House shopping meltdown: anyone else struggling with the milestones in the way of TTC?

[fruitb]

My partner and I are finally shopping for a house after 8 years of being together (and 7 living together). We've talked about marriage and kids abstractly but I finally told him that I'm at the age (33) where we need to just schedule out when we're going to have kids.

He agreed that we could calendar this all out as soon as we buy a house. We live in a city with one of the most competitive housing markets in the U.S. and the buying process is really stressful. We're also right at the trickiest price level where homes are super competitive and scarce.

Yesterday we saw a wonderful house. Perfect location, cute fixer, great layout, hidden hardwood floors, big yard, and in our price range. It was a in great condition and a perfect fit. We started to talk to the agent about the offering process. Then my partner went, "Oh, oh no, babe, this is silly but my truck won't fit in the garage." And that was it, the house was off our list.

I was nearly in tears the whole car ride home. I hate feeling like I'm so close to getting to plan out my life and then these dumb little things keep getting in the way. I hate house hunting, I hate the uncertainty, I hate the fear that I'm getting too old to have a simple pregnancy, and COVID is making it 10x worse.

Thanks for listening to my rant.

UPDATE! We actually had a stroke of luck and ended up having an offer accepted on an amazing house on Friday last week! We move in on May 22nd!

 

[shane28]

@fruitb Wow. I have all the sympathy for you, because if your worries were only about buying a house, his comment would still be ridiculous to me. I'm in my 30s in the North East, and I have never lived anywhere where I kept my cars inside. Are you in an area where there's, like, frequent hail, or something? Why does he care so much about his truck lol

I'd be concerned about his overall approach to problem solving. Like, I simply can't wrap my head about this, esp in a hot market! Is the truck in a garage now? Can you build one on the new property? What about a carport? If you really liked the house, why does he get to veto it?

 

[fruitb]

@shane28 Those are totally fair questions and I had a hot moment of being really pissed that this was the deal breaker. His truck is our "home away from home" off road camper truck. He has a strong social network around rebuilding and maintaining this truck (Toyota Tacoma) that revolves around having the right space and tools. He's wanted a garage for a long time and I'm totally on board with him wanting this. It's sort of like me saying that we really do need to have a solid kitchen that I can really get down and cook in.

 

[shane28]

@fruitb I'm married to a mechanic, so I hear you on the car culture. His dream is a 3000 sq ft detached garage with lift, climate, and plumbing, but since we don't have a spare $100k laying around, he makes do.

The biggest difference between his wants and yours is that it's generally easier to remodel a kitchen. Kitchens are generally selling points on a house, they're a gathering space for events, and you can remodel and recoup most of your money. It's way harder to build/remodel a good garage, and almost impossible to find one. And if you do, the price of the house will be $50-100k more than where you're looking.

So speaking as someone who's gone through this (still going thru it... lol) unless you guys are willing to downsize house to get garage, he has to compromise on it. And really, a Tacoma - even a lifted one - is a tiny truck. I know someone with a lifted Tacoma that works on it himself, and he does it all, plus welding and motorcycle repairs, in a new-construction house's tiny attached garage.

 

[fruitb]

@shane28 Oof, yep, I hear you on the dream garage vs. compromise garage. We're settling on two bay required and lift-able a plus. We have a Go Fast Camper on the Tacoma so it's a bit taller than standard, but we should reasonably be able to find a garage that it will fit it.

I do think we can find our unicorn house, but it was just so sad that this one wasn't it

 

[shane28]

@fruitb Our biggest problem with garage height was that the garage ceiling itself may be tall, but the tracks and motor for the doors will still be in the way. When we replaced our garage doors and motors, we looked into elevating the motor to make liftable space. We would have spend at least $400 to move the motor and tracks (more if we replaced the tracks) to only gain about 18 inches in height.

Car stuff is a permanent line in our budget, it gets equal treatment to home repairs and vacations! haha

 

[marissa22]

@shane28 18 inches is 45.72 cm

 

[fruitb]

@shane28 This is a helpful number to have in mind, actually. Thanks for sharing! This silly house we looked at just had low door frames, so it wasn't even the rafter issue it was that it literally wouldn't fit through the doors. So dumb!

I wonder if they make doors that roll to the sides? Or, honestly. I'd even take barn doors.

 

[shane28]

@fruitb You're welcome! I'm medium to high COL, so the nice doors we picked out were about $3000, for context.

Honestly, if you have enough flat land and a decent climate, a pole barn would be the best thing. Still might not be enough to get a sturdy in-ground lift installed, and I wouldn't trust a truck on a scissor lift. But it'll have the room for tools and a workbench, and it's away from the house so the noise will be less.

 

[tiffc]

@fruitb Is there a reason you have to own a house before you can set a timeline for marriage and babies? Especially if you live somewhere with a very competitive market or limited housing stock where you might end up settling just to get past the ‘must buy a house’ stage.

The only reason I mention is because my ex and I talked abstractly about marriage and kids ‘in the future’. But when it came down to it, it turned out in the future was 10 years for him, and 3 for me, and I think I would have been in a much worse position to make a decision about what was right for me had I just bought a house with him.

 

[fruitb]

@tiffc It was our compromise. I agree that it's sort of arbitrary, but I understand that he's a super linear thinker and struggles to imagine the future. So asking him to pick a time to start trying when he's focused on buying a house is extra stress for him.

This is a good reminder that I need to make sure I don't settle for a less-than-ideal house just to fast-track things and I think I'll talk to him about that in a few weeks if we don't find what we want by then.

 

[sukhovey]

@fruitb With only the information provided, I’m wondering if maybe your SO is just using this as an excuse to put off having a baby. I’m in the camp that babies can be safe and healthy and happy in apartments or rental homes. If you’re having such difficulty finding a home, it seems silly to rule out a home over something as trivial (to me, anyways) as his truck not fitting in the garage. If you already know there’s limited availability, you might have to be flexible on your ideal home offerings. This just comes across as inflexible on the part of your SO, as though he’s just looking for an excuse to hide that he’s not ready to move forward with pregnancy. Obviously, I don’t know your full relationship, but this one instanced comes off that way to me.

 

[moshia]

@sukhovey I’m not sure that’s a fair assumption to make. I’m ready to get pregnant, but one of my non-negotiables is owning a home. Yes I know babies can live in apartments, my niece included, but it’s my personal preference to have a house we own to bring our baby home to. My husband and I have both made sacrifices to save for a home, so we both get a say in our priorities in that home. We know that it may take time before we find that needle in a haystack, but when you are spending that much money and choosing a place to live for 5, 10+ years, why rush into it?

 

[moshia]

@fruitb I feel all of this. Our big milestone is buying a house and living there for a year to recoup savings and do any renovations we’d want. My husband has been dragging his feet and never finds time to go tour houses because his work schedule is crazy. Our housing market is also super competitive and if you can’t go see the house and make an offer the first day or two it’s on the market, you’ll never get the house. I’m so anxious to get out of our apartment and to start actually building some roots in a community...

Any chance you could ask for some money off the purchase price of the home to change the garage? Rebuilding a detached garage isn’t super cheap but it’s doable! Attached is trickier...

 

[fruitb]

@moshia That's frustrating. I hate that feeling of thinking I'm more invested in something than my partner is, so I totally get that.

We talked through all that at the end of the tour. The garage is under the house, so there's no wiggle room to raise it up. He actually just told me a minute ago that it's not officially off the list, but he wants to wait 2 weeks to see if something better is out there. I'm 99% sure this will get bought up before then, but there is a glimmer of hope.

 

[denise_]

@fruitb I feel you on this big time. We would like to buy a larger house before TTC but...money. And pandemic. Simultaneously trying to save for down payment and a baby may be too much for us. Not to mention the stress of a higher mortgage every month. I guess these are really money woes more than milestones, but I do have this list in my head of things we “need” to do first. And yet, my age (35 next month) is always at the forefront of my mind and making me feel like I need to hurry.

 

[fruitb]

@denise_ I hate the age thing, it's the hardest part! Like we're being "punished" for trying to be responsible. Damn you aging bodies!

 

[denise_]

@fruitb Lol we were talking about this last night and my fiancé said, “We should have met in our 20s!”

Yep, that sure would have made things easier. Time to travel, save, get a bigger house, etc. But we’re on this accelerated timeline because we’re geriatric now. It’s so stressful!!!

 

[chaoticjoy3]

@fruitb We’re not even close to house hunting, so I more than sympathise. It’s very hard to live in a place with an overheated housing market (although generally they’re nice places to actually live!) - it gets incredibly depressing knowing that you can’t be guaranteed the security of a home. It’s holding me up from having children too and it does really hurt. Solidarity - maybe the crisis will reduce prices? Silver lining?

 

[fruitb]

@chaoticjoy3 Thanks for the solidarity! It is so hard. The demand is a little lower so the market has sort of "paused" in my area, but no actual price drops. It makes me feel even more rushed, actually, because I keep thinking "we have to find something now while we can actually get it!"