bumps along the way: "Always take your child seriously, but never personally." There's almost always a reason they're acting out. It's our job as caregivers to try to identify and address the underlying problem, which admittedly can be pretty difficult to recognize sometimes.

With that in mind, I wonder if your nephew's struggling with the adjustment of you going from "cool aunt" to authority figure? Because it sounds to me like he's acting out and acting inappropriately in front of you specifically as a way to find out in what ways the dynamic of his relationship with you has changed.

If that's the case, he probably doesn't even realize he's doing it or why if only because children act impulsively, and even (and maybe especially) at his age your nephew still hasn't learned how to properly regulate his emotions because as big and grown as he tries to act, he's still a literal child and it helps to remember that.

So, let's just assume for now that he resents your new role as an authority figure.

I suggest sitting down with your sister and figuring out exactly the type of behaviors that need to be addressed when he's under your supervision, and what behaviors can be dealt with by mom when she gets home. If your sister and you can hash out those details, I believe it could take some of the pressure off you because then you won't feel responsible for the actual parenting and disciplining of your nephew, which I feel has a lot to do with your feelings of resentment toward him right now, and quite likely any feelings of resentment he has toward you.

Good luck! And try to remember: Don't take it personally. He's trying to figure this new normal and testing everyone's boundaries along the way.

 

[dirknolan]

@benji7 This reminds me of my son a few years back. We did a free assessment at the local psychiatry hospital. He actually did in patient as well as out patient treatment there. Get him support sooner rather than later. Even therapy once per week would be a good start. I hear some red flags in your post, that I would not ignore. As for you, just know that they will grow out of this. I was a terrible teenager. Shoplifting, stealing my mom's car, forging checks, spray painting neighborhoods.. and I made a total turnaround. He may just need a firm punch to the mouth by one of his buddies to line him up. My teenager destroyed my house this morning because I deleted his snap account. You're not alone. Over in another sub, we reference diamond hands a lot, but in your case, may you have diamond patience!

 

[katrina2017]

@benji7 Ask your sister if you can hold his chargers. Either he behaves, or no power for the devices.