How to involve FTD with pregnancy, L&D, and newborn?

[janet1971]

Hi all, I’m due in October FTM and I want to know the best ways that I can involve my partner in all the things to help him get into dadding as best as possible.

Some of my biggest concerns are I’ll assume he can read my mind and know what I need immediately, as well as I’ll try to take over everything and not give him space to learn and bond.

I currently let him feel kicks whenever I’m able to, which isn’t often because baby likes to hide as soon as I’m trying. I let him I also let him in on what I learn during pregnancy with my body, baby growth, product reviews, safety, etc.

What else can I do to prepare him for L&D and a newborn and help him feel more involved for bonding?

 

[jimbobby2021]

@janet1971 Put him in charge of setting up the baby area, getting all the baby gear and clothes. Mine also booked all the parenting and breastfeeding classes at the hospital and packed the hospital bag.

Try to remember that you are not any more skilled at this baby stuff than he is. Unlike society conditions you to believe, ‘mommy does not know best’ ( it’s just that you, as a woman, are conditioned to take responsibility so you do). Science shows that anyone can take care of a baby - regardless if you’ve ever been pregnant or what genitals you have, what it takes to be a good parent is love, care, thought and commitment. Remember that you are both starting from scratch.

You are both equally capably of doing your research, making a list and sourcing things. It’s not brain surgery, all it takes is some thought and commitment.

Also have a conversation about how much time he’ll take off when the baby comes. If you can swing it financially, the more the better. My partner took 4 months so we could genuinely do it together at the start. Not only was it a very special experience as a family, but it meant that neither of us got too exhausted or frustrated from baby care, I had an opportunity to recover and we both had an opportunity to connect with baby and become equally capably parents ( and either can take of baby 100% on their own for long periods of time).

Not only that, but have a conversation about how you’ll split childcare and housework 50/50 when the baby comes. Note SAHP is 40 hours a week, just like an office job. Both deserve breaks and downtime. Also, you both had the child, so outside of work hours ( SAHP or office), the split is to be 50/50 so eg 2-3 mornings, evenings, nights and alternating day on weekends you’d be off childcare and he is on.

If you really want an equal split in childcare from the start and both parents to be engaged, aware, present and not over-exhausted ( because one is on childcare 24/7 and the other just ‘helps’ out) my advice would be to start bottle feeding ( formula, breastmilk or mix) from day 1. bottle feeding means anyone can soothe, put baby to sleep, feed, etc for long periods of time and has been an equaliser in terms of sharing childcare load for most of the the parenting couples we know that bottlefed.

 

[gaconvn]

@janet1971 Have him read about the fourth trimester so he understands what to expect during the initial days when baby arrives.

Once baby is here, skin-to-skin can be a great way for baby and dad to bond (e.g. taking showers or baths together).

 

[shyone64]

@janet1971 1) FTD's can feel really disconnected to the baby, so if you want, incorporating "tummy time" for him might be good! I had my husband sit beside me and talk to my belly, and I feel like it helped her recognize the sound of his voice outside of the womb. Even if it doesn't, what truly matters is him feeling that way and establishing that bond, which benefits them both emotionally.

2) Fathers can sometimes feel insecure about having skin-to-skin, but encourage it! It's super beneficial to both of them.

3) Have him participate in baby activities. One of my biggest regrets is not getting to look for toys, necessities, and baby clothes with my husband.

4) Parenting and birthing classes might help you both prepare and make the future feel more tangible, if that makes sense. It brings it into reality and might get you in a more comfortable place when the baby comes.

I hope some of my suggestions were able to help! Congratulations to you and your partner!!

 

[evanlooksuptothealmighty]

@janet1971 My husband and I set realistic expectations for each other. He has a real hard time with blood, needles, etc. so we decided it was best if he stay “topside” so to speak I had my mom there too and she watched me give birth. We discussed who would go with me (if someone was able) if I needed a C section, if he was comfortable cutting the cord (he did!) etc.

We also discussed that he would go with baby if they needed to take him anywhere for any medical reasons, and that the second that baby is out of me he is his first priority.

I also had in my mind to be patient with him. I was already pretty experienced with babies (though it’s wayyyy different when it’s your own, ofc) and he had never even held a baby before even though he was in his 30s lol.

We took some birthing and parenting classes before baby was born, but tbh I could tell he wasn’t that into everything until our son was born despite trying to fake it for me lol.

All in all, my husband has surprised me in the most amazing ways, and has become a better father than I could have ever dreamed of him being. It was a bit difficult at first because he didn’t really know how to hold him, was super scared to hurt him, etc. but I stepped back when I could and tried my best not to steamroll him and take over.

My husband is very adamant that parenting is 50/50 (when possible). I think this is a hugely important mindset, because in those sleep deprived days I can’t imagine not having a partner that’s willing to wake up with me while I breastfeed so he can burp him, change him, or take over night feeds when I finally felt comfortable giving LO a bottle.

Anywho, I think I’ve written a long enough novel by now haha but try not to overthink it or over prepare because it’s highly likely that this exhausting, difficult, wonderful, beautiful thing called parenting will take you by surprise in the best (and at times worst) of ways no matter how much you think you are prepared.

Congratulations, and good luck!