@daniel83 Having your own kid is completely different from babysitting someone else's. You get to give the babysitting kid back. You will have your own baby 24/7. I used to game everyday after work for hours. Now I can only play if my 1 year old is taking a nap. Most of the time he naps only 40 minutes a day soooo do the math there. I'm sure it gets a bit easier with school age kids but from 0-5 they get all of your attention.
I want a baby- how do I keep a social life?
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plaura94515
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@daniel83 It’s definitely easier to have friends who are also parents because they have similar schedules around childcare, naps, dinner/bath/bedtime and are understanding when you have to flake because your kids sick or your schedule blows out because of protesting children. It’s possible to keep non-parent friends though, especially if you plan daytime hangouts or get really good at trading off childcare and home responsibilities with your partner.
Also, you need to want a preschooler, a grade schooler, a teenager, not just a baby because the baby stage only lasts a year or two. Maybe you already know that but I just thought I’d bring it up just in case because of your phrasing.
Also, you need to want a preschooler, a grade schooler, a teenager, not just a baby because the baby stage only lasts a year or two. Maybe you already know that but I just thought I’d bring it up just in case because of your phrasing.
@plaura94515 Thank you, that's a load off of my mind.
Don't worry, I do want a toddler and a child and a teenager! (A baby is forever, not just for Christmas, haha) In some ways it might be easier, because I could talk to them and they would have their own interests and thoughts. But I think I would start with a baby unless I am unable to physically have children on my own. Still, you make a good point, and I understand how that may have come across. Thank you again!
Don't worry, I do want a toddler and a child and a teenager! (A baby is forever, not just for Christmas, haha) In some ways it might be easier, because I could talk to them and they would have their own interests and thoughts. But I think I would start with a baby unless I am unable to physically have children on my own. Still, you make a good point, and I understand how that may have come across. Thank you again!
@daniel83 To change the tone here: One kid is a breeze. Yes it’s going to change things, and yes it’s harder than zero kids but one is totally workable as far as maintaining most of your life. I still played CoD with my husband and our friends, we went out, we took her on trips, etc. finding a sitter for one kid is easy, traveling with one kid is easy, working a social life around her nap and sleep schedule was easy. She was a happy baby and enjoyed being passed around all over the place (obviously this was pre pandemic ha!)
I had my first at 23 and it was so much fun! Obviously there are the not so fun parts of parenting but I was ready, I loved it. I have three now and my life is much more easily consumed by motherhood, I have to work a lot harder to maintain a personality outside of them but I like the chaos.
This was my experience so obviously take it lightly but I really didn’t find the shift as shocking as I expected.
I had my first at 23 and it was so much fun! Obviously there are the not so fun parts of parenting but I was ready, I loved it. I have three now and my life is much more easily consumed by motherhood, I have to work a lot harder to maintain a personality outside of them but I like the chaos.
This was my experience so obviously take it lightly but I really didn’t find the shift as shocking as I expected.
@daniel83 The newborn phase it’s really hard to do any hobbies or gaming. It’s mostly survival and adjusting to your new life. It gets easy after the baby is 6 months plus (depending on your baby).
In my experience If you don’t have family child care, it is SO hard to do fun things as a couple. However you can do things separately. My husband loves to go to a game shop every week to play in Magic the Gathering tournaments. After we got out of the newborn phase, he was able to start doing that again and occasionally playing with games with him friends at our house. Also It’s tricky to keep friends who are completely different phases of life, but it’s not impossible, as long as they are not the hard core “I hate kids” type. Having kids is wonderful but VERY hard, I highly recommend waiting to have them until your older and super settled (in your career, housing, relationship, financially ect)
In my experience If you don’t have family child care, it is SO hard to do fun things as a couple. However you can do things separately. My husband loves to go to a game shop every week to play in Magic the Gathering tournaments. After we got out of the newborn phase, he was able to start doing that again and occasionally playing with games with him friends at our house. Also It’s tricky to keep friends who are completely different phases of life, but it’s not impossible, as long as they are not the hard core “I hate kids” type. Having kids is wonderful but VERY hard, I highly recommend waiting to have them until your older and super settled (in your career, housing, relationship, financially ect)
@daniel83 I think a lot hinges on where you are in your life when you have the baby. I had my kids in my twenties, and I had to sacrifice a lot. Becoming a mother changed every single aspect of my life. Everything, from my social life, to my career, to my marriage, now had to revolve around my role as a mother. If I had waited until I was older, I think that the transition would have been easier. Maybe not though, some people have said that they weren't even prepared in their thirties for the changes that children bring. I think that parenthood is a little like marriage though. The first year is the hardest in some ways, because you're learning how to live in a different world. Once you get your sea legs it gets easier. Having kids is the biggest decision you will make in your life, because it will irrevocably change you forever. You can leave a bad job, divorce a disappointing partner, move to a new place, but once you have a kid there is no going back. So take your time. If you're worried about your "window" freeze some eggs.
mariaratty
New member
@daniel83 So this reminds me of when we were newly expecting, and I was so scared about what life would be like, and I was so worried that our lives would be over when our daughter was born, and I just remember my husband telling me that I was looking at it all wrong (which is a ballsy thing to say to a very pregnant tired, grouchy, stressy wife.)
And he told me to think of it like we are adding someone to our party. A new adventure buddy if you will.
That really switched my perspective, and since she born (or since I was ready to be up and around) we literally just have gone and done the things we've wanted to do and took her with us, and somehow made it work. Granted there are some things we couldn't do, and it is still challenging sometimes, because you do have the added mental load of making sure your kid is getting what they need, but over all it's worked out great for us so far, and our kid has turned out fairly adaptable because of it.
My husband and I also go to DnD every Saturday (for the most part) and we just take our daughter with us. Our party is great in that they understood that we had a kid when they invited us to come play, and therefore expected and were patient with the ensuing ordeals until we all became accustomed to it, even though at the time none of them had any children.
We started when she was about 6 months old, and shes now a year. We just make sure that we have food, blanket, binky, bottle, toys, and other things she needs. Oh and a pack and play! For the first few months it was mostly just like playing pass the baby, and we would have to take breaks every once in awhile so I could breastfeed, but everyone was super understanding and they even had a separate room for me to feed her in. Now we just set up the pack and play next to one of us so that she can feel like she's part of the group. And so I can feed her snacks and still take my turn. And sometimes she want to play toys and sometimes she wants to watch some bluey, and sometimes she just wants to hang out in my lap or her dad's lap. But usually once it gets to her bedtime she'll get a little fussy and we will make her a bottle and put her down in the pack and play next to us, sometimes she wakes up, and sometimes she sleeps right through the louder than I'd like talking. But either way, I got to keep the socialization aspect of my week (sahm) and she got a chance to play with puppies and eat snacks and play toys. So win win really.
TLDR;
You can totally keep your life and have a kid, it just takes a little more patience and leg work, and maybe some pauses in your dnd sessions, but ultimately i have found it to be completely worth it.
And he told me to think of it like we are adding someone to our party. A new adventure buddy if you will.
That really switched my perspective, and since she born (or since I was ready to be up and around) we literally just have gone and done the things we've wanted to do and took her with us, and somehow made it work. Granted there are some things we couldn't do, and it is still challenging sometimes, because you do have the added mental load of making sure your kid is getting what they need, but over all it's worked out great for us so far, and our kid has turned out fairly adaptable because of it.
My husband and I also go to DnD every Saturday (for the most part) and we just take our daughter with us. Our party is great in that they understood that we had a kid when they invited us to come play, and therefore expected and were patient with the ensuing ordeals until we all became accustomed to it, even though at the time none of them had any children.
We started when she was about 6 months old, and shes now a year. We just make sure that we have food, blanket, binky, bottle, toys, and other things she needs. Oh and a pack and play! For the first few months it was mostly just like playing pass the baby, and we would have to take breaks every once in awhile so I could breastfeed, but everyone was super understanding and they even had a separate room for me to feed her in. Now we just set up the pack and play next to one of us so that she can feel like she's part of the group. And so I can feed her snacks and still take my turn. And sometimes she want to play toys and sometimes she wants to watch some bluey, and sometimes she just wants to hang out in my lap or her dad's lap. But usually once it gets to her bedtime she'll get a little fussy and we will make her a bottle and put her down in the pack and play next to us, sometimes she wakes up, and sometimes she sleeps right through the louder than I'd like talking. But either way, I got to keep the socialization aspect of my week (sahm) and she got a chance to play with puppies and eat snacks and play toys. So win win really.
TLDR;
You can totally keep your life and have a kid, it just takes a little more patience and leg work, and maybe some pauses in your dnd sessions, but ultimately i have found it to be completely worth it.
@mariaratty This really does sound like the best case scenario to me, thank you! And thank you for the ideas, and for the hope, really. 
@daniel83 I'm an 'old dad', and I'm really glad I waited to later in life to have a child. Otherwise, I'd have FOMO.
I would also consider making a bucket list of want to go to, do and try. I would score each bucket list in terms of how much joy or positive impact on your life, and then score money/time cost and ease of accomplishing with a baby. Bucketlist could be travel locations, experiences, collectibles, etc. The things that would be too difficult to do if you had a kid; I would look to see what and how many you can do in the next 1 year, and 3 years. Then look at the items you can do if you had a baby. That would give you an idea of how much you can keep in terms of social life and how much FOMO you'll end up having.
I would also consider weighting in on career aspirations.
I would also consider making a bucket list of want to go to, do and try. I would score each bucket list in terms of how much joy or positive impact on your life, and then score money/time cost and ease of accomplishing with a baby. Bucketlist could be travel locations, experiences, collectibles, etc. The things that would be too difficult to do if you had a kid; I would look to see what and how many you can do in the next 1 year, and 3 years. Then look at the items you can do if you had a baby. That would give you an idea of how much you can keep in terms of social life and how much FOMO you'll end up having.
I would also consider weighting in on career aspirations.
@sophiaseo That's really really good advice, thank you! I will try it out!
@daniel83 Find an equal partner. (Hopefully you have one) You might not have the same social life. But I ensure I’m getting out at least once a week with friends at minimum. My husband also does the same. Nights away are important. So just ensure you and your partner are on the same page - that you will be going out, and he will be staying home with the kid(s). There shouldn’t be any resentment over it. Just communicate and create that plans that work for each other to ensure you’re going out as much as you want. (And is sustainable within your boundaries with your partner.)
We also plan all our game nights after 7:30 when our kids are in bed. Friends need to come to us.
We also plan all our game nights after 7:30 when our kids are in bed. Friends need to come to us.
eutawangel
New member
@daniel83 Sincere kudos to you for giving this so much thought! When the time comes, I think you'll be a great parent.
Becoming a parent is pretty easy (and fun)! Being a parent means being a grown-up. You're responsible for another vulnerable human being, who, if you're human, you love beyond measure.
I think it's wise to wait until you think the best party is at home with your baby. Why? Because finding 4 uninterrupted hours to play DnD will be pretty-much impossible, especially if you and your partner want to play together. You can -- and should -- maintain a social life, but IMO, it's ideally with other parents of young ones or people who are unfazed by the chaos. There will be chaos. Lots of chaos. Good chaos.
The good news is the "love beyond measure" part. That's what gets you though the hard stuff. It's why new parents are so annoying to people who don't have kids. It's why people have more than one. It's really pretty incredible.
Most everyone becomes a parent at some point, and most do really well with it. I'm not trying to talk you into anything, but it sounds like you'll do just fine.
Becoming a parent is pretty easy (and fun)! Being a parent means being a grown-up. You're responsible for another vulnerable human being, who, if you're human, you love beyond measure.
I think it's wise to wait until you think the best party is at home with your baby. Why? Because finding 4 uninterrupted hours to play DnD will be pretty-much impossible, especially if you and your partner want to play together. You can -- and should -- maintain a social life, but IMO, it's ideally with other parents of young ones or people who are unfazed by the chaos. There will be chaos. Lots of chaos. Good chaos.
The good news is the "love beyond measure" part. That's what gets you though the hard stuff. It's why new parents are so annoying to people who don't have kids. It's why people have more than one. It's really pretty incredible.
Most everyone becomes a parent at some point, and most do really well with it. I'm not trying to talk you into anything, but it sounds like you'll do just fine.