I don’t know what to do

[perdip]

Hey dads,
I am currently in a very tricky situation. We have 3 children (0,2,4) and live in a 71 squarem flat. My mother lives in a 200squarem house in a small village with a huge garden about 40 km away from where we live. She is a narcissist and I have C-PTBS because of my childhood with her and my father. I broke contact with her (and later with my dad) when I was 17 and didn’t have any until last year. Contact was very shallow she has little interest to be a grandmother, but supports us financially(to complain how much of a burden her child is) Now with the birth of our 3rd child( all premature 31+) she kind of pushed us into moving into that house. She moved out we could potentially move in with her being the landlord(obv)
She wants to take care of the garden so she would be around a bit.

When we were there my son ripped an pre 80’s manual of a cheap toy she left in the attic. He immediately apologised. She told him that she will forever be sad because of him and I could see how hurt he was.

Am I overreacting or is this red flag enough to not move there? Our place is so overwhelming and this would be so much space. I am very torn and it’s emotionally draining.

Thanks in advance

 

[amandasaved]

@perdip You'll have to talk about her behavior eventually, so now is the better time. Maybe you can ask her about that incident, as a test case. "When you said you'll forever be sad..." Then see if she's amenable to approaching it a different way. Or maybe the agreement is to only let her discuss her objections to their behavior with you. Harsh boundaries are necessary, as you know. Narcissists can be very destructive when they're a "trusted" member of the family, especially in the early teen years. In later years, they care more about what their friends say than family and can also better defend themselves emotionally. Luckily it sounds like she has at least some altruism in her.

 

[perdip]

@amandasaved She has 0 self refection. She is always the victim. When I was at therapy I invited her to a session to tell her how I feel. She snapped and to this day tells everybody that I brought her in to shame her etc. She has the whole family wrapped around her finger