How do you accomplish the mindset change to be comfortable/confident in your decision to be a SAHP?

[oddduck123]

This is a question especially for SAHP who put much time and effort into education (degrees, certifications) and/or building their careers (dedicated years and gained lots of skills and work experience). My husband and I have discussed it at length even before the birth of our child (now 2 years old) and I plan on becoming a permanent SAHM likely at some point this year, but I can't figure out the timing. I identified the main reasons for my hesitation as:

(1) Loss - since graduating university, I have never been without income from employment or company-paid health benefits. It feels odd and scary to "lose" these things.

(2) Waste - feeling like all my years of education and time I spent building my career/skills are now pointless. I don't intend on returning to the workforce so it's not like I would be able to keep up with various applications and technology changes, either. I've always been a high-performer at every position I've held, which magnifies this feeling for me.

(2) Fear of the unknown - I don't know anyone else around me and similar in age (I'm 36F) who has left their career, even temporarily, to become a SAHM. Every female friend, relative and colleague I've had has always gone on mat leave and come back...or left the organization to work elsewhere afterwards. So, when it comes to people I can relate to, I have zero "templates" to reference and it gives me a sense of uncertainty doing something that deviates from the norm as I know it.

Logically, I have fairly strong counterpoints to each of these concerns, and many reasons (e.g., health, lifestyle, etc.) for my decision that fall outside of these items. So, from a rational standpoint, I should not have reservations. It is the emotional side of me that can't seem to reconcile my decision to become a SAHM (already firm) with these things (similar to feelings of FOMO, I suppose).

Would really appreciate hearing your thought processes and how you all handled this experience. Thank you.

 

[pastorjman]

@oddduck123 I was 32.5 when I quit to become a SAHM (shortly before my oldest was born), so just a little younger than you. A few things that made the mental transition easier for me were:

1. I had climbed the corporate ladder far enough to know I didn’t enjoy it. I studied hard in high school and college and excelled at my job, but at the end of the day, it was a job. At that point, I felt what I could contribute to my child as a SAHM outweighed a salaried job.
2. My husband and I had saved a sizeable nest egg, so we had no financial concerns about dropping one income. This would have been the biggest worry for me if we hadn’t saved a lot already.
3. I’ve always been a bit of a contrarian, perhaps due to a childhood of unreasonable expectations from my parents. Once I am confident that a decision is the best one for me, I don’t care about going against the norm. None of my friends became SAHM and the only one I knew before quitting was my MIL.

 

[duke848]

@pastorjman Loving #3, right there with you

 

[oddduck123]

@pastorjman Thank you for sharing this. I don't think I have the same reassurances as you (financially we aren't that set and I lack the conviction due to lacking people in my social circle who are SAHPs) but your comment was helpful in offering things to consider.

 

[alearose]

@oddduck123 There’s a lot here. I’ll start with the waste comment. I don’t feel my education is a waste because I use it in my current role as a mom. If you read much child development research, you’ll find that maternal education is a huge factor for children’s outcomes. There’s tons of information to navigate as a parent, and having the skills to do so effectively is a huge advantage.

Regarding loss, I think about what saying no to some things allows me to say yes to on the other side. I try to focus on aligning my life with what I value most and investing my time there.

Someone here on another thread recommended an Instagram account MotherUntitled. I think it might help you find some solidarity and community in your choices. The description is “the place for ambitious women leaning in to family life.”

 

[oddduck123]

@alearose Thanks a lot. I have come across MotherUntitled! I think it didn't resonate that deeply, though, because I recall the author talked about plans to return to work at some point (I may be mistaken).

May I ask specifically what aspects of your education you found most helpful toward your role as a mom? Something I worry about a lot is not knowing how to teach my toddler things. I was a fairly good student and academics wasn't something I struggled with, and they say good students make the worst teachers! My son doesn't enjoy reading/being read to, for example, whereas I was always an avid reader...so for something that came naturally, and which I value, I don't actually know how to foster the love/teach it. Yikes!

 

[alearose]

@oddduck123 I am planning to return to a more formal/paid position in the workforce when my kids are older, but I hope a lot of the same points could still apply for the present whether or not the future may look different between us.

My undergraduate degree was in English education and psychology, so a lot of the content directly applies to raising children. But even outside of that, I think the more general academic skills I learned are helpful and pretty much any field of study could help someone be a better parent.

Some skills I was alluding to in my first comment are the ability to do research and evaluate sources. If I have a question about something, I am able to determine what the best avenues are for answering it. I have experience studying academic journal articles, good reading comprehension, and can apply what I know about the scientific method and research design to thinking critically about how seriously to take advice from various community members, for example.

I also recently completed a master’s degree in public administration, and some things I can take away from that are learning more about how to identify and advocate for public policy that is best for my family, better understanding economics and personal finance, and gaining more interpersonal and conflict-resolution skills.

More educated parents also tend to pass on richer vocabularies and more social capital to their children. I don’t necessarily agree that the best students are the worst teachers. I think that can be true if the student-turned-teacher doesn’t take enough time to reflect on how their pupil’s vantage point is different from their own, but you have problem-solving skills to address that. For example, you recognize that your child isn’t excited about reading right now, and you are actively looking for ideas and strategies to respond to that which is great.

(My input on the reading point—two years old is still super young, so I wouldn’t worry too much if reading isn’t capturing his interest right now. I would keep exposing him to books, but keep it light and fun. He doesn’t need to read a book all the way through; it’s okay to jump around the pages and just talk about the pictures. One thing I do with my preschooler is keep a running list on my phone of topics she is interested in, then when we go to the library I help her look for books about those things we can browse.)

 

[oddduck123]

@alearose Thank you for taking the time to lay all this out! I really appreciate it! It seems you're excellent at applying things that you've learned to different settings...kudos to you, it's something I need to work on more, but you've given me a good perspective to work with!

 

[mem5]

@oddduck123

This is a question especially for SAHP who put much time and effort into education (degrees, certifications) and/or building their careers (dedicated years and gained lots of skills and work experience).

Hi! I have degrees and had a decade+ long career making very good money and left to be a SAHP.

(1) Loss - since graduating university, I have never been without income from employment or company-paid health benefits. It feels odd and scary to "lose" these things.

It is. There’s no sugarcoating it, and I don’t think it’s odd to feel that way. Going from being self-sufficient financially to dependent on someone, even a spouse, is scary. You absolutely need to trust your spouse and you both need to have a lot of conversations about pros and cons.

Fundamentally, if it’s not something you’re comfortable doing, that’s valid. I recommend this a lot, but if you aren’t sure if it’s the right fit, don’t over commit to being a SAHP. Take a six month hiatus and see how it goes. It’s a lot easier to get back into the work force with

 

[00sweetpea00]

@mem5 Thank you for your comment, because I'm feeling a lot of what OP is feeling, and needed to read this.

Even though I wanted to become a stay-at-home parent since pregnancy. The timing just didn't work out for us right away, but now we're finally able to swing it. My baby is a year old. I'm still super anxious about the life shift, and felt like there's no logical reason to feel anxious, but your words help put a reason to it.

 

[oddduck123]

@mem5 Thanks so much for validating what I've been feeling and thinking, and giving the rationalization to deal with those concerns. And for the reminder that I have to live my life the way I see fit regardless of what others might think.

 

[lucas3478]

@oddduck123 I’m also a 36F and this is my last week at work. I came back to work end of December from mat leave so everyone is surprised that I’m leaving again lol. I’m the only one I know who has chosen the SAHM life too. I struggled a lot with my decision. We’re losing out on my 6 figure salary but I think my baby (8 months) just really needs her mom right now.

 

[oddduck123]

@lucas3478 Thank you for sharing this. The pull of a child that you just want to focus on is definitely strong. Did anything else help you manage the feelings/thoughts of this transition? Would love to hear other aspects if you would like to share.

 

[jariid]

@oddduck123 I left a 13 yr career in finance, making six figures, when my first was 6 months. That was 3.5 yrs ago and I’ve never regretted it for a second. The decision itself was hard to make. I knew I wanted to stay home, but I felt pressure from the outside to keep working. Mostly from my family, everyone at work was extremely supportive. But my mom raised me to be an independent woman, take care of my self, never rely on a man for financial security. I didn’t want to disappoint the people in my life, but I had to look at what I really wanted. Was I happy going to work every day and leaving my child? No. Financially was there a reason to do this? No. It was just so I could say I was an independent woman taking care of myself. But also making myself miserable in the process.

I decided to really think about what I wanted for my family and what would make me happy. Work didn’t make me happy, and I didn’t need the status symbol that came with it. I didn’t care about bragging about my job or using it to feel important. I’m happy at home with my kids. I don’t need to keep up with other people with big titles to feel accomplished in life. Once I got over that aspect, I just embraced it and love it. The only time I think about work is the occasional nightmare that I’m still there. Then I wake up relieved it was just a dream.

 

[oddduck123]

@jariid I hope you and your mom were able to see eye to eye on your decision eventually. I think parents ultimately wish to see their children happy, regardless if their life choices align with their own hopes/dreams for their kids.

I would say work doesn't make me happy per se, but I do reasonably well at it, find pride in my accomplishments and do find enjoyment/fulfilment (the recognition of a job well done, etc.) so that is a sort of happiness in a way, and stepping away from that external validation is hard. Childcare and household management is fulfilling as well for me, but in a different (somehow lesser?) way. It's a mental shift I haven't achieved.

 

[katrina2017]

@oddduck123 I'm 36f and I just feel like each part of my life was a chapter. Maybe it helps that I paid off my student debt and my husband makes really decent money. I don't feel restricted with money, but I feel like after my son starts school, it's a new season. I

 

[oddduck123]

@katrina2017 That's an interesting way to look at it. That's a helpful way of viewing things to facilitate letting go of certain phases of life.

 

[loreec]

@oddduck123 Realize that anyone who judges you is projecting or envies your situation. And then there are the outliers who couldn’t do it even if they wanted to or they have the resources but are too extroverted. One of my close friends is like this. She’s convinced her child will thrive more in daycare and that’s her right

 

[oddduck123]

@loreec Haha that's quite amusing. I'm sure the judgment certainly won't come across that way, though, and I will admit it would get to me, even though their opinions really shouldn't matter.

 

[annae]

@oddduck123 I’m 33 with a 20mo. Not gonna lie, I still struggle with the feeling of being financially dependent. I’ve been staying home for a year and we’re still working on getting me some sort of “stipend” to cover non-essential things I want, but that’s the plan. I bounced around a little career-wise so my situation isn’t quite the same but I have a bachelor’s and am a licensed cosmetologist and I feel like a turd for using neither. However, you can never know with 100% certainty that you’ll never have to (or want to!) go back to work. Knowing I’m hireable gives me some peace of mind for the “financial dependence” part. It also takes some pressure off knowing this doesn’t have to be a permanent decision of you change your mind. For us, life is just a lot more chill now that I’m home. I get more time with my kid and my husband, I’m able to better keep the house how I want it, I have more time to make healthy meals, we have the freedom to go on random day trips, more freedom to see family, I actually have time to exercise, we get out in nature more before the sun sets… I could go on and on. It’s fucking scary but if you try it and it’s not for you it won’t be the end of the world!