How to support a gifted child?

[aegisheart]

Our toddler (3.5) is likely gifted. We can't/don't want to get him assessed until he's 4 or 5, but our pediatrician, daycare staff, friends, and other doctors have commented about how advanced he is. This isn't something we bring up because (i) we don't want to label him this early and (ii) there's immediate toxicity, envy etc. involved.

Point is though, the boy is half way through first grade education and there's no hiding it. He's also hypersensitive to sound and light, and generally has very strong emotions, especially when he doesn't succeed at first try (no autism markers though so far as per doc and daycare). We're not sure how to best support him. Some things we've been mulling over:

1. Do we invest more time in challenging activities so that he can learn to learn and fail without excessive frustration? There are a few areas where he is on the lower end of normal development, so we've been working on that.
2. Do we support his interests more instead? I spoke with a psychiatrist who treats gifted adults on the spectrum/with ADHD/etc. and apparently (1) can make them feel like they're failing at life despite being very accomplished.
3. When do we send him to school? At 6, he'll be bored out of his brains in first grade. At 5, he'll be the smallest kid on the playground. Do we send him to 1st grade at 5 or 2nd grade at 6?
4. Fear of failure and perfectionism: we talk about it and read books about it, we point out and laugh about our mistakes, use good-enough measures for things. We've been at it for at over a year with barely any progress and we're out of ideas.
5. How to tell if the place we're getting him assessed at is legit? I'd like to know if there are markers that he's on the spectrum or whether this isn't ADHD. Our pediatrician is laissez-faire and said not to worry but here I am. There's nothing wrong with neurodivergence but we'd like to know and support him early.
6. His hypersensitivity, high energy, and high intensity are kicking our butts. Especially the former, so any recommendations for that we're grateful for (e.g. do we "protect" him from the sounds or send him to music class).
7. We sometimes forget he's 3 and treat him as if he's older, for better or worse. Do we continue or correct our behavior?
8. Is there any community we can turn to? Everything I've seen so far is toxic and full of "oh, well my kid could count to a zillion at 12 weeks!" which isn't what we want.

We don't care if he grows out of his giftedness, whether he becomes a neurosurgeon or a warehouse worker, as long as he's happy. We just don't want to fuck this up.

All comments are welcome but sources and reading recommendations are greatly appreciated. If you know of a scientist that researches this please drop his information, too.

Edit: I'm sorry for not replying right now. I have a newborn, too, and he's not giving me a moment's peace. I'm grateful for all the comments and feedback. My husband and I are reading the replies together.

Edit 2: Please refrain from diagnosing me. I do see a psychiatrist and don't have autism.

Edit 3: OK guys, I will step away from this post for a few hours as my brain is hurting by now. I am beyond grateful for all the replies, especially those with book and article recommendations. I have read all the comments and plan on returning again tonight but I need time to digest all this information

 

[carlpetrus]

@aegisheart I’m dying laughing here. As a “gifted kid” who got diagnosed with autism as an adult, you just listed some of the most common markers for autism then said “no markers for autism”. My daughter was the same way. Also, diagnosed as a teenager with autism. Get the assessments done. Gifted and advanced education are IEP options and in public school, you’ll need that to keep him engaged.

Edit: OPs responses tell me they aren’t looking for actual info, and are ableist. Also, I’d appreciate OP not messaging me again.

 

[gibletjoy]

@carlpetrus Same story over here. I wasn’t ever assessed because I appeared “high functioning”. Which basically means my ASD wasn’t a big enough problem for anyone else so I wasn’t diagnosed into adulthood. Get this kid assessed. It would’ve helped me so much to have extra support.

Also, OP, do not fall into the trap of letting your gifted child go unsupported. I was the de facto tutor for my struggling classmates, which meant I was placed in roles of incredible responsibility for others instead of being allowed to be a kid/have my own interests supported. Kids on both ends of the bell curve need tailored support. I would be looking at schools that can actually support and nurture a gifted child. At public school, I was being used as a teachers aid as early as grade 2. Don’t let that happen to your child. Kudos for looking into this early.

Edit: to your points - yes absolutely to #1 and #2. Support your child’s interests with challenging material. Get them assessed by a clinical psychologist who provides ASD/ADHD assessments. GP’s and pediatricians wont have the specialized skills that these psychologists do. You absolutely can treat your child somewhat maturely (ie. having considerate adult-like conversations, etc) but do not parentify them or forget to parent them just because they’re mature for their age.

 

[aegisheart]

@gibletjoy We're looking at screenings but unless the pediatrician prescribes one, you have to pay several hundred € out of pocket. They're not done before 4-5 either, unless there is something obviously wrong.

Since there is so much overlap between giftedness, autism, and ADHD, we'd like to find a place that is legit in distinguishing between them before we spend heaps of money. That's one of the reasons I asked in the OP how to determine whether an assessment is valid, stroking the parents' ego, or diagnosing autism/ADHD too eagerly.

We unfortunately can't afford to send him to private school. For public school, we're bound to our district until high school. There is one after-school program for gifted kids that I found but their website has been offline for months.

 

[gibletjoy]

@aegisheart To your first point — it is far more difficult to obtain an assessment in adulthood. In the large metropolitan city where I live, there are literally only two professionals who do adult diagnoses for autism. It is also usually more costly as an adult and you lose a lot of the benefits of a diagnosis if you delay to get one (ie. support in school, financial support from the government, depending of course on where you live). So I had to shoulder a lot of the burden myself as an adult when it would’ve been more straightforward and cheaper for my parents to have had me evaluated in childhood. You can tell someone is “legit” by their credentials. I was diagnosed by a licensed registered psychologist (not counsellor) with a PhD whose focus is on autism. I don’t think doctors or psychs diagnose disorders simply to stoke parents’ egos, as this would jeopardize their professional reputation. They should also offer an intake appointment where you can raise these concerns with them re: the similarities between giftedness, ASD and ADHD.

Re: private school. I don’t necessarily advocate for private education, but I’d ensure that he isn’t simply being run through the mill, so to speak. Make sure that he is being appropriately challenged and discuss your concerns with his teachers. Re-evaluate as you go along.

 

[tommytrant20]

@carlpetrus I actually thought for a second is this a troll because the list was textbook signs of ASD. I had to read it twice.

 

[carlpetrus]

@tommytrant20 I mean, ASD is genetic. It’s entirely possible that OP is taking questions and info about ASD more literally than it’s intended. The DSM is written to communicate to neurotypical providers. Many people don’t realize that when it says “has trouble” or “has difficulty” it means those issues exist when you do it without accommodating yourself. By adulthood, many of us don’t even realize that things like tapping fingers together or twirling hair or picking lip skin or sucking air between their teeth are the exact repeated behavior they are being asked about. I didn’t know until an assessor responded to me going “I don’t think so” with “you’re doing it right now”.

 

[aegisheart]

@carlpetrus Now I'm on the spectrum too? Damn, I'll let my psychiatrist know.

 

[jwmercer]

@aegisheart I didn't get an ADHD diagnosis until my son and then my mother did (in her late 60s). It should have been caught earlier, but it wasn't.

 

[aegisheart]

@jwmercer I've got a really good psychiatrist that I trust and have been seeing for years. I'd like to think he'd catch it, especially since he works with gifted individuals with autism and/or ADHD. That's one of the reasons I know to watch out for burnout, depression, and anxiety in our son.

 

[aegisheart]

@carlpetrus I'm glad our struggles are entertaining to you. I guess the repeated evaluations by our pediatrician and daycare staff are worthless in the face of anecdata. I'll let them know. For what it's worth, I do closely know two highly functional autistic children from their toddler ages and our son is a lot more social, if awkwardly so. If he gets the diagnosis from a professional, cool, but you're being incredibly disrespectful.

Edit: I see now that I'm being accused of abletism. Since bias is so hard to see in oneself, I'd appreciate honest feedback from my comments both before and after this exchange. I have a few people on the spectrum in my life and I'd hate to be insensitive. In either case though, I don't appreciate derision.

 

[katrina2017]

@aegisheart Former gifted kid & parent of a possibly gifted 5-year-old here. If he's meeting advanced academic standards easily, there is not really a benefit (IMO) of continuing to push him in that area. The farther ahead you get him in curriculum, the less he is going to fit in when he gets to school. That's not to say that you shouldn't push and challenge him, but I would very much recommend following his interests and letting him do some deep dives into what interests him, rather than continuing to push through older grade level standards. He will master the curriculum when it's time - there's not that much benefit of getting it done 4 years early.

Beyond foundational academics, people tend to forget that the biggest benefit of schooling is developing social and emotional skills. Sure he can read, do addition, or whatever, but does he know how to ask a friend to play? Does he know how to say "no" in a way that isn't hurtful to others? Does he know how to solve a problem when two people disagree? Does he know how to act when he thinks something is unfair? Does he know how to work through his feelings in a productive way? Does he know how to handle failure - losing a game, or how to keep trying when he can't figure something out right away? He is just 3 - I wouldn't expect any 3-year-old to know these things yet. But this is the big reason to NOT skip grades in school. It takes years to learn how to be a functional person in society. Every school I've worked at has put WAY more attention on social skills than I remember having in school... And that's a good thing for our kids!

 

[petrasophie]

@katrina2017 I’m with you. Also a former gifted kid with a likely gifted 5 y/o. OP, my kid was similar academically to what you’re describing—able to do all the “first grade things” before age 4.

We chose to start school at the normal time and did not pursue acceleration. My daughter is in kindergarten currently. No, she is not learning anything, academically speaking. For her, for now, all academics are review. But she is not bored at all! On the contrary, she loves going to school. She adores her sweet teacher and is obsessed with her friends. She makes art and sings and gardens and plays there. On the weekends, she can’t wait for Monday to arrive.

OP, based on the social and emotional difficulties you are describing, I think starting school early would be an absolutely terrible idea. Acceleration too, unless he improves drastically (and he could!). A child with these issues will have difficulty excelling in and enjoying school, not matter how smart they are. Not only that, but they also often lead to disruptions that make it much harder for the rest of the class to learn. Give him time to grow out of some of these challenges!

 

[katrina2017]

@petrasophie Good point, and same here. My 5 year old LOVES kindergarten, even though she already meets all the academic goals for the year.

 

[gizmorazaar]

@petrasophie The problem with acceleration is that they catch up. Let’s say you skip second grade. Third grade is now challenging - great! They’ve learned so much more than they would have in second. By the end of the year they’ve mastered all the third grade standards.

Now what? Put them in fourth, where they will be bored by resuming the standard pace? Or skip them to 5th for the extra challenge? Only this time not just the academic challenge, but the more serious challenge of being in middle school 2 years early, with none of their friends. Middle school, yikes.

It’s not a sustainable solution - at best it’s a temporary fix for one year. I’m pretty sure it did lasting damage to one socially awkward person I know.

 

[christianbella]

@petrasophie Another former gifted child with a gifted 3 year old chiming in: I agree with the previous posters. Just because kids are gifted academically doesn't mean they're gifted emotionally/socially so there's definitely benefits of them being in school with their peers age-wise. For preschool my daughter is doing forest school and we don't push her to learn anything academically that she isn't already interested in.

Don't worry so much about messing things up. The more anxious you are about the child's performance the more anxious they will be. Gifted child burnout is a real and terrible phenomenon, falling behind in adulthood because of years of anxiety and pressure to constantly perform better than everyone else.

 

[aegisheart]

@petrasophie We're definitely waiting until he's 4.5 to assess whether he's emotionally ready for school. He likes preschool and hated daycare (same building, partially same staff), because it was so loud and boring. Even still, he's never excited to go there and would rather stay with us. But he's learning to interact with other children, how to reach a compromise, (hopefully) how to be more assertive, and things we don't think to teach him. It's tough being a toddler.

 

[aegisheart]

@katrina2017 You bring up a lot of good points. We're very much letting him guide us, which is why I know a lot about fire extinguishers but am also trying to figure out how to explain division (ironically, something I struggled with in school). We also haven't followed any curriculum but a while ago I read up on what kids learn in first grade and realized how far along he was.

Social and emotional skills are definitely not in line with his peers, but my husband's was the same and now he's more social than I am. I've dropped the ball recently on teaching him "no", so thank you for reminding me. He tends to just let people take things from him and then cry.

He does not handle failure or threat of failure well. We play a lot of games and puzzles but boy is that a struggle if we happen to win (or come close to it). He's gotten a bit better but not where I'd like him to be. Or maybe I'm treating him like a 5 y/o again?

We try but I'd love to read a book or paper on how to practice these skills.

 

[whittney1234]

@aegisheart For the failure aspect, I can confirm it is developmentally appropriate to throw a tantrum for losing at 3 yo, and it certainly can be that way until 6-7 years old (with less intensity). Their brain is just not developed in a way for them to understand the reasons behind loosing, identifying emotions of anger, disappointment, resentment, etc, and last but not least, how to manage those feelings to display a socially acceptable response, both through external motivation (follow an adult advice on the way to act) and internal motivation (acting a certain way because of an understanding the impact of the judgement of others upon him).

At home we always warn before starting a game « now this is a game where I can lose, you can win, or you can lose and I can win. We can’t control the dice so it’s a surprise who is going to win. When we lose, we might feel angry or disappointed. It’s ok. The best way to do it is congratulate the other player and say « maybe I will win next time. Do you want to play again? ».
Now are you ready to play?

This little speach has been great for us and I certainly have seen improvements with my 4 yo.
The book raising the spirited child has been great for my highly sensitive boy, I recommend it.

 

[aegisheart]

@whittney1234 That's a good tip with talking about what might happen in advance. I've also explained to him I don't want to be made to lose, so if he wants to change the rules so much, he can play alone while I watch. This workaround has helped a bit when the competitiveness and associated meltdowns get too much for everybody and means we can still have fun.

It's reassuring to hear that tantrums at this stage are normal in this regard. From what I've seen at daycare and with other parents, our son looked like an outlier.