How much does your partner help with child rearing?

[beleadnotastray]

Even though I don’t have a job and am a SAHM to a 1 year old and 3 year old, I get frustrated and down when I think of all the things I wish my husband would be more willing to do. Not sure if my thoughts are unreasonable so feel free to tell me what you think.

I’m the only one who feeds my 12 month old solid foods. He sees a feeding therapist (he still only breastfeeds) and my husband has only sat him down and prepared him a meal twice—both times when I’ve asked him to, never on his own initiative. I have to direct him on what to prepare every time, make sure he has water for the baby, etc.

I have to make sure the baby gets his daily meds as well. I asked my H to help me remember to give them but he has yet to ask me once “does the baby need his meds today?”

He has given him like 3 baths in all his life.

When I ask him to change a diaper he rolls his eyes.

He doesn’t try and teach my son skills, words, etc. and our son is behind on a lot of milestones and the weight of it all falls on my shoulders.

Today my H was complaining that I didn’t fold his laundry and it all just came crashing down on me like, FFS, why can’t he pull a little more parenting weight around here? His answer would be “I already do so much. I’m so tired. You don’t care or appreciate me. You need to be more empathetic to how hard I work.” Sigh.

Are there partners out there who bear more of the mental and physical load of parenting? I’m so bummed that my husband isn’t more involved and doesn’t care as much as I do.

 

[sergepb]

@beleadnotastray When my husband gets off work for the day, he helps with everything without being asked. He is fully aware of what routine I have our 2.5 yr old on and jumps right in. Cooking dinner, playing with him, bath time, etc. Whatever needs doing.

I definitely bear a majority of the mental load as I manage our son's schedule but my husband willdo whatever research I ask him to do if I need a hand and he is really good about helping me stay on top of chores/errands.

Your husband needs to get on the team rather then being dead weight.

 

[beleadnotastray]

@sergepb That sounds so nice! My husband plays well with my 3 yo but he’s clueless about the 1 year old and it’s so sad.

 

[sergepb]

@beleadnotastray My husband struggled the first few months until I lost my shit and pointed out that if he was capable of working and maining a career on his own then he could follow the kids routine and be involved without handholding. That seemed to wake him up and he has been stellar since.

 

[beguilingorbit]

@beleadnotastray My SO and I had a chat about what would happen if he suddenly had to care for our LO solo. If something happened to me, what a steep learning curve for my hubby at the worst possible time.
Earlier this year I broke my back, and it suddenly came in very handy having someone else know when nap times are, how much does he need in a bottle and how often, etc etc. and my SO and I really saw the value in having more than one person understand what needs to happen in the day to day running of a house with kids.

 

[jen4him]

@beguilingorbit This is such a good point, OP. If something happened would you trust that your children are being cared for? Would you feel comfortable leaving them in his solo care for 72 hours? If you had to go to an emergency doctors appointment is he going to call you every five minutes with questions? I understand working parents have less time with their kids but there is NO excuse for a parent to not know basic care tasks. How was he when the 3yo was a baby?

 

[grungey]

@jen4him My husband would move back in with his parents. I would trust his mom, I guess. But he wouldn't have to call me in an emergency, he would just let them do whatever they want.

 

[grungey]

@sergepb I totally thought my husband would be this way. We had extensive conversations about what we imagined our daily life would be like with kids. But nope. Probably because of anxiety (on his part) and he does not like to be asked to do things. At all.

 

[sergepb]

@grungey He does realize he can't have it both ways right? He either gets with the program and does what needs doing himself or you tell him what needs doing.

 

[grungey]

@sergepb My thoughts exactly. Our biggest challenge is having a "high needs" kid. They have ADHD and need supervision all.the.time. He imagined being a laid back parent with cooperative kids. He refuses to adjust to reality so if I'm gone more than one night something is destroyed and I will need to clean it up.

 

[arrows]

@beleadnotastray So my situation is a little different because my husband works seven days a week, from 7ish AM until after 9pm most days. Sometimes he will get home around 6-6:30pm but it’s rare. Maybe one day off a month. (He does get the full month of July out of office to “recharge”) Anyways, he is the one that gets up in the morning to change her diaper and bring her to me so I can nurse her in bed. 95% of the days that is the only time he is home while she is awake. But on the rare days where he is home for more awake hours he does most of what she needs. I “guide” it (since I know the schedule) but he does the actual work. He is also proactive about playing with her and crawling around in the ground being used as a jungle gym. He will take her to run errands so I can have some alone time. He does bathtime when he is home too. Again this isn’t that often. Maybe a couple times a month. But the point is that if he is here he is a parent. Not only that but he also HATES when I do things for him. Even when I was working and had to take my own dry cleaning in he would feel guilty that I also took his. I don’t exist to serve him and he doesn’t exist to serve me. We are together because we care about each other and WANT to do better to make the others life easier and better.

 

[beleadnotastray]

@arrows Wow, that’s gotta be tough for him to be away so much but good on him for being fully present with your little one when he’s there.

 

[arrows]

@beleadnotastray Yeah he hates it but we are able to go visit him at work once or twice a week thank goodness. And when we do visit he will take her around to all the offices showing her off haha.

As soon as he gets home every night he will grab the baby monitor to look at her. It’s really endearing. We of course have our difficulties as every relationship does, but on the whole I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else.

 

[lucy]

@beleadnotastray Every day. Lately he's been helping more since I'm pregnant with a condition causing pain and limited mobility. But even before that, he woke up with our toddler every morning so I could sleep in, and did the bath and bedtime routine on most nights. I don't always agree with how he does things, but he always puts in the effort.

 

[beleadnotastray]

@lucy Thanks for sharing. Now that I think of it, I haven’t slept in since before my 1 year old was born!

 

[averygirl72]

@lucy This is how my husband is. He also works from home and will watch the monitor while she's napping so I can have a complete break. Whenever I ask him to do something, he does it.

 

[brightsky]

@beleadnotastray I’ve been a sahp for over 7 years, the last 5 years my husbands been traveling for work so when he’s home(mostly on weekends) I do little to no parenting because I’m exhausted and he’s never complained once.

 

[bness]

@beleadnotastray I definitely take on more of the mental load with my 1 yo and 2 yo but my husband is a super engaged father. When he gets home he does most of the childcare. He misses the kids and wants to spend time with them. He changes their diapers and does bath time. Then we’ll each put a kid to bed. After the kids go to bed we’ll tackle the clean up together and then hang out for a little bit before bed.

Our son had a speech delay and our daughter had a milk soy protein allergy. He was very much involved in doing the speech homework with our son. He also was very careful with dinner and food for our daughter. I do have to remind him about milestones they should be hitting but he’ll actively work with them on whatever activities we’re focused on.

I do work one 12 hour shift a week on a day he has off. So he watches the kids and does everything for them that day. I leave before they get up and get home after they are in bed. I really think that helps us be on the same page.

 

[jobinseattle]

@beleadnotastray My husband is very involved. It’s something we talked about before we even got married, actually. Our philosophy regarding housework and parenting is that during regular work hours we both work hard, after work hours we work/play hard together. We also each try and give one another at least a short alone time break every day, if possible. There are some things that’ll never be even (nursing, business trips, etc) but it’s okay because we both put in 100% effort to do our part. In general we are both self conscious about being dead weight in the relationship, which is a whole different kind of issue lol. But it does cause us to be really mindful of the other person’s workload.

 

[betty44]

@beleadnotastray My husband does a lot. Ours is potty trained now but before she was he did diapers. He does bath time most nights while I do the dishes. He packs the diaper and snack bag whenever we go out as a family. He takes her out to play at the park to give me a break a couple nights a week and on the weekend unless we’re out doing something as a family. He cleans up the toys in the living room once or twice a day while I get lunch and dinner together. He’s always willing to read her a book. Pretend play, he doesn’t really do which I get, I don’t particularly enjoy it either. He prefers to do things with her outside. But he’ll do blocks and stuff like that.

I’m sorry you’re not getting more help, especially with two. That’s not fair. And maybe ask him to consider how he wants your child to remember him when he grows up. Doesn’t he want your son to have memories of him being there?