How to navigate cheating husband as a SAHP?

T

thetwister

New member
Do I not tell him I know or want to leave, and just get a college degree or a certificate, then leave?? That way, I get more time with the kids, and I don’t have to worry about working and school? Might be my only opportunity to swing school, not sure if I could on my own.

Secret bank account and secret part time job? (My mom is willing to watch the kids while I wfh- I have a job offer for 1,400 a month, and I can hide working). To save money for divorce (I know it’ll be split anyway, but that’s still more money in the end)..

Just leave him now, with no degree, no job history over 12$ an hour, no degree??

I mean if he used me and cheated emotionally and sexually for 3 years, do y’all think it’s fine to use him to pay the bills so I can go to college to get a job to support myself and the kids?
 
@thetwister Definitely don't let him know you know without a full plan in place. If you think you can live peacefully until you have a degree and maybe some savings, go for it!

Make sure you are saving every piece of evidence you can and document everything (including ways he's not a good caregiver if you're going for full custody).

I wouldn't work secretly after school. That may reflect poorly on you in future court issues. But I'm sure if you're acting well enough to get through school, you can act well enough to play off wanting to go to work part time "for your mental health/personal fulfillment"

But no, not unethical
 
@thetwister Talk with a lawyer. They can give you an idea of what your financial situation will be in each scenario. Also, depending on your state, he may need to support you and/or pay for school. You need to see a lawyer before you decide anything.
 
@thesandlapper Definitely start here. Any money you make won’t be secret once the divorce proceedings start, and will potentially just decrease what he owes you, as well as support determination based on your earning potential.

Please please please talk to a lawyer before you do anything.
 
@thesandlapper A lawyer is always a good idea but they usually require a retainer and any legal advice they give you is billable. Including email exchanges. OP needs to know this just in case and have money set aside so it doesn’t tip off her husband. If she wants to go this route.
 
@thetwister Is he abusive in other ways? Do you still sleep with him? Are you likely to catch something due to his cheating? What would happen if he found out you have been working secretly? How do you treat each on a day to day basis or in front of the children? Can you avail of legal aid? Would you have somewhere to go if you left now?

There is a lot to consider. If you're asking if it is ethical for you to stay until you are ready to leave safely and comfortably with your children, personally, I think it is fine. Waiting to finish a degree will take a while, though. It's a lot of time for resentment and hostility to grow.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. I hope you find peace and healing with your children.
 
@aeradom So true. How does one look past infidelity, what a punch to the face. When kids are young and there’s no job prospect, no choice but to stay and milk him. Ugh.
 
@thetwister Wouldn’t you rather live with your mom (if that’s an option) and go to school than with him? How old are the kids and how much do you want to reduce their contact with him?
 
@thetwister And he can get 50/50 so long as he’s a decent parent. Parent relationships and spousal relationships are not tied together. You can be good at one and not the other, and custody is about the best interests of the kids. If he’s cheating in the marriage openly enough for the kids to be aware of it, he’s not likely to be fit for 50/50, there’ll be other evidence. But so long as he’s keeping his privates life private from the kids and being a good parent, him cheating has absolutely no bearing on custody, nor should it.
 
@thetwister Do you think it was just a bluff? Sometimes people say things like that to hurt and scare. They want you to be afraid you are going to be giving up that time with them. Sometimes they want that time just so they can present themselves as a "good parent" for asking 50/50 at all. Sometimes they just want to pay less
 
@thetwister Don’t tell him anything.

Talk to a lawyer. Consultations can be free sometimes.

Secret bank account and part time job is only a feasible thing if you need it a secret for the short term. Because when it comes to the divorce, the money will need to be disclosed.
 
@thetwister I’d see a lawyer before deciding on anything. But I see absolutely nothing wrong with your plan outside of the immense risk you’re taking on by continuing to sleep with someone who is known to be getting around potentially unprotected. Personally, I think you could stand to get a little angrier about this. However, that’s just my own biased opinion as someone who has also been cheated on and got revenge.
 
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