I don’t think I can cope with a 3rd, and I’m heart broken even though it is the right decision.

[mairie]

I have always wanted 3 kids, and I still do.

I have my 2 beautiful boys, 1.5 and 3.

Parenting has tested me in ways that I didn’t anticipate. I’m still reeling at the trauma I’ve had to work through in therapy, how much I’ve had to unlearn and relearn and unpack. The relationships I’ve had to navigate. Even through all this, I still am not the parent I fully want to be.

I am working on it. But I’ve found this incredibly hard. I’ve lost myself along the way and am just starting to find myself in motherhood.

I know that as much as my heart longs for another child, I should not have a third. I know it would push my limits and take away from how I parent my boys.

I’m sad about it. My future dinner table does have 3 kids and all their families. I do think I will regret this when I’m older, and think I should have just gone for it.

But the truth is, I have to survive these years. I still have to raise my children to get to that dinner table. My husband works an awful lot and I spend 6 days a week solo parenting. Our families live abroad.

There will be school, daycare etc, but to me that doesn’t change that I am responsible for 3 littles, for their mornings and all nights, for their days off, for their everything. That is just a ‘break’.

To me, just having my 2 is the safe option. No dice rolling involved. I know that it will get ‘easier’ if I wait for a bigger age gap, but I will still be thrown back into the postpartum stage, which has always been incredibly tough for me.

I wish I could do it. I truly do. I recognise I’m fortunate to be able to have these thoughts. At the same time, I’m grieving the family I thought I’d have. Grieving the mom I thought I’d be.

It’s just hard.

 

[greyowl]

@mairie I have these thoughts except for going from 1 to 2.

“But the truth is, I have to survive these years. I still have to raise my children to get to that dinner table.”

This is the thought that sets me straight. Raising happy, healthy, well-adjusted children that will CHOOSE to be at your dinner table in 20 or 30 years is very hard work. It cannot be half-assed. Your mental health and level of joy while raising your children is important and leaves an impression on them.

 

[maomorethanever]

@greyowl This is literally the thought that crosses my mind when I want a third buut literally know that I can’t. “I have to survive these years…to get to that dinner table”. My husband really really wants 3 but i hate the day to day of parenting if I’m being honest with myself and don’t want to give up my life (my hobbies and passions and my traveling) and it makes me feel like with three, I would have to give up some stuff.

 

[clare5890]

@mairie I feel this exact way except I have 1 and wanted 2. Just to say I get it and I feel you, grieving the life you thought you’d have is difficult, especially when it’s a choice you’re making.

 

[brightone]

@mairie I really empathises with everything you’ve said. Mine are now 4 and 2 and I’ve recently been hit with a huge feeling of someone being missing. I’ve actually sobbed (feeling ridiculous doing so) about this future 3rd child but I can’t bring myself at the moment to go through the newborn and baby stage again. It shattered me doing it twice and like you said will probably regret not going for it. I hope you find peace with whatever decision you make x

 

[silentguy]

@mairie I can fully relate, and it’s a decision that tortures me daily! I try to remind myself to look at the good in front of me, instead of the hypothetical good at the dinner table in 30 years. Nothing in this life is guaranteed, I definitely want to appreciate and make the most of every year between now and then.
I also worry about regret down the line, but I think I will be able to stand by whatever decision I have made knowing I considered it carefully and kept everyone’s best interests at heart.

 

[christinak]

@mairie Who knows how you will feel in 2 years. Accept where you are right now, and take things day by day! I was you a year ago, and am starting to feel like maybe it could be possible...but we might still wait another year to give us more time to enjoy our two now!

 

[confiteor]

@christinak I think this is soo important. At 1.5 and 3 kiddos need so much hands on. At 3.5 and, it will be a whole different situation.

 

[alonso_castillo]

@mairie Hey. I just wanted to pop on here and say you’re a REALLY good mom. When it comes to anything (especially our kids) it’s hard to choose our head over our heart but in this case your boys are lucky to have you. You have clearly done a ton of reflecting and know what you can handle. Be proud of yourself - for what it’s worth this random internet stranger is.

 

[emekrus]

@mairie My two boys are the same ages!! I also have always wanted 3 and I’m now firmly on the fence, leaning towards stopping at 2. We decided to wait until the youngest is 3 before making a decision. The 21 month age gap killed us and the second baby was a massive Velcro baby (still is!). So we need some space and time to really think about it and see how we feel after a few years.

When I think about not having another, I feel both sad and relieved. Like sad because I truly would love to have three adult children. But relieved that I would be done with the baby & young toddler stage which is just so hard.

 

[pjwizz]

@mairie Why can’t you wait so it will be easier for you? Larger age gap.

 

[congestus100]

@mairie Could have written this myself. These early years, while so tender and sweet, have also been some of the hardest of my life and broken me down in ways I never expected, ultimately for the better but still incredibly hard. I struggle with feelings of inadequacy and like you want to do right by the 2 children I am so fortunate to have already, even if it means acknowledging that my capacity is less than I thought it would be. Have never felt so conflicted over a choice in my life. Wishing you peace and confidence in your decision. Your sons are very lucky to have such an intentional and self aware parent.

 

[tootsietam]

@mairie I was feeling like this, and I felt like someone was missing. My boys are almost 4 and 2, and things have gotten easier. I felt like someone was missing at the dinner table. Now I’m almost 20 weeks pregnant with #3, and honestly I’m having some regret. I think once I had my last ultrasound, reality set in. I’m scared shitless suddenly remembering the sleepless nights and how difficult it was. I feel like 2 kids was my number, and although i deliberated for over a year as to whether I should have three, I’m worried I made the wrong decision.