I had to listen to my SiLs baby CIO over the holidays
- Thread starter kristyrh
- Start date
katrina2017
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@linnete A friend's wife told me that her 3 week old crying doesn't really bother her. It took all my self control to not look completely disgusted and shocked. I'm snuggling my 14 month old in bed (we still contact nap) and I cant imagine just not caring if he's upset especially when he was a newborn.
ashleynicoleyoung2016
New member
@katrina2017 Someone made a post I don't remember which sub saying that they dont mind their baby crying for hours like they don't care and they were like " am I the only one?" And people answered " no I'm the same way" huh?????
katrina2017
New member
@ashleynicoleyoung2016 I honestly don't even know how to process that.
@kristyrh We had to listen to my BIL and SIL sleep train their son while we were on holiday too. Made me feel sick. He screamed himself to sleep all week and apparently it took a few weeks more at home. First I couldn't understand why they chose our holiday to do this (in a strange place as we had hired a large house) - it's just unfathomably rude to me to inflict this on the whole family. Second I can't for the life of me understand how they saw it as a "success". He went from happily going to bed but waking up a few times for comfort, to sleeping through the night but only after fighting going to bed for hours. So they saved a few bum pats and middle of the night cuddles and lost their entire evening. But the goal of STTN is apparently all that matters.
They did the same with their daughter two years later and told my in-laws to leave her to cry herself to sleep at 7 months old. She wasn't bottle trained and it was the first time she was away from her mother overnight. We fought all day to get her to take some expressed milk but she was so overtired and upset (she hasn't napped since being left) that she couldn't physically do it. She was left hungry and screaming herself to sleep and me and my husband just wouldn't take it and intervened. I'll probably be judged for this but I nursed her myself (I have a similar aged child) just to get her to calm down enough to take a bottle. After she had finished it she was happily rocked to sleep. When my SIL came to pick her up 28 hours after leaving her she asked my in-laws how it went and they said she was no bother, absolutely no issues. We were aghast and told her how much her baby struggled to take the bottle and how much she struggled to sleep. My MIL said I was over exaggerating. That, ladies and gentlemen, is why we never leave our kids with any of our in-laws.
They did the same with their daughter two years later and told my in-laws to leave her to cry herself to sleep at 7 months old. She wasn't bottle trained and it was the first time she was away from her mother overnight. We fought all day to get her to take some expressed milk but she was so overtired and upset (she hasn't napped since being left) that she couldn't physically do it. She was left hungry and screaming herself to sleep and me and my husband just wouldn't take it and intervened. I'll probably be judged for this but I nursed her myself (I have a similar aged child) just to get her to calm down enough to take a bottle. After she had finished it she was happily rocked to sleep. When my SIL came to pick her up 28 hours after leaving her she asked my in-laws how it went and they said she was no bother, absolutely no issues. We were aghast and told her how much her baby struggled to take the bottle and how much she struggled to sleep. My MIL said I was over exaggerating. That, ladies and gentlemen, is why we never leave our kids with any of our in-laws.
katrina2017
New member
momof3teens
New member
@elimatt Ugh! Like why did they wait for a holiday with family around??? I'm like, yeah not going to hate on your parenting choices but it's a:
1) unfamiliar place/room, etc
2) extra stimuli from family members/new stuff/ etc.
3) schedule is all wonky from traveling
Why are you doing your sleep training at the worst possible time????
Oh but yeah, it's the light from under the door that's causing him not to sleep. Uh huh. /S
1) unfamiliar place/room, etc
2) extra stimuli from family members/new stuff/ etc.
3) schedule is all wonky from traveling
Why are you doing your sleep training at the worst possible time????
Oh but yeah, it's the light from under the door that's causing him not to sleep. Uh huh. /S
timbohemia
New member
@kristyrh Good lord, this was hard to even read, I felt my blood pressure rising with every freaking sentence. This is just so cruel. I can’t even imagine what other parenting decisions they are inflicting on this poor kid if this is how they operate.
If they were not receptive to anything anyone said then that would be the last time we spent an extended amount of time with them. I would seriously reevaluate my relationship with someone lacking that much compassion and common sense. Very glad everyone in our family and social circle are from a culture where CIO is unheard of, I don’t think I could stop myself from physically intervening and giving the baby comfort to try to stop the crying.
If they were not receptive to anything anyone said then that would be the last time we spent an extended amount of time with them. I would seriously reevaluate my relationship with someone lacking that much compassion and common sense. Very glad everyone in our family and social circle are from a culture where CIO is unheard of, I don’t think I could stop myself from physically intervening and giving the baby comfort to try to stop the crying.
@timbohemia Since you mention you are from a culture where CIO is not the norm I’m wondering if you could share what the expectations are around baby sleep? As an American I am often asked how my baby is sleeping and it’s always poorly- ie normally with frequent waking, preference for parental closeness, feeding throughout the night. it’s just so normalized here that my own mother often tells me we’re ’spoiling her’ for going in when she cries, comforting her until she falls asleep. My dad will tell me they had to give me the ‘tough love’ to finally get me to sleep and that my infant daughter needs to learn more independence. I’m glad to find spaces where normal compassion and dignity are offered to babies but it seems so removed from my everyday experience and I’m interested in what a more humane cultural background considers normal.
timbohemia
New member
@nectarius That’s rough! I’m so sorry, and actually I come from a similar background, I’m American too, but my husband is from a tiny country in South Asia. My entire family is very toxic and abusive so we do not speak to them, and we mostly hang out with people from my husband’s country or nearby countries. After becoming parents it became harder to relate to people who seemed to find their kids to be an inconvenience in their lives instead of the center of it. which it’s their business if they want to do that, but people were so vocal against the way we wanted to do things. As a product of neglect, I knew I wanted to parent in an attachment parenting style. My husband was a breath of fresh air because “attachment parenting” is just parenting where he comes from. There are so many things contributing to this being the case, so I’ll list some reasons, but I’m sure there’s tons more. There they have more of a collective mindset, not a strong emphasis on independence, especially at a young age. Mothers are revered and respected deeply culturally. Women are not expected to go back to work for like a year after giving birth, if ever. Breastfeeding rates are over 90% with pumps being a very foreign concept, hence attachment being the norm if baby is on the boob constantly. There is a much more realistic expectation of baby sleep. We hung out with friends last night and everyone was talking about how some of their kids were good sleepers , others woke up constantly and how it just is what it is. Sleep training would never even be a thought, they would balk at the idea, yet with most Americans it would come up within minutes of conversation. Also mind blowing last night was when a group of like 5 men were talking about their wives breastfeeding in an educated, matter of fact, and reverent way. The men and women in my family treated me like a perverted freak for breastfeeding my kid. In my experience most American men are so uncomfortable with the topic. I was the first one to breastfeed for like 3 generations. When I told this to our friends last night the look of shock on their faces was priceless. I don’t mean to make it sound like his country is so superior, trust me they have massive issues like any country , but with parenting they get a lot right in my opinion.
Not to ramble, but I’m sorry this has been your experience. Remember you are the norm in a lot of the world. Here in the US are just so many factors that make parenting get a bit warped, such as the emphasis on independence at a young age, the “kids should be seen and not heard” mentality of older generations, parents going back to work nearly immediately, and mothers and women in general just not getting respect.
Not to ramble, but I’m sorry this has been your experience. Remember you are the norm in a lot of the world. Here in the US are just so many factors that make parenting get a bit warped, such as the emphasis on independence at a young age, the “kids should be seen and not heard” mentality of older generations, parents going back to work nearly immediately, and mothers and women in general just not getting respect.
@timbohemia I’m glad you found the right person and community to raise your kids with! I’m trying to do the best I can despite the judgement and lack of support I’m getting from my family
albinoguitman
New member
@timbohemia I don't want to force you to give too many details but if you don't mind I'd love to know what country this is? You can dm me if you'd rather it be private. I'm just sick of US standards to be honest and thinking about leaving lol.
paigerific87
New member
@acatholic My MIL went on and on about how amazing sleep training was for my nephew because he learned to self soothe. Similar story, we went on vacation with my in laws and they also just let him scream every night for an hour. Guess who was sitting outside to avoid listening to him scream because it was upsetting her? My MIL. She hasn’t brought up sleep training with me since.
momof3teens
New member
jonathan787
New member
@kristyrh Oh yeah no. These people just actually don’t know how to parent. No way in hell would a 20mo be ready for bed 3.5h after a 4h nap lol. That’s next level. And in an unfamiliar environment. Poor thing.
I never did CIO and wouldn’t, but I can understand why some parents in some circumstances need to sleep train. I’m not hating on that. But this is not how it’s done anyway.
My LO is 2.5y now. She was a terrible sleeper and we bedshared for ages out of necessity, until she was about 1.5 and I wanted to be back in my own room lol. Whole process took about 6 months to go from primarily bedsharing with multiple wake ups to independently STTN. No cio. 2 years all up felt like a lifetime but I’m 26w with baby #2 and I’ll do it all again and not stress because I’m proud of how I parented and feel good about it.
I never did CIO and wouldn’t, but I can understand why some parents in some circumstances need to sleep train. I’m not hating on that. But this is not how it’s done anyway.
My LO is 2.5y now. She was a terrible sleeper and we bedshared for ages out of necessity, until she was about 1.5 and I wanted to be back in my own room lol. Whole process took about 6 months to go from primarily bedsharing with multiple wake ups to independently STTN. No cio. 2 years all up felt like a lifetime but I’m 26w with baby #2 and I’ll do it all again and not stress because I’m proud of how I parented and feel good about it.
@jonathan787 What was your process to get her sleeping on her own? I bed share with my 1.5 yr old son for sleep and naps. I would like to stop the naps sometime soon (I keep saying this but I love cuddling and resting with him lol) and start putting him down without me to start the night. If I could get to that I would be pretty happy so just wondering what you did!
@kristyrh That’s just awful. There’s a difference between walking away because your child always fusses for a minute or two when laid down and leaving your child to scream for hours. My daughter won’t fall asleep if I’m in the room with her. She’ll talk to me and literally run circles around in her crib and try to climb out. Plus, she won’t let me hold her anymore. I have to leave the room or I’ll be in there for hours. She cries for a maximum of one minute and then plops down and happily goes to sleep. I can’t imagine leaving her for two hours and refusing help from others.
secondstoryempires
New member
@esdras Yeah, we have been working on settling right from about 9 weeks because we have gotten to know our baby so well and can tell his sleepy cues, the difference between a grizzle or a cry. We just worked with wake windows and a flexible schedule and tried each nap drowsy but awake in the bassinet first (but moved to rocking him/contact nap if it didn’t work), we did heaps of trial and error and it’s ever evolving. We are ok with some fussing and I count backwards from 60 to see if he falls asleep before trying bum pats (9/10 he falls asleep). We would never dream of ignoring a cry, I literally can’t stand to hear him cry. He’s 3.5 months and settles himself to sleep for all day naps. He needs to be rocked and transferred for bedtime but we love that time and his bed routine. Soon I’ll start trialling putting him down awake at bedtime just to see if he can now and I do think he’ll get it himself as he gets a bit bigger but there’s no rush. If it doesn’t work I’ll settle him and try again in a few weeks. Thing that bothers me so much about CIO is it scares parents into avoiding any form of supporting your child to learn to fall asleep when there’s things you really can do that work (they take way longer to implement but they work) and get everybody sleeping a bit better. My son hated cosleeping with a passion the 4 times we tried it as exhausted newborn parents, so finding ways to support him in the bassi was important to us.