@beleadnotastray I have a 4 year old and 1 year old. I am the SAHP so I do the mental load and drive the train, basically. I tell him when things change (schedule, feeding, hazards, whatever) and he immediately absorbs it so that he is able to competently care for the girls. He is fully capable of caring for both of them completely on his own at any given time, as he should be as their parent. This is the bare minimum as a parent.
We alternate who takes the monitor at night, is up with the girls in the morning and feeds them breakfast before work starts (the other sleeps in until the last minute!) and we alternate who puts each of them down for bed at night. We proactively offer to take both girls out on chores with us or hang with them in the playroom so the other parent can have some downtime. Either of us can leave at any time to go have a shower or some quiet time alone because we are just screamed out.
My spouse also does almost all the cooking. Previously we alternated cooking dinners but since the 1 year old is nursing and has been having separation anxiety from me there has been much less screaming and trouble to do it this way for a bit.
Basically, outside of working hours your partner needs to be 50/50 on parenting and home work. You are working as your own nanny/cleaner/house admin during the day and spouse is working at whatever their job is. But as a parent the responsibility is 24/7, it does not stop at 5 pm so neither do either of you. You guys can aim for equal free time. Free time is the only currency in these early years, and that time is bought either by utilizing paid care or by your partner’s effort.
When he doesn’t do something, he is forcing that task on you. I would really question him as to why he thinks that is okay and whether he would want someone to do that to them.
We alternate who takes the monitor at night, is up with the girls in the morning and feeds them breakfast before work starts (the other sleeps in until the last minute!) and we alternate who puts each of them down for bed at night. We proactively offer to take both girls out on chores with us or hang with them in the playroom so the other parent can have some downtime. Either of us can leave at any time to go have a shower or some quiet time alone because we are just screamed out.
My spouse also does almost all the cooking. Previously we alternated cooking dinners but since the 1 year old is nursing and has been having separation anxiety from me there has been much less screaming and trouble to do it this way for a bit.
Basically, outside of working hours your partner needs to be 50/50 on parenting and home work. You are working as your own nanny/cleaner/house admin during the day and spouse is working at whatever their job is. But as a parent the responsibility is 24/7, it does not stop at 5 pm so neither do either of you. You guys can aim for equal free time. Free time is the only currency in these early years, and that time is bought either by utilizing paid care or by your partner’s effort.
When he doesn’t do something, he is forcing that task on you. I would really question him as to why he thinks that is okay and whether he would want someone to do that to them.
once they are all in bed my wife and I spend time together EVERY night no matter what time I get home. I also wanna add I give her a full body massage at some point during the day and she puts out 2x a day if I ask… it has taken us a LOT of counseling to get here. The work is definitely worth it
it sounds like you and your husband should sit down either together or with a counselor and try to figure it out. Maybe you BOTH are missing something the other needs and it goes unmet so BOTH of you are pouring from an empty cup building resentment for one another. IVE BEEN THERE! I HOPE my two cents helps. REMEMBER tho this is a bunch of strangers on the internet and you NEED to do what’s RIGHT for YOU… #GOODLUCK