Is it selfish to have kids with large age gaps, 10+ years?

@aog17 I'll be honest, I was the older sibling when a new baby came along and it was painful and sad for me, which I know sounds selfish but it's truly the way I felt at the time and did sadly impact my relationship with my parents for the rest of my life too, I suppose. However the circumstances already involved struggling with depression at that time and not getting help for it, and financial instability and financial struggles, which sucked to be so aware of when you're still a child technically, and made me wonder when we were already struggling why they would choose to do that. If you're situation is entirely different and you have a good relationship, I can imagine things would be way different. For me it hurt so badly to have an awful relationship with my parents and for a new infant they doted on to come along. Though it appears for your family things may be much, much different and I wish you all the best and more in whatever path unfolds!
 
@confused_mom That breaks my heart, I am so sorry! You didnt deserve that. This is something I want to be aware of, and I hope my kids dont feel this way. Sometimes they bottle things in even when we try our hardest to help/understand.
 
@aog17 Thank you, and times are definitely changing and will probably continue to change in terms of parents and children being open with one another, acceptance and discussion of mental health, and the dynamic of that with parents/family, I know is certainly more acknowledged now rather than in the past decade, two decades, maybe even three. It is often so hard to ask for help as a child or teen (and as an adult too honestly for many I bet) even when you desperately want to, I've found in the past
 
@aog17 I’m 8-15 years younger than all 7 of my half and step siblings. We don’t talk at all anymore in our adult years. I’m 38. After our dad’s funeral, my brother who is 12 years older, told me that he would never see me as anything more than a clumsy, stupid teenager. I have my own successful business, I’m happily married w a child, living my best life (minus genetic health issues bc I’m the only one that got both my parent’s fucked up genes). He told me that I was born too late and didn’t imprint on them early enough, so I don’t really matter to them anymore. I’m not really important bc they don’t have anyone around(our dad) forcing me to be important to them anymore. So yeah, while I thought my older siblings hung the fucking moon and stars when I was little, the younger ones physically abused the hell out of me and the oldest ones all emotionally abused me one way or another. I’m grateful for my experiences and I hate that my son has to be an only child, but I can honestly say I wish I’d never been born into my family. I love my mom, she’s amazing now that we understand each other. I just sometimes wished she’d gotten knocked up w me and then escaped to the mountains to raise me by herself. Abandoning her asshole son and daughter and her asshole step sons, and never meeting her current husband and forcing me to deal w his horrible sons.

Let me add that one big problem is that the much older siblings are often parentified and asked to babysit when they should be allowed or go out and spend time w friends and have fun. They shouldn’t be forced to watch their siblings bc you insisted you needed one more. This causes so much resentment toward the a younger kids as well as towards you.
 
@kellypham Wow, I am so sorry! I recently lost my father, and I can't imagine losing my sister at the same time because I didn't mean enough to her. Your siblings will regret that one day. You deserve the best in life, and im sure you are an incredible parent after what you went through!
 
@aog17 My in-laws have a 10 year gap from their first to second. They're alright now but in the beginning it was rough because the oldest one didn't take to the change well. They had to get him into therapy. Kiddo was used to being the star of the show and getting moved to second place while the baby was doing the baby stuff was hard on him. I don't think it's selfish to try for another. Just make sure the rest of the brood doesn't feel like they're being replaced.
 
@aog17 I’m going to share my experience, for what it’s worth. I was the “flu” — a very unexpected pregnancy. I was 9 and 7 years younger than my siblings. They could not stand me. I grew up hearing that I was annoying, stupid, and always messing things up. That has an impact on a child. I became a perfectionist and that impacted my mental health. Because I was never close to my siblings, my friends became my family when I was in my teens and 20s. To be honest, my siblings and I barely have any relationship as adults. It’s sad, especially when I see my husband’s comfortable and loving connection with his sister.

I’m not saying this to dissuade you; I just thought it might be helpful for you to have the perspective of an “accidental” person who was far younger than their siblings. Don’t get me wrong — I’m happy to be in this world and I usually love my life…but I wish I had had a relationship with the other kids in my family. As an interesting note, when I started planning a family with my husband, I was determined to have children very close together, because I wanted them to have everything I didn’t: a loving, close connection with each other. It worked!
 
@danzou Im glad it worked out for your children! Im so sorry it didnt workout with your siblings. I guess you truly never know, some people have said they cant stand their close age sibling too
 
@aog17 My aunt and my uncle are 18 years apart. He and my mom are 13 years apart.

My oldest half brother is the same age as my mom lol, in their 50s. My parents are 20 years apart. My mom only has me and my twin brother. The 2nd oldest half brother would be in his mid 40s (he passed away about 10 years ago when he was in his mid 30s). I became an aunt at 7yo and now I'm a great aunt to my oldest niece's toddler. The 3rd oldest is 3yrs older than me and my twin brother. They all live in different states so I never saw them. I talked to the other 2 older half brothers and wrote letters. I've never met the oldest one though. But the one who's 3 years older would take a bus and visit us before my dad passed and then stayed with us for a few months after our dad passed away.

I don't think it's weird. It's not up to them if you want to have another child. If they have questions, you can explain that they are your bonus children and you would like to have another bio child while you're still young. Let them know that they won't be stuck on baby duty and can be normal kids themselves and pursue whatever they want to do.

People always ask me why I don't adopt bcuz I've been struggling to get pregnant and had a MMC a few years ago and I tell them if they are for adopting and spending a shit ton of money for a baby or child who might not even come, then they can do it themselves and that this is my choice and I feel very strongly about it. Maybe one day I'll adopt, but it's not for me right now and that's ok. Then I tell them to mind their own business.
 
@youngmc Wow that is complicated and at the same time, seems so normal the way you handle it! Im so sorry about your mc, and struggles getting pregnant. Its so common it seems these days. I dont blame you at all for not being ready to adopt, and there's still a big possibility you will get pregnant. I hope it happens for you very soon and is a safe & healthy pregnancy!
 
@aog17 Thank you 😊. Sometimes it sucks but I try to look at the positives. I'm a firm believer in doing what I feel is right for me and try to advocate that to others, so they can stand up for what they want, to make themselves happy, instead of trying to please everyone else.
 
@aog17 I'm younger than my siblings by 13 and 16 years (same parents, same marriage- proof that birth control isn't perfect even when doubled up!)

I grew up as basically an only. My siblings were out of the house by th time I was 2 and 5. And except for Christmas and a couple of summers, I don't really remember them living at home. Mostly they were like an extra set of parents who were more strict than the real set.

However, when my dad was diagnosed with a terminal illness, my sister and I both experienced several major life events at around the same time. We both moved our families closer from established jobs and communities, had partners who needed to find new work, children to reestablish etc. We also both were trying to support mom and dad through everything, and organize things for them. It brought us WAY closer and now as mom ages were are more of a team in managing what she needs.

I'd say we didn't suffer for having an age gap. But we definitely got two vastly different experiences of who our parents were (theirs were young and ready to do "things " and mine had money but less outings- most of their friends kids were also older). I was a latch key kid and had lots of spare parents, my sibs were usually with neighbours or my parents as part of a larger group of young people. Neither was bad, just different.

Age gaps can work as long as the older kids aren't forced to babysit or take all the responsibility of the younger ones beyond a sibling role, and as long as there is some work put into building those bonds rather than lots of comparisons or focus on the youngest etc.
 
@adamlost I can see older siblings being more strict than parents for sure lol. Glad you are getting closer with time though, and even raising your kids together. Im so sorry about your dad. I lost my dad 3 months ago to cancer, and having my sister through that loss with my mom has really helped. Im hoping if we can have one more, my 9 year old will be close to them as adults. Shes kind of the loner because the older 2 are so close in age and had the same expierences.
 
@adamlost This is what I wanted to say. I think my relationship with my MUCH younger brother would have been ruined if I had been made responsible for him. I never bossed him around or pretended to mom him and it was good for us.
 
@aog17 One of my best friends, her sister, who is 11 years older than her, is her absolute best friend in the world. It just took until she was a teenager to build that relationship.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

J
Am I selfish for not filing CS?
2
Replies
36
Views
195
juelrei
J
C
Selfish teenager 15f
Replies
19
Views
206
abbim
A
D
Husband is unhelpful/selfish after having our son
Replies
9
Views
143
ltcajh
L
M
WIBTA for not wanting more kids/suggesting that one of us gets “fixed”?
2 3
Replies
40
Views
169
franklinpub
F
R
How it's going 7.5 years out with 3 kids and 3 languages- another (extensive) update
Replies
13
Views
84
relle25
R
Back
Top