I can’t let my husband’s inabilities hinder us

[debus]

Of course I’m the SAHP but my husband is a business owner and works from home with a very flexible schedule. Of course he could go with us to our outings which are 1-3 hours every few days but he never comes. When I show him pictures, he gives a sad face and says I wish I could have been there.

As I’m writing this, I’m taking pictures but I won’t share them with him because he can go.

I do know he smokes weed on the garage when we’re not here. He seems to always have time for that.

Our baby is 14 months and I’m doing sleep training and.l bath time. I do our 1 hour bed time routine every night while my husband does what? Smoke. He don’t even tell his baby good night. At no point does he say I’m going to do the routine with you then go smoke. I don’t have an issue with him smoking. Just want to point that out.

I’m trying to potty train our baby. Today was the first day and baby successfully went earlier but this evening he was crying and didn’t want to be on the potty. My husband is like, can he just get up? Does he have to do that? I’m tired of hearing him cry. Please don’t be triggered. like, you knew you were saying something fucked up to me. I’m raising our baby and teaching to eat, and sleep on his own, and other activities and he just can’t be fucking bothered. I was out with the baby all morning and the baby was napping when we returned. He barely had to interact with our baby.

Baby and I went to the library this morning then grocery shopping. Baby needed to eat. I’m calling my husband to fix him something. He sounded so stupid saying he didn’t know what to fix him. No, you do, yo ass just lazy. I wanted to hang up so bad. Luckily there were leftover that he heated up.

We bring in the groceries. He cooks lunch. Does not put away the groceries. They are still sitting in the kitchen in the bags. Then later on he’ll ask if I need help with anything.

How do I address some of these concerns with him? Without sounding like I’m complaining. I’m the type to let it fester and explode. And I think I’m already past the place of just being able to calmly talk about it no unfortunately.

I can’t let him hinder us and not do things with and for my baby because he should be doing it too. He should be doing potty training since we have a boy.

 

[jebadoa]

@debus How come you want to sound like you're not complaining? You're right to complain. Complaining is not a bad thing. It's simply voicing your dissastisfaction.

The longer you let it fester without telling him, the longer you will feel dissatisfied. The more the resentment will build. Tell him how you feel. Ask him to step up and be an equal partner and an equal dad. His response will tell you everything you need to know.

Also, your child is too young to potty train.

 

[greenrock]

@jebadoa Lots of cultures potty train early, it’s called elimination communication. There’s a whole sub about it - r/ECers

 

[jebadoa]

@greenrock I have heard of elimination communication.

I’m from one of those cultures and my mom did it with me. I wouldn’t describe it as potty training early though. It’s just catching pees and poos.

 

[aleethia]

@jebadoa Totally agree with you. Yes it may be a form of potty training but it's the parents who are being trained not the baby lol

 

[debus]

@jebadoa He’s used the potty before. He can go when I put him on majority of the time.

Any time I voice my dissatisfaction with anything it comes across as a complaint and like I’m being ungrateful for what he’s doing.

 

[jebadoa]

@debus Well, what is he doing that you should be grateful for??? Doesn't seem like a whole lot to me.

 

[debus]

@jebadoa Pays the bills
Washes the clothes, I fold and put away
Let’s me sleep in sometimes
Keeps the baby 1x a week for solo time out of the house
Keeps baby while I cook
Sometimes does nap time
Cooks sometimes, like 1-2x a week

 

[jebadoa]

@debus That’s not bad! That’s a good start. But do you feel like it’s equal or enough? If you’re unhappy, you should tell him how you feel and the other things you want him to do like join you on family outings, bathtime, bedtime, interact with the baby, put away groceries, etc.

 

[pol1905]

@debus 14 months might be too young to potty train I got two boys I tried training the oldest at 18 month he had zero interest and fought me on it at 2.5 he potty trained in 2 week no accidents after.

As for your lazy asshole I mean husband. Anyway at home we do bed time together. My husband will read two books, I’ll read two book and than we do hugs and kisses and tuck ins. I do bath but he does the dishes. He takes the kids on weekends and I clean the house. He can’t cook so if I’m out he orders the meal. He also sucks at cleaning which is why he takes the kids so I can clean. I do the laundry but he hangs up all our shirts and sorts it all so all I have to do is fold my pants.

You got to give them chores like their little kids cause mine really can’t see when something is dirty or the trash needs to go out. His mom was a slob. So no one taught him the basics.

 

[debus]

@pol1905 Ooh. I Can try that. Dishing out chores. I’m sure I won’t get any push back if I say this is how it’s going. Down to them fucking dishes because I’m doing dishes at least 2-3x a day.

 

[pol1905]

@debus I hate dishes my husband was doing them before we even got married. You like my cooking you do the dishes or you eat somewhere else.

 

[debus]

@pol1905 I don’t even mind dishes. I would prefer he cooks actually. He’s a better and faster cook than I am, although the same things are always being cooked and I cook different things. But cooking and cleaning is a lot.

 

[pol1905]

@debus I like cooking that’s why husband does the dishes.

 

[tj00110]

@debus It's hard to give advice without knowing if your husband is doing this on purpose or is just unsure what to do. At some point I made it super clear to my husband what my expectations were and he could respond if he wanted something different. For me it was simple. If he was home he was expected to eat meals with us. We traded off bedtime and early waking (I did the night and he did the morning). Now he's a very involved dad and I don't feel like I need to micromanage him in the least. He just didn't know these things because it wasn't what his dad did when he was young.

As for housework, I have changed my cleaning schedule/system a few times. I started with having certain tasks to do on certain days. Anyone could step up and do those tasks when able. We also have split up our areas of responsibility.

Basically, have a direct communication. Know what you want from him and tell him that. Not in an emotional outburst, but like a business meeting. If either of you get emotional end the meeting and try again another time.

 

[bynom]

@tj00110

At some point I made it super clear to my husband what my expectations were and he could respond if he wanted something different.

This is what I did and I'm so grateful. When I was still pregnant I was clear that I expected to split nights 50/50 once I got my milk supply established. Then breastfeeding didn't work out so we rolled right into taking shifts - I did 9pm-2am while he slept, then he did 2am-7am while I slept. These days we just kinda switch nights for who's responsible if the baby wakes up.

 

[doninfaith]

@debus You have a right to be frustrated. I've been in similar situations. "Why can't you just do X? I've done everything else. I guess I'm going to do that too after everyone else is in bed."

I've been on the other side too. Not knowing how to help. Not knowing that help is needed or wanted.

I've been in situations where I've unwittingly discouraged the help I want by complaining about how it was done previously.

There's a ton about your situation that I don't know, so take the following with a grain of salt.

Men start off on the back foot when it comes to child raising. There's the whole impact of a culture that doesn't expect it of them in the same way it does of women, but there's more than that too. By the time you bring the baby home from the hospital, the mother is already days ahead in knowing how to take care of the baby.

If you add breastfeeding into the mix, then there's an actual physical bias for the mother to take responsibility for at least some of the work where there is none for the father.

I am pointing this out not to excuse fathers from their responsibilities, but to point out that overcoming this barrier takes effort and willingness.

It sounds like your husband may be more than a few days behind you here. There may be things that are obvious to you that need to be done that he just doesn't see. He hasn't kept up with you.

Yes, he should know to put the groceries away if they are sitting out and you're knee deep in potty training, but it's possible he doesn't. Same for the 100 invisible things you do that keep things going.

The first step may just be accepting the reality that even though it shouldn't be your responsibility to explain to him that he needs to step up and do more, nothing is going to change without you making it happen.

I'm not sure if I've been helpful. I just wanted to share my experience and this is where I ended up.

Good luck.

 

[rblibertarian]

@debus I am a self-employed stoner as well… weed is great for many thing but it does make u forgetful and lazy.

When the kid starts talking your husband will get gis head oit of his butt and start noticing!

 

[endalldisease]

@debus It sounds like you need better/clearer boundaries of what constitutes his work day. I’m the SAHP and my husband mostly works from home but when he works he is working - I’m not calling him to make lunch for a kid while I’m out, I have zero expectations of him making lunch, or putting away groceries I bring into the house during the work day. I would never assume he could step out for a full 1-3 hour outing during the work day even on a quiet day. He can sometimes step out to walk the dog, meet the school bus, or play in the backyard for 20 minutes, but that’s really it. It sounds like you expect him to regularly pop in and do things throughout the day which may not be realistic so expectations should be discussed and clear between you. If he is working during these moments throughout the day that you feel he’s being neglectful, that may just unfortunately part of the reality of working from home. A flexible schedule doesn’t necessarily mean there’s hours of free time during the day, those hours have to come from somewhere. If he’s sitting in the garage smoking all day while you’re running around or whatever, that’s a different story.

Truthfully your potty training moment was possibly just a fluke, I would not push potty training on a 14 month old especially to the point of tears and on top of sleep training.

If his weed smoking is his ‘unwind time’ or whatever you should absolutely get equal time to chill and do whatever once baby is down for the day, during nap time, etc.

 

[aleethia]

@debus This shit really makes me mad. My husband does similar things, except he smokes cigarettes. He'll sit outside and smoke for an hour if I let him. I hate it and it annoys the ever living shit out of me. I feel like an asshole because I know that's his decompression time but dude, come on I need someone to watch the baby so I can cook or poop or whatever. For reference we have a 12mo.

I've been so burnt out and exhausted the last few months. Like emotional breakdown level. I told him shit needs to change and he needs to step up or I'm gonna lose my shit. I had to lay it all out plain as day. These are now the things my husband has to do and I hold him to it. If he's not inside when it's time for him to do something, I go get him and tell him it's time and it's his turn. There's no free passes here lol. He now does bathtime every other night, stays with the baby so I can cook (every time), takes the baby on a walk at least once a day so I can have a decompression time too, puts our baby to sleep for the afternoon nap if he's not working, and most days I'll go to the spare room around 5am (we cosleep) and sleep until he has to go to work so he's in charge of mornings. He definitely has more initiative since I told him to step tf up and he does other things too but these are the big ones I had to clearly spell out for him. Also I don't go bail him out. If it's 6am and the baby is fussy, that's his problem to figure out. I turn on white noise and go back to sleep. If he's got a blowout, that's his thing to figure out. Now don't get me wrong we help each other out a lot... but during the day it's just me and the baby riding the struggle bus together. Dad needs to learn to ride it too so he can understand that being a SAHP is not all snacks, TV time and rainbows.

My next step if he didn't step up was to get the fair play cards to physically show him how much I'm doing compared to him, then use those cards to give him more responsibilities. I didn't end up ordering them but it's still in the back of my mind if he starts slipping up.