It’s hard for me to not feel resentful over my spouse working so much

[foreverhis84]

My husband works a lot. A lot, a lot. I used to be a teacher. He used to be Active Duty military and we moved constantly. My career could not keep up. He suggested I stay at home. When our eldest was a few months old, I became a SAHM. Earlier this year, he made the switch to Reserves and started a federal job on the same base. We have two kids now, 5 and 3. Our 5 year old is autistic and ADHD. He also has had some medical issues, one of which required a relatively emergent surgery in June. He’s starting Kindergarten next week. I’ve also had some medical problems as well. I needed a procedure performed under general anesthesia, but my husband couldn’t/wouldn’t take off work, and because of his job, we live hundreds of miles away from friends and family, so there’s no one to help. I had to cancel. I rescheduled for the end of this month, but surprise surprise, he’s not going to be around again. My husband is just never around, for anything. I feel like I am raising the kids myself and he just sometimes shows up. I do everything solo. Appointments, functions, OT for our son, every day to day errand. He’s gone most of August, thousands of miles away, so I get to navigate our special need’s child’s first month of school alone. Then he comes back for like a week, and leaves again for most of September. It’s just frustrating. And it’s hard for me to not feel resentful. There’s nothing really for me to do with the kids where we live. Yesterday the heat index was 118°F, and the town is small. “Getting out of the house” means going to Walmart. I’ve tried making friends, and I sorta/kinda made friends with a neighbor, but her child is significantly younger than mine and my kids are way too rough. I begged my husband to take a vacation this summer but he just kept saying it’s too expensive. Despite working all the time, he still doesn’t make enough because the cost of living where we live is astronomical. Our electric bill last month was around $400. Yet we don’t qualify for any type of assistance. I feel like I’m just…alone. And I’m not sure how to fix it all, other than waiting until my youngest is also in school, and I can go back to work. (Husband one thousand percent refuses to pay for childcare, and if we’re honest, my paycheck would probably just cover the cost of daycare here). I’m not sure what the point of this post was. Just looking to rant, I guess. Thank you for reading.

 

[peggyleggy]

@foreverhis84 You should feel resentful. Your and your children’s needs aren’t* being met. You entered into marriage expecting an equal partner but frankly you got someone who barely pulls his weight. He cannot afford child care for his children. He isn’t willing to provide childcare help. When we agree to have children we agree to take care of whatever person we bring into this world including a child with AuADHD and other needs.

He isn’t willing to request off work for your surgery. Aren’t federal jobs cushy? I thought the pay was so-so but the benefits were great?

My friend is a SAHM with a husband in Reserves. She is spending half of August at the beach with family while her husband is doing training.

 

[foreverhis84]

@peggyleggy He says that he can’t ask off, and the surgery I had scheduled interferes with a TDY which he can’t get out of. I thought federal jobs were cushy too but if anything, he is gone more now than he was when he was active duty.

 

[heloise23]

@foreverhis84 My husband has a demanding federal job with frequent travel (US Forest Service) and he takes leave and sick time to support me and our daughter all the time. He’s been to every single one of our daughter’s Dr appointments. But he works with a lot of men who purposefully avoid and neglect their families, which it honestly sounds to me like your husband is doing.

 

[simon1998]

@heloise23 My husband also works a federal job and the first 5 years after we started having kids he traveled all the time. It was really hard but he still took time off for appointments and when I or our kids were sick.

This situation isn’t sustainable. Your going to have a breakdown and your marriage is going to struggle. If he isn’t giving you or his kids any attention then what is the point of being in this family? I would have a talk with him about your needs and expectations, and if he won’t meet them you might need to talk about what long term looks like for you and your kids.

If he is going to be gone all the time I’d go stay with family who can help me out. You don’t need to be alone. He has left you hanging solo with a special needs kiddo and your health needs and to me that is borderline abuse.

 

[marky93]

@heloise23 As someone who was active duty and was a GS employee (which is sounds like OP husband is also), I know there are a lot of resources it sounds like OPs husband either isn’t aware of, or is intentionally not taking advantage of. Hopefully he’s just not aware.

 

[kathryn1209]

@foreverhis84 You're burnt out and exhausted. I'm sorry your husband isn't supportive of your needs - especially your surgery. I'd imagine he could get some sort of paid leave...

Reserve component members, including National Guard, also accrue leave at the rate of 2.5 days for each month that they are on active-duty orders. Reserve components have some special rules for how and when they can use their leave

I found this after a quick search, so he should have some sort of leave so he can at least watch the kids during your surgery but it really depends on his position.

Virtual hugs from this stranger and just know you're doing amazing. You're kicking butt keeping up with your Littles despite doing it solo, and it's hard af but you're doing great and I'm sure you're going to make some friends when your oldest goes into kindergarten

 

[foreverhis84]

@kathryn1209 Unfortunately that leave isn’t guaranteed and it’s case by case, my procedure wasn’t emergent and it interferes with a TDY he’s going on this month It sucks.

 

[jeffc1983]

@foreverhis84 My husband works 80 hours a week and just learned he has to leave for Ireland for 2 weeks to squash some work fires that happened while he was gone on a very rare vacation. Our kids are 9&11 so it’s manageable but I remember when they were 5&3 and yeah it’s insanely rough and after all these years I’m still resentful - but also I’m more used to it now that the kids can do things them self.
Actually I think it was a wake up moment when he just told me 2 days ago he has to leave this weekend and the kids and I said “well we’re kinda used to you not being around”

He does work his butt off for us and the house when he has time and we do enjoy our brief time together. But taking care of such young kids by yourself is really really hard!! Of course you’ll be resentful.

 

[brucepjr]

@foreverhis84 My husband was in the military before we had kids. I told him I was happy to support his military career if that’s what he wanted, but I would not have children in that lifestyle. He got out and got a 9-5 job.

Your husband needs to choose. He can either pay childcare or get a new job. Those are the choices. You need to be clear that you cannot and will not continue this. You need effing surgery! And he refused to be part of the family to help! Unacceptable!

 

[jktluvsjesus]

@foreverhis84 I’m sorry things are so unfair for you. None of us can know the specifics of your situation to offer any relevant advice.

If your husband is completely unwilling to compromise then yes, it seems you have to wait it out until your kids are in school.

Why do you think your husband is so uncompromising for you? It cannot be possible that he is completely unable to take time for his wife to have surgery. That just isn’t true.

We all like to think we are vital and can’t be replaced in our job. But I promise you, his employer is not looking out for him the way he is looking out for them. He can be replaced tomorrow and they wouldn’t look back. His family isn’t going anywhere.

Hugs mama!

 

[alearose]

@foreverhis84 I would absolutely hate that. I’m so sorry. I hope things take a positive turn for you in the future.

 

[mendicant]

@foreverhis84 Omfg are you me?!?! Also a teacher w/an ex-active duty military partner. He is getting ready to go back into foreign affairs (it’s literally dangerous for me to get too far into it here), and we will be a LOT…like…significantly more than double a lot more comfortable in a few months, but I have a feeling it will get even harder in some ways. My first move after budgeting (and I can’t imagine a world in which idc about grocery prices, for example) will be to hire a cleaning service, even though I barely have time to attempt to clean now.

 

[foreverhis84]

@mendicant It seems like we may have the exact same life, if your name is Emily, mine is too, lol.

 

[mendicant]

@foreverhis84 Haha, mine isn’t actually Emily but close enough! My username is Theodore Roosevelt’s daughter’s snake. I’m sooOOOOooO quirky

Haha

 

[foreverhis84]

@mendicant That is so niche I love it

 

[camillabegumm]

@foreverhis84 I’d have a serious talk about changing careers. My partner is also often away but nowhere near this much and we regularly have to check in that things are still manageable for me. Sending good thoughts your way- it’s so tough but it doesn’t HAVE to be.

 

[foreverhis84]

Thank you all for the comments. I will take everything you’ve said seriously and consider my options going forward…
I appreciate the advice and responses.

 

[katrina2017]

@foreverhis84 Ik the feeling, not totally.but similarly. My.hudbands a police officer. He works a minimum of 80 hours a week. Between OT its more like 90-100 depending on what's going on in the city.

I've been solo parenting for going on 4 days now with no end in sight. (He got a big case over the last week...)

Friends and family all live far and have older kids than mine so it's not really a break to visit or see them.

It's rough, so isolating. And you never get a proper break.

 

[foreverhis84]

@katrina2017 I’m sorry you know the feeling. It’s so hard.