Is it selfish to have kids with large age gaps, 10+ years?

[aog17]

@lonleftwingforjc I truly appreciate this! I was asking for honesty, and that's what I got. Thank you! Im so sorry about your oldest. My 2 oldest have a broken other home and it has caused a lot of issues for us as well. Our middle daughter refuses to see her mom usually, and the oldest adores her and acts just like her. She's also encouraged to skip school, fight kids & be rude. It's always been hard to deal with. She's got so much built-up anger, but counseling is helping her find ways to release it in a healthy way.

Also, it has been an interesting perspective of having kids in the home for so long. When you say it like that, especially, lol. Thatd add another 18 years minimum of having someone at home, which is a big thing to consider. Do you live far away from family? We have no family close, but hopefully, we will soon, which would help with date nights. I will think that part through though, thank you again!

 

[lonleftwingforjc]

@aog17 my parents are 3 hours away. They are also quite old. My two youngest are the youngest in the family by a lot. Actually it is my oldest who was the previous youngest.
I have siblings on the opposite coast I only see maybe once a year. My partner is from across an ocean so we rarely see that family.
When we were expecting twins everyone was excited and all our friends promised so much babysitting. It turned out just two friends have sat for us in 7 years. They are awesome and also busy so a date night once a year was about it.
We have found now that they are older we have hired sitters.
I love the kids but wish I was younger when we had more. 40 seemed young enough but it will be nearly 60 before we have our freedom. From 50 to 60 seem like a lot of years we could have enjoyed together while still pretty young. aas I close in on 50 with the new finish line at 60 I feel every new joint pain and how much shorter our hike distances get.

If we could get much time alone together it might not seem so bad to wait til then.

 

[tristatervrepair]

@aog17 Seek a CHILDS perspective if you really wanna analyze this. Not just another parent saying they did it too (respectfully)

 

[sarah_beloved]

@shmuel7 One of my best friends, her sister, who is 11 years older than her, is her absolute best friend in the world. It just took until she was a teenager to build that relationship.

 

[tehathyest]

@shmuel7

 

[buddyfern2016]

@shmuel7 Amen - same with me

 

[dharmachrsitian]

@aog17 We had serious health circumstances with our oldest so weren't able to have more until he was 12, then 15 with our third.

He loves his little sisters - had to wait a long time to get them! We only have him part time, and sometimes they annoy him, but he's almost 18 and dotes on the toddler the most.

I'll say it's vital to not parentify them, don't expect them to babysit, or really to provide any care for their younger sibs. If they want to, that's great. I recently took mine to the water park and my big did some short stints of toddler duty while I took my middle where they wanted to go, but I've never even asked him to babysit. If I did, he would be paid.

 

[aog17]

@dharmachrsitian Had to wait a long time to get them, thats perfect! Im sure all siblings are annoying no matter the age, but I love that over all hes happy with them and not bothered by age. Thankfully, I learned not to parentify with my oldest 2, which has always been so important to us as well. I think they enjoy helping occasionally on their own terms. Their bio mom isn't great and always makes them take care of their siblings from her when they visit. I think it made them both not want children for a very long time.

 

[dharmachrsitian]

@aog17 I'm glad they have the balance at your house with not being shoved into the responsibility! I'm sure it'll lead to a much closer sibling relationship when they're older, because it got to be on their terms.

Best of luck no matter what you decide!

 

[marks1mpson]

@aog17 My sister and brother are 14 and 12 years older than me (same parents, one very tragic loss in-between my siblings and myself). My siblings like me ha ha. I felt like more of an only child growing up which was fine but now we're all adults, married with kids of our own, the age gap has basically closed and we're good friends. I never felt compared to my siblings because I think it has been so long my parents couldn't really remember, which was nice. I felt like my own person. I think bringing a child into this world is inherently selfish (I've done it myself and still believe this), but if they're brought into it wanted and loved, they're getting a good start. The thing I'd say is don't try and parentify your other kids. Don't expect them to help loads with the baby, don't expect them to babysit etc. My parents never did this to my siblings and I think that's the best way. Kids should be allowed to be kids.

 

[aog17]

@marks1mpson Love this, thank you!! I have to agree that it is selfish for completely different reasons. They would definitely be wanted/loved though! What I hope for the most is that as adults that age gap closes, like it did for you. I recently lost my father and if I didnt have my sister, I dont know how id cope. Also, im very sorry for the loss in between. I cant imagine!

 

[mmsyther]

@aog17 I would just like to add from someone who has siblings 20 years younger and also kids with a decade + gap, it's totally ok to have the older son help out with the kiddo. Our teens were basically forced to bond with their little brother in ways they might not have otherwise had they been playing video games all day while he was a toddler. You know what's "too much" and obviously when the parents are home, we are the default caregivers, but if you need to do something, it's okay to ask the older kids to keep an eye on the younger one. A lot of people saying don't do it at all, when in my opinion (from both sides of the equation), that is totally fine as long as you don't ALWAYS do it and you acknowledge the help the kids are providing by watching a younger sib so you can get stuff done.

 

[aog17]

@mmsyther I agree 100%! My two oldest didn't help with my youngest until she was a toddler, but they did keep an eye on her at home. I made sure not to keep them home to babysit or "raise" her, but they didnt mind helping out around the house. Their bio mom will leave all of her young kids with them for days, so thats kind of traumatized them.

 

[mmsyther]

@aog17 Yeah, that's different. Having the older kids raise the younger ones, especially when there is no real need for it (situations where parents have to work multiple jobs to make ends meet, etc), is rough.

 

[lauren11]

@aog17 So I have a ten-year age gap between my oldest, who is 10, and my youngest, which are 10-month-old twins.

We did not plan on having any more children. I have 10M, 7F and the twins. We were done after two. We LOVE our surprise babies, though, so it all worked out okay.

I will also say that my son adores his little sisters. My daughter loves them, too.

I think this is a situation for you where you won't regret having another baby but you would regret not having a baby. My sister is going back and forth on having a third baby and we talked it out like, imagine your table at Thanksgiving in 20 years and how full you want it to be with your family.

I don't think there's a right or wrong answer and I think having kids in the first place can be seen as being selfish, so really, it just boils down to whether you want to or not. I say go for it lol but we are so happy with our big family so it's easy for me to say that.

 

[aog17]

@lauren11 I love this, too! Congratulations on your two surprise babies. I imagine hearing it was twins was shocking at first. I truly dont think I'd regret it, I just worried my kids wouldn't be happy, and that's what made me feel selfish - along with the opinions of my close friends. They will absolutely be loved, and hearing that older siblings can still adore them makes it that much better. I hope your sister has a 3rd baby. Thanksgiving with your kids and hopefully grandkids, that's what life is about.

 

[katrina2017]

@aog17 My brother and I are 10 years apart. It ultimately led to having a horrible relationship. He tried to get rid of me as a baby and when that didn't work he would find ways to hurt me like burning me with something or handcuffing me to something in his room and shooting rubber bands at me.

As we got older and he moved out we had no relationship. He was doing his own thing and I was just being a normal kid. Eventually we ended up having a hobby we could enjoy together which was the best part in our relationship. His girlfriends would get jealous that he has a relationship with his sister which is part of the reason we started to have issues. Later down the line our parents died and he stole my inheritance.

Last time I saw him was in a department store where he tried to strangle me. That was 9 years ago.

 

[aog17]

@katrina2017 Thats incredibly sad, and crazy! Im so sorry for the way he treated you. Honestly it sounds like hes got issues beyond anyones control. You shouldnt have had to pay the price for that

 

[billy3140]

@aog17 My first sister and I are 22 months apart, and the next one is 11 years younger than me. We loved having a baby in the house, but the relationship definitely changed as we all got older. She was essentially like an only child and was raised completely differently than us, especiallybecausemy oarents were older and tired. Though my sister that is close in age and I don't have resentment towards her, we definitely have resentment at our parents. They were in a much better place when she was growing up and gave her experiences and opportunities we never had. For example, she's in her 20s and has never had a job while my sister and I had to work at 15. We basically have no relationship with her now that we are in our mid-30s, and she's in the mid-20s besides seeing her at the holidays. I tried to build a relationship with the younger one, but the age gap was too big, and the life experiences were different.

This is just my experience. I know other siblings who are close with bigger age gaps. I also know a lot of situations where the older siblings feel that resentment over the lifestyle parents can provide the younger child vs what they did with the older.

 

[aog17]

@billy3140 Thank you! Im sorry that it worked out that way. That's something that weighs heavy on my mind when im worried. I hope that when she's around 30 and maybe more grown up, you will all form a closer bond. My oldest kids definitely had it harder than even my 9 year old, partially from us being younger but mostly from their mom being unstable. I hope that doesn't cause too much resentment with them