I found r/singleparents

[jasonrporter0316]

On whim I decided to look.

It's been months since he decided we weren't worth it. Not that he doesn't love our son, he just doesn't love me.

I was wrong for wanting him to be responsible.

The thing is he lives about 9 hours away. Our son is 7 months old. He is about to start child support payments and I offered to fly up to see him.

While I have every intention of following through, I have serious doubts. Is this what it's going to be like? I haven't given up and I am deathly afraid that this will be my downfall. I guess I'm still in denial.

Finding this sub, has been pretty awesome. I have kind of isolated myself from a lot of things and I feel like I've kind of found some hope.

It's not the end of the world, but it sure feels like it.

 

[inspiredwalk]

@jasonrporter0316 Just remember your priorities: Your son, you and family. His father may or may not be included with family, so try your best to fill the gap with family, male role models and friends. It gets easier as long as you don't go backwards, if that makes sense. Stress from an ex isn't going to help you moving forward, but there are others out there and, despite this being reddit, the stigma of a single mom is not as bad as all that. I spent the first 2 years with a cheating, lying, irresponsible person in a mentally/emotionally abusive relationship because otherwise he had no interest in his daughter. I had severe postpartum depression, hurt myself, almost quit on my career and absolutely no self worth. Eventually that situation spilled onto our daughter. I couldn't tell him that arguing in front of her was awful; he'd just get in her face and yell that she had no comprehension. About that time was when I realized the idea of a father was something in my head, and the one that my daughter has will not be able to be a role model for her, or will likely even be involved at all. Even with that, he made leaving devastatingly difficult which ended in a break in, dozens of threatening texts about not wanting involvement, that I was trash and a restraining order against him.

But it will get easier, especially once your lil dude hits 2+. Right now the best advice I can offer is sleep and eat well, get family to help alleviate the caregiving and if your ex wants to be involved - take turns traveling. Don't lose yourself while being in newborn mode. Take time for yourself or you'll be too worn to give your dude the nurturing he needs.

Some days are going to be terribly lonesome and hard. Some will feel like you're a goddamn super hero. It feels like it's devastating right now, but many many people (even from your own family) have gone through it. Look at people with teenaged kids, you'll be surprised how many came from single parent homes without the other involved. Which, for me, made it immensely reassuring that it's not impossible and in some ways it's a better route to go. You'll make it work and there's help to keep you sane.

Edit: don't forget to open communication with your son's paternal family as well. And to include them on updates like they're your family too, because they technically are if they want to be. They may not feel the same as he does about involvement, and it's something your son can get some of that family love to fill in the gap of a manchild. Which helps if your family is a bit of a drive away.

 

[jasonrporter0316]

@inspiredwalk I do try to stay pretty involved with his family. His parents constantly ask about their grandson and have even sent money to help out as well as visit on their own.
They have always been there for us.
However, he sees this as me pitting his family against him.

 

[lill]

@jasonrporter0316

he just doesn't love me.

and

I guess I'm still in denial.

and

I offered to fly up to see him.

paint a pretty clear picture to me. Are you trying to fly to see him to try to get a better idea what he wants?

Since you have the kid, shouldn't he be flying to see you instead? I mean, if he wanted to see you...

 

[jasonrporter0316]

@lill I know he no longer wants to be involved with me. That's pretty clear. I on the other hand, keeping thinking that maybe if I give it time... or if he sees his son... miracles will happen.

He can't visit us, because of certain legal issues, he is not allowed to travel. This is why I offered, because I don't believe it's fair to him to not see his son.

 

[lawforchrist]

@jasonrporter0316 Stop with the magical thinking, nothing works that way. Make yourself a better person and a better mother. Make your life great, forget about your ex. And if he has legal issues, then you are way better off not having him around.

 

[jasonrporter0316]

@lawforchrist I know. :/ Working on it.

 

[lill]

@jasonrporter0316 Wow, that's sort of heartbreaking.

If he's paying support and wants to see the child and you can afford the flight, I could see you wanting to share some of the child's time with him. Its fair because he is trying, although thats well out of your way and definitely outside of your obligation to him.

On the other hand, I would suggest that maybe it's time to let go of the hope for the relationship. Could you really take him back after leaving you at such a vulnerable time?

 

[texaselaine]

@jasonrporter0316 It's really difficult being a single parent, but it has the greatest rewards.

My ex lives about 5 hours away. I don't travel to see him since our son isn't one for travelling. He tries to visit once a month, Skype maybe once a month.

If you feel alone or overwhelmed, let us know! We've been, and are all going through it. Please ask questions and ask for advice. We all need support, and thankfully this subreddit has it

 

[jasonrporter0316]

@texaselaine Thank you!!