I caught my 13 year old boy calling a little girl a “b***h”

@georgiana When I was like 11-13 I started cussing a lot and became more interested in counter cultures (thank you 90s Mtv) and overall just trying to be a bad ass

My dad always did a good job of talking things through from a neutral position as if I were an adult.

So I think for me, if it were my child (take with a grain of salt since my kids are 3 yrs old and 3 months old) I’d probably try to brainstorm some way to get him to internalize women’s struggles. Like a history museum that details how women used to not be able to work or vote. Or maybe have him volunteer for a month at a women’s shelter.

Id also remind him that you’re a woman and make him think about what he’d think if a man were texting you like that and then calling you names.

And I’d want to find out more. Like immediately my mind thinks he’s being some sort of sex pest and pissed off she’s not returning the interest in him. But maybe she’s a bully? Or she provoked it herself by being a huge asshole?
 
@georgiana Future “nice guy” is a big fear I have.

I don’t think getting angry is the correct response.

I ( a gay woman ) had various … anger issues when I was young. And it’s shameful to admit but had I been a guy my actions that were already bad would have been perceived even worse.

It took many years of people and girls calling me out for my bullshit before I went thru the therapy and medicine and self introspection to grow and learn.

So. Therapy. Don’t shame and yell (too much) sometimes it can stem from that. Try to lead with love while setting the boundary for what is and isn’t acceptable.

I wish I had advice. So hard.
 
@pastorprakash Agreed. Some of the responses saying not to punish him really made me feel uneasy inside. If this was to my daughter this is EXACTLY how I would want the boys mom to act. Thankful for moms like her
 
@lxlxlxlxlxl It starts at home and it takes a village, I applaud this mom and people like you. A lot of people on here saying he’s a teenager with intense feelings, but people forget there is a teenage girl on the receiving end of those ‘’intense’’ feelings.
 
@georgiana Did you happen to read the entire thread or talk about why he chose to use a word like that? There has to be a reason. Its certainly not an excuse but that will depend on how you move forward. Did he like her and she rejected him? Then it’s time to have a serious talk about consent and how women don’t owe him or anyone else anything.

Did she make fun of him and embarrass him? Then tell him he needs to stop communication with her and digitally “walk away” from his phone before he says something wrong.

Definitely continue to limit his digital access. I would also tell him he’s not going to be able to watch any “cool” teenager or adult shows if he can’t keep his language in check. Ask if he needs to be watching sesame street lol There’s a time and a place for those kind of words and harassing another peer is not it.
 
@georgiana You did a lot of things right.

What I would do now is sit down and have a serious conversation about his actions. Don’t ask him questions about why. The truth is- he either doesn’t really understand why, he doesn’t understand his consequences, or he won’t tell the truth. Instead I would focus on education.

“We are going to explore these topics as a family. And revisit our family values. I want to talk about YOUR values and we can discuss what actions align with those values and which don’t. This is something I want you to craft. I also want to talk about consent and harassment.”

Then I would do just that. Look up crafting family values on Google. And revisit every few months. Also there are tons of books you can show your kiddo. Or even shows with teens that talk about these exact issues. You could watch the show and have conversations following. I would remind kiddo that he doesn’t have control over someone’s actions, and that if he’s upset and angry there are healthy ways to communicate and harmful ways to communicate. And the way he chose to communicate is scary, harassing, and violates consent.

Also this podcast might be helpful: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/good-inside-with-dr-becky/id1561689671?i=1000567960059
 
@georgiana You've handled this like a boss so far, and you've gotten great advice here. I would just add that with my 12 year old who is heading into middle school, I have been pretty intentional about telling him things I have experienced as a woman and what other women I know have gone through. I noticed that as soon as he started learning about "women's month" and "women's history" etc. at school, his knee-jerk reaction was "where's the MEN's month?" He's not been exposed to incels or anything like that because he doesn't have that much internet access - but I think it was just his natural reaction as a guy who lacked any awareness of history or the reality of what life is like for women. So I tell him! I talk about what it was like for me when I was that age and some of the things that boys did that were inappropriate. He's horrified, because he can't imagine anyone doing/saying that to his MOM, but I hope it makes it more real for him.
 
@georgiana Just here to comment what a wonderful parent you are. I was a single mom for only 1.5 years and there is no job harder on earth. Reading your responses, wow. You are rock solid and your boys are very very lucky. All kids mess up. Yours will look back one day very thankful they had you to help them navigate and learn.
 
@georgiana Kids learn from other kids, maybe even more than from parents. Just because you never said the word or no one around the house did doesn’t mean they can’t learn it from another kid at school or just on the internet. The amount of toxic post on social media like tik tok and Instagram is just crazy. You really can shelter them in this day and age.
 
@katrina2017 Since I took his phone, I decided to browse through messages for this reason. I think I’ve pin pointed a couple of “friends” who also match this type of behavior. It will be part of our conversation this morning.
 
@ariesagro I wish I knew. I’m not sure if it’s something on TV, the way he thought was how someone “cool” would respond, etc. I’m going to try and address it in the morning, just the two of us.
 
@georgiana What music/tv/films does he like? So much music has horrific misogyny in, bitch/ho etc, completely normalised and casual. Girls will also call each other “bitch” in a mean girls/clueless type way (I feel 10000 years old that these are my reference points) so he may hear girls saying it to each other a lot and think he can say the same. Maybe girls don’t do that anymore but I doubt 13 year olds have progressed that far.

I think some education around violence against women/abuse would be really helpful. I’m wondering if there’s any age appropriate documentaries (most I’m thinking of are not appropriate) but where you can discuss the harm caused.
 
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