How many of you have asked your 18 year old to move out?

[garberse]

I know that this post will be missing a lot of context, mostly because I don't have the energy to get into all the details right now, but I'm feeling that it may be getting close to time for my soon-to-be 18 year old to leave the nest.

Basically, as the title says, I just want to know who all here have asked their 18 year old to move out? Not kicked out or anything like that, just suggesting that it was time to look for their own place. You can share any details f you want to.

Edited to add that she has a full time job and has already graduated high school.

 

[allie1313]

@garberse I think before the step of asking to move out is a discussion about plans for independence.

They have a job but are they equipped to budget and save? How is their credit score for rental applications? Are you willing to co-sign? How are their housekeeping skills? Transportation opportunities? Will they need a roommate? How will they find one if so?

Basically making sure they are prepared to leave the nest before kicking them out of it.

 

[garberse]

@allie1313 All great questions! We have discussed what adulthood will look like. She has been saving money from each check and has a substantial amount saved. She's always been good about maintaining a fairly clean space. She takes the bus anywhere she wants to go. (We live in a fairly large city) but is also buying a car this year. She intends to get a place with her partner who also has a job. The credit score part is definitely an issue since hers is 0 and mine is very low. Grandma might co-sign for her, or possibly her partners parents.

 

[godislove32]

@garberse She needs to build her credit and now. She cannot be reliant on partners parents just from a relational safety standpoint. Young women benefit from the security of financial independence. That’s what I’d focus on with her. There are lots of ways to build credit without relying on yours. I’d suggest meeting with her at her bank and asking for financial support or advice as many banks have credit builder programs. Second to that, Google.

 

[allie1313]

@godislove32 And along with this- work with her to understand her lease if she’s starting with a partner. I am sure they are wishing the best for their relationship but cohabitation is a big step, especially so young. An ex for a roommate is rarely ideal.

 

[katrina2017]

@godislove32 yes yes yes!!!! THIS IS HUGE. i had zero credit when i moved out of my parents’ house and that’s one of my biggest regrets. before asking her to move out talk to her about getting a chime account and using that to help her build credit with their “credit builder” feature. she can use the card for all her daily spending. my score went from zero to about 550 in like 4 months! and then it took maybe about 8 more months to get it over the 600 mark. now that it’s been about 2 years my score is 690. maybe encourage her also to open up a different credit card (i recommend capital one) to use ONLY to pay her power bill & phone bill and nothing else.

 

[atgeki]

@garberse My children are happy to live with me as long as they need to or want to. They know this and are also expected to assist with chores and, when they start working full time, bills. My MIL moved in with us last year (85) when my FIL passed. I’m hoping to demonstrate what family does for family.

 

[canadiancora]

@garberse My husband says our daughter will be happier when she’s on her own. I was offended at first when he privately told me he’s looking forward to when she moves out, but then he explained that he thinks she’ll be kinder to us (me) when she has the full independence that she craves.

You’re getting a lot of, “never!!” responses so I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone.

 

[garberse]

@canadiancora Thank you! At times I feel like your husband does and then I feel guilty for feeling that way. Mine also craves full adult independence and has been inching her way out of the nest for some time and I think that a final nudge from me might be necessary for both her and I. It's hard to figure out what parenting should look like when our kids hit adulthood. I have a therapist who is helping me navigate this shifting relationship.

 

[canadiancora]

@garberse I’m so glad you have a therapist helping you navigate. Especially that guilt- why do we have to feel guilty about a feeling?! You’re not wanting her out of your life forever. And truthfully, some mother/daughter relationships can just be tough.

Do you think she will be ready to be on her own? Is she able to manage a budget? Does she have a decent idea what things cost and what expenses she will have?

 

[pelegirl5284]

@garberse My son is 19. Turns 20 in July. I'm feeling he needs to move out soon too. I'm worried staying home is preventing him from growing and developing the skills he needs as an adult. It terrifies me. I don't think he is ready. I think he will struggle. But I also think he needs to struggle. It's so hard.

 

[waterpalnts]

@garberse My adult child is always welcome to come back home but he was ready to move out. I make sure he has enough money for necessities. He's a full time student but gets a monthly payment to go to school.

Our relationship is better for it too.

 

[garberse]

@waterpalnts Our relationship has been on unstable ground for the past 9 months and I'm hoping that, like you, space will be the thing that helps us recover and build a new adult to adult type of relationship.

 

[waterpalnts]

@garberse Same. It does, a ton! He comes over weekly for dinner and laundry. We are able to communicate better and he doesn't get frustrated like he used to when I asked him to help with something. It's been amazing.

I miss him a ton though. Luckily he's like two miles down the road.

 

[garberse]

@waterpalnts This is the best outcome and one that I'm definitely hoping for. Close enough to see each other fairly regularly but far enough so everyone can breathe! Lol

 

[tmark938]

@garberse We always had an expectation of higher education or something where they can support themselves . we’d support them through school. Or they have 6 months to save and find a place a to rent because it’s not fair for us to support them if they do not have a plan. Can’t imagine kicking them out just because they are 18. I want to make sure they have the tools and some security first.

 

[sandgroper101]

@garberse I am 43 now, but when I was 18 I could not stand living at home with my parents. I moved out two weeks after high school graduation. My mom wasn’t very happy about it and told me I could stay as long as I wanted. I just wanted the freedom of my own place. The only downside is it probably impacted my college learning a bit since I had to work a full 40hrs to pay the bills.

 

[smiddy10]

@garberse My daughter will be 20 in July. I will not be asking her to move out. She graduated in 2022, works 25-35 hours a week, and goes to community college. She can live with me, rent free as long as she needs to. I wouldn’t feel the same way if she wasn’t working/going to school. She pays for gas, car insurance, all car maintenance, and her own groceries.

 

[arl127]

@garberse Ours moved out for college and never really moved back in.

He came back temporarily for a few weeks between moving jobs or houses, but we were clear that he was always welcome and he was clear that he wanted his own space.

He’s 28, and has a house about 45 miles away. Our home will always be open and available to him for as long as we are alive. He knows and appreciates that, but he loves his own place.

 

[novictoryagainstmordor]

@garberse And we are really looking forward to our 18 year old son heading off to university. He’s not ready to live on his own, but we are very hopeful that he will do some maturing while going to school and living in the dormitory. Every child is different, but that is our hope…. that and not flunking out of school ha ha. The past six years have been super rough. The only saving grace is that he seems to enjoy some aspects of school enough to continue.