How much does your partner help with child rearing?

[ldingle]

@beleadnotastray I have a 4 year old and 1 year old. I am the SAHP so I do the mental load and drive the train, basically. I tell him when things change (schedule, feeding, hazards, whatever) and he immediately absorbs it so that he is able to competently care for the girls. He is fully capable of caring for both of them completely on his own at any given time, as he should be as their parent. This is the bare minimum as a parent.

We alternate who takes the monitor at night, is up with the girls in the morning and feeds them breakfast before work starts (the other sleeps in until the last minute!) and we alternate who puts each of them down for bed at night. We proactively offer to take both girls out on chores with us or hang with them in the playroom so the other parent can have some downtime. Either of us can leave at any time to go have a shower or some quiet time alone because we are just screamed out.

My spouse also does almost all the cooking. Previously we alternated cooking dinners but since the 1 year old is nursing and has been having separation anxiety from me there has been much less screaming and trouble to do it this way for a bit.

Basically, outside of working hours your partner needs to be 50/50 on parenting and home work. You are working as your own nanny/cleaner/house admin during the day and spouse is working at whatever their job is. But as a parent the responsibility is 24/7, it does not stop at 5 pm so neither do either of you. You guys can aim for equal free time. Free time is the only currency in these early years, and that time is bought either by utilizing paid care or by your partner’s effort.

When he doesn’t do something, he is forcing that task on you. I would really question him as to why he thinks that is okay and whether he would want someone to do that to them.

 

[kasham]

@beleadnotastray I think we're atleast 50/50 these days. If I'm honest my husband is probably doing more than I am right now. We have a very very high energy 3.5 year old who's in preschool 4 days a week. I do pickup and drop off and take him all day on the day he's off. My husband works from home and helps in the mornings and after he's done work. I'm having a tough pregnancy so he's taking on the lion's share of taking him to the park etc on weekends.

I did a much larger share of the work when our kid was younger so I hope it's evened out a bit. I do feel guilty like I'm not pulling my weight and know how lucky I am.

 

[icredrum]

@beleadnotastray My husband is taking three college classes, working two part time jobs, and doing an internship. He's working over 40 hours a week, plus more time for homework. We have an autistic/PDA daughter who has medical conditions and did feeding therapy for a long time, and she's three now but still very high needs. She did early intervention, OT, PT, the works.

When he's home he's 100% on with us unless he specifically asks for a break (in which case we usually both get one). He does the majority of the house cleaning because I've got some physical limitations, and my daughter has high anxiety. So she won't accept him a good portion of the time. Anytime she will, he plays and takes care of her so I can get a break. If she won't, he's doing housework to take the load off my plate. He's done bath time since she was a baby, she wouldn't let him feed her or rock her so he did that instead. And now he's the only one she will let wash her hair, because he hangs his head over the tub and lets her wash his.

He encourages me to get out of the house since I with her for long days so much of the week, and supports me getting time to exercise and engage with my hobbies. I happily do more of the mental load since it works well with my brain, and he happily does more of the physical labor in the house. And he does this without being told or directed, so he handles that all himself. I enjoy cooking actually as a hobby, but he will gladly cook any night I don't feel up for it. He also takes our daughter out to indoor play places, rides on his ebike, really anything he can get her to do so I can decompress. And he's got ADHD and works incredibly hard at his jobs/school, but he knows that being with her for hours and hours is the much harder job of the two. When she was younger he was always happy to learn what skills we were working on and would help support her development. And has learned specific approaches for PDA children, which are very different from traditional parenting approaches for typical children and other autistic profiles.

So this behavior is really, truly unacceptable and incredibly selfish. I'm so sorry that you're dealing with it. I'm sure others will suggest it, but it sounds like maybe he needs some one on one time with the kiddos to get a taste of how difficult it is .

 

[katrina2017]

@beleadnotastray Oh yes. 1 and 2 year old- I did 99% of everything. Don’t think he even changed a diaper until the youngest was a month old. No clue about how to do anything for them or how to take care of them without me. We had a come-to-Jesus moment after our 2nd was born.

It’s an ongoing battle, but we are moving ahead at a snail pace. There was an entire unraveling of some deeply rooted misogynistic views we both had (I killed myself daily thinking I wasn’t enough if EVERYTHING wasn’t done to the perfect 1950s housewife ideals, and he was very much supportive of that ideology even though it was draining the life out of me).

So step 1-ish: stop doing it for him, and do not feel bad about it. Your laundry needs folded? Fold it buddy. I’ve got kids to take care of.
Just like a toddler give him an option (I have to do this right now- so you can either take over the child rearing for awhile or you can do x yourself).

1. Once his feet are nice and warm taking on more of the child rearing responsibilities or housework you start adding in the other. Schedule an appointment, then schedule another, a tattoo/hair/nail/ANYTHING appointment, so he is responsible for their care. Needs to be a few hours at least. He needs to understand how hard it really is and how important you are. Mine likes his mommy to help him when I started doing this, so I started scheduling when he’d have to do it on his own.

Step 3-ish: any backlash you get you have to remain calm and completely decode it for him. Break it down- you are a human being and his partner. He needs to pull his weight. Do not allow yourself to feel inadequate because he is giving pushback about being an active 50% in your relationship and parenting.

Step 5ish- be willing to walk away if he does not accept your value and his responsibility. Even if “walking away” can only be small step towards the door over a long period of time. Unfortunately men take on an attitude of chess in these kinds of dynamics. “Checkmate, I provide and you get to be with your children so therefore my word goes”

I hope your situation was not as hard to fix as mine but if you want to be happy and have a happy functioning relationship with the other person then there will be a lot of blood sweat and tears until you come to a happy balance. It may not be fully 50/50 but as long as it gets better it’s progress, and progress will be good for you.

 

[beleadnotastray]

@katrina2017 Thank you for these tips! I’m glad you’ve found a solution for your family. I’ll give hear a shot!

 

[katrina2017]

@beleadnotastray Of course these are all pretty tailored to my own personal experience, but I’d love to know how things go later on. Give us an update down the road if you can. Best of luck

 

[beleadnotastray]

@katrina2017 Will do!

 

[katrina2017]

The prefect 1950s housewife I aspired to be was probably heavily medicated with the OG stuff. We don’t have that (plus you know, not the best route to be heavily medicated just to live your life lol) so the dudes need to step up their game.

Sorry to any stay at home dads/ dads who are actually pulling their weight- this one wasn’t for you lol

 

[kimberlily22]

@beleadnotastray So I’ll start with I’m NOT like any other man. I work 2 jobs. I’m a teacher and a server. My wife stays at home now with our new baby and our 6 and 11 year old. I still cook and clean when I’m home. If the baby needs a new diaper and I’m home I do it. I don’t get a lot of time with them so I try to cherish every moment. Even just a diaper change… haha. I also make sure if I’m home I do bath time and play with the kids hangout; NOT because I’m asked, but like I said I miss them. Me and the older one play switch and me and the 6 year old do whatever the game of the day isonce they are all in bed my wife and I spend time together EVERY night no matter what time I get home. I also wanna add I give her a full body massage at some point during the day and she puts out 2x a day if I ask… it has taken us a LOT of counseling to get here. The work is definitely worth itit sounds like you and your husband should sit down either together or with a counselor and try to figure it out. Maybe you BOTH are missing something the other needs and it goes unmet so BOTH of you are pouring from an empty cup building resentment for one another. IVE BEEN THERE! I HOPE my two cents helps. REMEMBER tho this is a bunch of strangers on the internet and you NEED to do what’s RIGHT for YOU… #GOODLUCK

 

[jen4him]

@beleadnotastray I handle all of the research/mental load for how we are doing things but my husband is 100% on board and will ask questions and earnestly welcomes critiques or suggestions. When he’s home I would say he changes more diapers than I do probably, gives her baths, prepares meals, plays with her, etc etc. He works hard and only gets a couple hours with her in the evenings and he takes advantage of that time because he loves and wants to spend time with his daughter.

Providing care for our children is also what helps develop a secure attachment so if he’s not caring for them in any way then no wonder they want nothing to do with him.

Even if he didn’t have you or your kids he would still be going to work every day PLUS cleaning up after himself, preparing his own meals, carrying his own mental load. You don’t get to have a child and expect to bear no responsibility for their needs. You are making his life easier and he is making your life harder. You’re already doing everything on your own, so consider if he is adding anything positive to your life. I can’t imagine a husband and father that acts like this being a good partner in other aspects of life.

Good luck to you

 

[breaker09]

@beleadnotastray My husband works 40 hours a week
-cooks dinner everynight
-cleans the kitchen and does dishes everynight
-does his laundry ever night, babies laundry and clothe diapers every week
-changes the kitty litter
-wipes up after baby does blw and i have her in the tub
-speaks to her in multiple languages
-plays music with her
-gives her bottles and watches her so i can nap on the days i need one
-changes diapers without being asked
-takes garbage and recycling out
-takea her to the grocery store by himself
-washes her bottles and other dishes
-watches baby so I can do my laundry, deep cleans, linnens, organizing our rooms, sweeping the house and cleaning bathrooms

Our LO is 7 months and I bf on demand so most of my days im nap/boob trapped and he has never missed a beat or needed to be asked to carry his own weight and help me out where and when needed. We both work all day and were both parents when we are with our child and we both work to maintain our home. We're both exhausted, but that's what happens when you're a parent. He should definitely be helping you out more.