If a parent misses a visit does he make up for it next the weekend?

[savedbyyeshua]

@junipermints I think he can swap weekends but I agree with him that I would want the entire schedule to change.

If he misses a weekend for a legitimate reason, he can have the NEXT TWO WEEKENDS in a row. This way the rotation of weekends doesn’t permanently change.

So it would go from

You
Him
You
Him
You
Him

To
You
You
Him
Him
You
Him

 

[katrina2017]

@savedbyyeshua I could be reading it wrong but my impression is he doesn’t want to do 2 weekends in a row. Seems like the logical solution though.

 

[danields]

@junipermints Misses visitation is forfeited. Unfortunately, he has no obligation to make it up. You also have no obligation to change everything to accommodate his whims.

If his weekend falls on a sports day - he should take her to sports - that’s parenting.

 

[barbs]

@junipermints ngl but bro isnt trying hard enough. unless it's dire then i would understand but he hasnt given you a reason and just that it's inconvenient to swap other weekends. your kid knows, should try to address it with kid and coparent so he understands what he is doing to her with his actions.

 

[brandonsmith13]

@junipermints If I'm understanding, you're saying he normally has every other weekend, and your train of thought is:
If he misses one weekend, he should have the next, then just resume the every other weekend schedule from that point on?
Example:
Origional schedule
Weekend 1: dad
Weekend 2: mom
Weekend 3: dad
Weekend 4: mom
Weekend 5: dad
Weekend 6: mom

But then he misses, say, weekend 3. So you think that missed weekend should result in alterations and wind up looking something like this:
Weekend 1: dad
Weekend 2: mom
Weekend 3: (dad cancels) mom
Weekend 4: dad
Weekend 5: mom
Weekend 6: dad
...and so on

If that's your expectation, OP, then yes, you're both "taking crazy pills," AND this is fair.

I completely understand where you're coming from, in the sense that you just want him to maintain a consistent relationship with her, and don't want your daughter to suffer any negative feelings as a result of going several weeks without seeing her dad.

However, just flipping the whole schedule moving forward is NOT common practice. And while it may not make much of a difference to you in this season of life, flipping the whole schedule moving forward as a result of one missed weekend will likely become very problematic in the future.

Consider these scenarios:
1. What happens when you plan a vacation with your daughter, that spans what's supposed to be "your weekend," say 4months in advance, but because of a missed weekend between when reservations were made and when the actual trip is going to occur, a weekend gets missed, then made up with your "Do the next weekend, then just continue the flip-flop schedule from that point on," scenerio? All of a sudden, his weekend falls in the middle of your planned trip.

1. As you mentioned, your daughter's social and extracurricular schedule will become busier as she gets older. If dad is unwilling to facilitate her participation in these things, due to distance or whatever, one of 3 things will need to happen: either he will have to give up his weekends (or at least part of them) more frequently in the future; or she will have to learn that she has to decide between spending her weekend with her dad, or doing whatever other activity is occurring on that weekend; or you may reach a point where dad is unwilling to facilitate her participation in activities on his weekends BUT ALSO is unwilling to give up his weekends- in which case, she'll have to learn and inform any coaches/ leaders/ friends, etc that she's unable to participate in things on his weekends (and although this is frustrating, having a set schedule so you/ she can see what his weekends are, to be able to inform what commitments she can/can't make, will ultimately be more helpful than a 'well we don't know if that will be a mom weekend or a dad weekend yet' situation).

I'm sorry you're having a difficult time with schedules; and I'm sorry your daughter is wondering about her dad's commitment and interest in her- her feelings are totally understandable and valid! (Don't forget to tell her that!). Empathizing with her will benefit her more than trying to fix the cause of the bad feelings. You can wish dad would priortize his time with his daughter more; but unfortunately you can't control the decisions he makes.

 

[junipermints]

@brandonsmith13 I think my original question wasn’t really about controlling my ex it was more about what do other co-parents do in this situation and what’s considered the “norm”.

I personally think things should be more flexible. If he refuses to attend her school events then it puts a huge strain on things and over complicates things. If he just joined for her school events then this wouldn’t bug me so much. We already missed orientation and a Valentine’s Day picnic because they both landed on his weekend. The sports day shes made an effort to train for and is excited with all her peers..hell no am I cancelling it because he refuses to drive 40min out of his way. What grinds my gears is that he chose to move further out and so made his own life more difficult.

 

[jessamesss]

@junipermints Someone told him to “stick to the schedule” prob an attny.

I’m almost 14 years into “parallel parenting” and have learned you can’t force him to see your daughter.

His custody agreement gives him access to your daughter. Not an enforced amount of time. He can always see her less.

The good news is she will eventually pick up on the fact that he doesn’t prioritize her and probably cut off contact like my daughter did at 17.

Learn when he doesn’t show up to say this: “Looks like dad isn’t showing up for his weekend, let’s go get milkshakes and plan something fun .”
State facts but don’t badmouth him. Yes, even if it is his weekend and you have plans.

My $.02 is, he may be dating someone with kids and needs to keep a consistent schedule to coincide with hers.

 

[childofgod001]

@junipermints You can't make him do anything. Would flexibility be useful? Absolutely. But you can't force it to happen. If this is his weekend for custody, then he can say no, she's not going, she's coming here. She won't like it, but he does have the right to enforce it

Is there any reason he can't be the one to take her to these social engagements on his weekend? Why can't he take her to the sports day?

 

[junipermints]

@childofgod001 He lives 40min away from her school. He has known about the sports day for a month. He refuses to take her there and back etc.

It’s a new school she’s been training hard for this sports day and she’s so excited about it. He just won’t see her this weekend then I guess or the next weekend too because he refuses it

 

[jada11]

@junipermints Well when he throws a fit tell him his options are:

1. He keeps the weekend, and takes the kid to/from the sports day.
2. He has the kid after sports day on Saturday (or prior to it if it's on Sunday).
3. He misses another weekend with his kid.

It's his choice how he wants to deal with it

 

[sandflea]

@junipermints Depends on you. You are not obligated to make arrangements for missed time. The grand question is was the miss due to unexpected events, does the child benefit more then your inconvenience

 

[junipermints]

@sandflea Well in this case it’s not about my convenience she has an event he doesn’t want to take her to because it’s 40min away. The weekend before last he cancelled because he was sick so that’s not on me.

 

[sandflea]

@junipermints Yeah that’s them choosing to forfeit their alotted time. I would not give it much more thought. I know easier said than done.
Every other weekend is set. The reschedule would be on something agreed by both parties as it alters the schedule.

Does not reset upon cancellation unless mutually agreed upon.

 

[huffnpuff]

@junipermints IF you have a court order that explicitly states every other weekend starting from [the date the court order was signed], then no, the schedule does not reset when he cancels. The original schedule is always in effect no matter what. If this weekend is supposed to be his (based on the court ordered schedule), and you take that time away from him, then you would be breaking your court order. Unfortunately, dad is doing everything by the book (even if it’s immoral). All you can do is have your daughter see a counselor/therapist if this is negatively impacting her.

However, if there is no order and you guys have an informal agreement then you’re free to do as you please without repercussions, and can make the decision you feel is best for your kid. Though I do recommend getting an official order eventually (if you don’t already have one).

 

[junipermints]

@huffnpuff There is an official order - I’ve looked into it though and in my country I can cancel a visit if there is a reason. Important school events are the reason in this case. I’m also technically not cancelling the weekend he just doesn’t want to take her and so he is cancelling indirectly by refusing to take her.

 

[huffnpuff]

@junipermints Okay, in that case it sounds fine, but do encourage him to come get her after the event, as he is still entitled to the entire weekend. If he refuses then that’s on him.