I don’t think I can have a second without my village

[hteezy]

In my soul I want a second child so badly. My son is almost 2, and the terrible twos are definitely tough but I know they won’t last.

But in my mind I just can’t seem to logically justify having a second without family support. My parents live in another state, 3 hour plane ride away. Right now it’s just us. Just myself, my husband, my son and our nanny (husband and I both work full time) just making it work. Just white knuckling through. My mother came to visit us this past weekend and she was so helpful l. Sure we bicker sometimes but she is great with my son and very hands on. And it made me realize I don’t think I could have a second right now unless my parents moved to live nearby us. There is just no way, I could stay afloat. And that makes me sad.

 

[christinak]

@hteezy Man these posts make me so sad. I feel the same about having a third.
Are there any moms of small children out there that aren't just scraping by? I've been wondering about this a lot lately.

 

[annalisa]

@hteezy same. I also don’t have my village cause I live abroad. I kinda want a second now that my son is 18 months old, but yeah it will be SO hard. I made an acquaintance here, she has 2 kids with 28 month age gap and she said it’s very very hard especially the first year of the second child’s life. She also doesn’t have a village and when she was pregnant on second trimester her first got enrolled in day care. So right now her kids are almost 4 years old and 18 months old. She says it’s easier but she rarely has me time.

 

[patjrooney]

@hteezy It is really hard. I will say, though, that perhaps you could just plan on a 4-5 year age gap. The hardest part of having a second for my family has been that the oldest was 2.5 when our baby arrived this year. It meant that I was parenting a super energetic toddler while pregnant, tired, and uncomfortable, and we were dealing with a LOT of big feelings once baby arrived. Older sibling is still too young to do most things himself, and needs constant interaction, so it has been much more work for my partner to basically parent the older full time while I take care of the baby full time. I imagine in roughly 2 years my older child will be self sufficient for longer stretches - I can set him up with an activity and then go put the baby down. My parents have helped a little but it’s mostly been to take care of the baby so I can spend time with my older child. If we had started bottle feeding from the get-go, then I think my husband would have been able to help more with the baby so we wouldn’t have needed that support from my parents. We are about 3.5 months in and feel like we have a great groove and don’t really need help besides daycare- I really think it’s doable. I do outsource as much as possible, so we get easy dinner items or order takeout, have a cleaner come once a month, and take my oldest to activities out of the house.

 

[jakbo3333]

@hteezy Our youngest just turned 1yo; the other is 3y9m. We also have no family for >1k miles and were hardly able to fly out someone to watch the toddler while I gave birth (MIL was scheduled to come but had a sudden hip injury; my mom is over 70 and was not able to lift my 2yo). Yes, pregnancy and the first year were tough, but what stood out for me was that the toddler was always the challenge. Pregnancy was uncomfortable but would not have fazed me at all if not for potty training and lifting a tantruming toddler (and I managed in the end even with that). When the baby arrived, I found I’d really learned to execute on advice like “don’t do anything while the baby sleeps that you couldn’t do while they’re awake”: I could load the dishwasher or move laundry with baby breastfeeding in cradle hold. Dealing with behavioral outbursts from the toddler was the huge pain, and I would’ve had to do that with or without the baby. Now the younger one is becoming more mobile, but the older one is calming down.

We have only daycare and it seems we are finding backup care for at least one kid at least 10% of workdays. We subscribed to a service where we can book sitters through an app based on their availability, and that has mostly done the trick. This works out for us (professor, manager in tech industry) esp. since we can take almost all meetings remotely. But I don’t know what logistical problems you’re up against.

 

[katrina2017]

@hteezy This was a huge factor of us. We had a huge village to help with my first and then moved out east last year. My parents just moved 15 min away now and my in-laws are also looking - it’s the only reason I was ok with a second!

 

[dvidxpsyko]

@hteezy We’ve moved interstate to be closer to family because we wanted a village for our daughter. It’s only now can we even consider a second. If we had remained interstate, we would definitely be one and done. It was difficult but we both found jobs (better paying too) and are currently house hunting. Seeing our daughter bond with our family and the extra help has been worth the upheaval.