@jambor That sounds like a respectful text to let you know as opposed to you finding out from your kid or elsewhere. It doesn’t sound spiteful or mean at all.
As for being together a year that sounds pretty reasonable to have a baby together to me.
Just congratulate them and focus on your life. Be nice, supportive, and it’ll pass. I’m sure it was somewhat awkward for them to reach out and let you know, but they did and that’s polite.
@jambor Hm, it's totally normal to feel emotions when an ex and coparent starts a family with a new person. There's a lot to work through there, naturally! But from your post, it is coming across like you're projecting your hurt into the way you interpret his text (which doesn't sound spiteful to me). It's also coming across like your thinking and perspective are being routed towards a comparative mindset which, to be honest, is unhealthy and crosses a line and won't help process your experience in a helpful way. To me, that is simply a cue to prioritize some self care. Talking through these layers with a therapist would probably be super supportive.
@jambor I truly think you are putting your feelings into this text. Our first child just might mean that there may be more to come.
My bestie is in a VERY similar situation but instead they have shared the information with the 3yr old and still have yet to inform mom. Now you know and can talk about family dynamics. It means the two of you can address any confusion the child has as they come up together.
I think this text is delivered without as much feeling as he could, and that's why it might feel cold. It's telling someone who has to know but also may not be thrilled at the news.
I think it's fair you feel this way. You don't get together with someone thinking you will separate. It's going to bring up emotions. All you can do is control how you respond. You need to focus on your child and remember none of this relationship with his new wife is to get back at you. He's just living. You need to do the same.
@jambor It sounds SUPER neutral to me, tbh. But I can see how the content of the message can be painful to you. The only thing I find weird would be if he called you “X” instead of your name. And I find it weird he didn’t mention his wife’s name but instead said “my wife”. “First child together” …well, I can’t think of a more accurate way to say that, especially if they both have kids already. It’s their first child together. Also, I think it’s not uncommon for subsequent relationships to be different in how quickly it leads to marriage… I could be wrong there. Maybe he knew you guys weren’t fully a match feel in his heart the whole time? Someone not feeling like you are a match can be hurtful but it’s not about us or them; it’s the fit.
It seems to me that you are projecting the hurt you feel by the situation into the text. Unless you're suggesting the reason he got married, and the reason he's having a child, is all just to spite you, there's nothing spiteful in what he's written.
@jambor It was a weird way to dangle it. Because child IS going to tell you. Ex should have just said "We just told the kid, wife and I are expecting a baby in MONTH YEAR. "
Being direct would be better than -We will tell you more later-m.. Because that is WEIRD. Now you brace for the next message because you are clearly reacting to this.
I think you should just try to go deal with your feelings privately/in therapy/with a friend. You cannot change your ex and this baby is "their first child together" because your child is your child with ex.
Edited to add, he didn't tell you he was married until now? Oh well. Be happy he is your ex. Because he doesn't care to keep you in the loop for your kid's life.
@jambor This message is nearly identical to the message my husband sent BM. We also told SS at the start of our week on then followed with that text to BM so she had time to process. There was no malice, no spite, just facts.
You’re not entitled to anything more from them at this point. This is their first child together, I can’t fathom why that fact is upsetting you.
You may coparent well but that doesn’t entitle you to a close friendship. Your coparenting has zero to do with their baby and they are setting that boundary early, as they have every right to do.
@jambor I don't know if you're reading into it as you know him better than any of us, but it's really a lose-lose situation for your ex either way. When my husband and I got pregnant, we decided not to inform his ex of it prior because we didn't want it to come across as spiteful and due to her narcissistic personality disorder. We considered giving her a heads up but felt like this was the best way to go about it. If you all had a good coparenting relationship prior to this, he may not have meant to hurt you purposely. Coming from experience, hopefully he probably figured you'd appreciate being told first so you didn't feel blindsided. We did it the way we did to protect ourselves and the children from her toxic behavior and projecting her feelings onto my bonus kids.
@jambor I wouldn’t like “our first child together” either. I would hope they wouldn’t speak like that in front of your kid. “I know this may be a surprise but X is going to be a big brother/sister” would be much better.
@cmdaniels1986 Thank you. I can understand why he’d say this but it feels wrong. Id hope he doesn’t too - I’d give grace and assume that he spoke to me as “an adult.”
@jambor I’d be hurt too. Only because they can’t even let you know the due date or month?
Unless they did and you’re keeping it vague?
Otherwise, that’s sort of vague and almost like what’s the point of simply telling me you’re expecting?
I’d also be hurt due to the timing. I’d want a heads up before you told my kids something life altering. It’s almost like he dropped a massive bomb and he’s just notifying you after the fact.
Don’t read too much into the marriage thing. I know it can be hurtful.
@jambor My 6 year old child told me the other month that he’s getting a sister at Easter while we were playing uno. I didn’t get a heads up from my co parent.
I’m sure I made a face but I made sure to be super excited for my kiddo bc siblings are a blessing.
@jambor I honestly think it was a nice move on their end to inform you. I found out my ex was having a baby when a teacher at their school mentioned the kids excitement about knowing gender in passing. Try to not take it personally, they’ve moved on with their lives.
