Hurt Feelings because of Preemie/Newborn Health Precautions (and some of my own hurt)

[bytor]

Some general background info: My LO was born at the end of July at 32 weeks, and is now 16 weeks (8 weeks adjusted). He came home mid-September after a 7 week NICU stay. I had a traumatic emergency c-section and have only been able to pump 3-6 oz a day since he was born (supplementing with formula), and have never really been able to breastfeed. My sister was pregnant at the same time, we had the same due date, but she made it to full term with my niece, and has been breastfeeding and an oversupply since her LO was born. My mom has driven to where my sister lives every week to help her, because she is in law school.

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As I’m sure all of the other parents in this group understand, it’s the middle of RSV season. Even if it wasn’t, my baby lacks many of the normal newborn antibodies from third trimester development, vaginal birth, and breast milk diet due to our difficult journey. Because I’ve been so concerned about my baby’s health, I’ve laid out some ground rules for our families to that haven’t gone over very well:

• I essentially never leave the house. My baby stays home with me. I can count on my hands the number of times I’ve left the house since he came home from the NICU 9 weeks ago. I’m about to have to start working again, but I work from home so I’m still trying to limit our germ exposure as much as humanly possible. My family thinks I should be getting out more, that I’m generally being overdramatic about his sensitivity to germs.
• My mom gently approached my aunt (her sister) to ask that she not smoke at mine or my sister’s houses, as I have an immune compromised preemie, and my sister has a newborn. My aunt blew up on our whole family, and hasn’t spoken to anyone in weeks. With Thanksgiving and Christmas coming up, we have no idea if she will be coming. I would guess not.
• My grandmother makes passive aggressive comments about not being able to hold the baby on a semi-regular basis. Which is kind of infuriating, because she has been allowed to hold him more than anyone else so far. She also lives with my aunt, and blames me for bringing up the smoking issue at all.
• My brother in law (17 y/o) was living with my husband and I (long backstory), and when our baby came home from the hospital, I asked that he temporarily stay with his mom while LO builds up his immune system. I explained why this was so important for our baby’s health, as he attends a large public high school and has extracurricular as well as a fast food job working with the public, but he basically left our house and hasn’t spoken to us since.
• Small addition, but if my dad ever comes over to my house, he actively makes no effort to wash his hands. And when I explicitly request that he do so, he is passive aggressive about it the entire time he’s at our house. Washes his hands every 2 minutes, makes comments about germs, etc.

I’m just frustrated. And I’m almost to the point where I just won’t spend the holidays with anyone. Which will break my mom’s heart, and leave me very lonely. And I’m sad that my family doesn’t understand mine and my husband’s concern for our baby’s health. Our journey has been so hard. And if my baby gets really sick, I just don’t know how I’ll survive another hospital stay with him so soon after coming home from the NICU. I make almost no milk, and I’m scared to go back to work, and I’m very tired. The only good thing in the world is my baby. He’s everything I have right now. I’m sorry this is long and rambling. I’m just feeling depleted and isolated and tired.

 

[momma701]

@bytor I say over and over and over and over to both sides of my family: it is ONE RSV SEASON.

If (whoever made the latest big stink to me or someone else) doesn’t care enough about me or LO to be a little extra careful to get my vulnerable baby through their first RSV season out in this world with underdeveloped lungs, well… I guess believe someone the first time they tell you who they are and what you mean to them.

This has by and large trained the whole family to stop complaining to me directly and got them all saying to each other, I guess it is just for one year. We can do (whatever) next year!

 

[bytor]

@momma701 Honestly, you’re so right. It isn’t forever. It’s for 2-3 more months. If that’s not acceptable, then they really don’t have to see me or my LO at all. It’s just frustrating so many people don’t understand.

Thank you for your insights

 

[chretien22]

@bytor “If you can’t correct your adult behavior to protect the most fragile amongst us (holding/smoking) then it was never really about the baby to begin with. You should ask yourself why you covet cigarette smoke above a brand new life.”

We have similar thing where a senior family member is pitching a fit about how we are skipping the holidays this year for our NICU babe to catch up and we said the same thing: “you should ask yourself why you are valuing your 72nd Christmas over the entire life of our brand new child, and get over yourself. Thanks.”

 

[leesajohnson]

@chretien22 This

 

[bytor]

@chretien22 Oh gosh, I’m sorry your family is being difficult as well Sounds like I’m not alone in regards to family members that just don’t get it.

Thank you for taking the time to reply!

 

[incenzo23]

@bytor Momma knows best in this case. My friend just tried to come visit me in the hospital and I turned her away. She was literally coughing on the phone and her son is sick at home. My NICU baby is already struggling enough. I’m not taking any chances

 

[bytor]

@incenzo23 Props to you. My boss wanted to visit me in the hospital (again, I had an emergency c-section at 32 weeks.. like??) and I had to turn her away. Some people are so odd.

Hoping you and your LO stay safe from any and all illnesses!

 

[sabresong]

@incenzo23 Wow, I didn’t even visit my baby when I was sick, let alone a person the baby doesn’t even know!

 

[thecodsterman]

@bytor That sucks. They're being really unreasonable.

For RSV, your baby should actually qualify for beyfortus. It's an antibody shot that offers some protection against RSV. I mean, your aunt still shouldn't smoke around babies (or small children. Or other people). And washing your hands before handling a baby is just really obvious? But seriously, you'd think protecting a baby would be the kind of thing adults could all come together on and agree is a really good and important thing to do.

 

[sabresong]

@bytor Some thoughts- my 21mo NICU grad has rsv right now for the second time and it’s awful. We spent the whole day yesterday in the pediatrician office and ER. The ER was packed with RSV cases. Worse day than most days we spent in the NICU.

If you are actually interested in seeing more people but reducing the rsv risk you could ask all of the older adults to get vaccinated and get the antibody shot for your LO (once you can find it). If you get tired of being at home, maybe being outdoors is an option.

As for your aunt- oh no, guess her problem solved itself if she thinks the silent treatment will do anything. Stand your ground. All of these other people can also get bent.

Also, totally relate on the milk thing. Low supply is no fun. It’s also a thing where it feels bad now but I promise you in a year it won’t feel like it mattered.

 

[1tonne]

@bytor I'm so sorry your family is being awful . You are right to set boundaries and it's their problem if they can't respect that.

 

[mocast83]

@bytor You have to do what is best for your baby. Let your family be as annoyed or upset as they need to be, it’s not worth the stress to make them happy and keep your baby safe .

 

[trancamhongkgv]

@bytor I had my 24 weeker in 2020, there’s some bridges we burned that I’m glad, the trash took itself out.

The pandemic truly made it so much worse, Preemie isolation has always been a thing but now it seems like the floor is in hell and people are still upset that they even have to think of how their “it’s just a little sniffle” could literally kill someone the claim to love. That’s not really love IMO

Don’t ever feel sorry for advocating for your child’s health and well-being, if you don’t do it no one else will do it for them.