Help: My 10yo son is a relentless downer

[arishin]

@marshmelly Thanks. I love these. We do a 5 minute morning meditation and he has as affirmations “I can do hard things” and “I am capable”. But now I think those are too abstract. I like that the ones you have are concrete and speak to the specific struggles.

 

[outdoorguy]

@arishin You give him Everything! You're a great parent! So he shouldn't need therapy, therapy cannot be part of all that Everything you give him.

You're afraid the therapist will see the truth you hide under all that fantastic parenting. That it's all about your self-image, and not his needs.

It's a valid fear. Get over it.

 

[arishin]

@outdoorguy We do try to give him everything he needs. And I do think we are pretty darn good parents. I don’t believe I parent in a way that caters to my self-image, I have to reject that. I’m not opposed to therapy per se - it’s just that up until now I have assumed there’s got to be something I’m doing wrong, or that there’s something my husband and I can do differently to help him. Maybe that’s not true. Maybe therapy is the only answer, and there’s nothing I can do. If so of course we’d pursue it.

 

[rebekah62]

@arishin It honestly doesn't sound like you're doing anything wrong, except letting your ego get in way regards to therapy. Some people just have these thoughts and a chemical imbalance. Take him to therapy, work that process, and if they suggest medication 6 months down the line, take it seriously, do research and ask questions but let him take them.

Chemical imbalances, ie, depression and anxiety, run in both mine and my SOs family, along with learning disabilities, autism, and ADHD, we are fully expecting to have our children in therapy and possibly medication by the time they graduate high school.

Put your ego aside and take him to therapy.

Edit:typo

 

[truthtellah]

@rebekah62 Just out of curiosity— why choose to have kids knowing they’ll be doomed to the same experience with depression, ADHD, autism, etc. that you did, especially after knowing how awful it is? Not asking in a judgmental way, just asking as a person dealing with those things themselves who ponders the morality of having their own children when knowing their experience could mirror their own.

 

[creationmakessense]

@truthtellah For me, your last sentence covers it. Her experience could mirror mine. It doesn't have to, and if I have my way, it won't.

My parents did the best for me they could, but I grew up in a rural area in the '80s and '90s. Help wasn't easy to find, and Mother saw so much of herself in me that she never once thought to have me tested, because it wasn't a thing when she was a kid in the '50s and '60s. So she did her best to help me at home and see me through.

Times are different. Even in the same area I grew up in. The nearby city has grown. The services exist now. My personal experience gives me insight into what to watch for. Knowing my family history, with a hubsnerd who has the supportive role mostly down pat, gives us a head start if she starts to show signs of being like me or some of her paternal aunties.

I've been keeping very up to date with her doctor and pediatrician. I've had her in physio when she was slow to walk, and we begin speech therapy in a week and a half. Her name is in for occupational therapy, per the speech therapist, and we're set to start early childhood intervention this week.

My main goal as a parent is to raise a child who is better equipped to face the world when she becomes an adult than I was. I will do everything in my power to provide her a full suite of coping mechanisms and the engrained knowledge that it is okay to seek help when you need it. Luckily, we live in Canada, so by keeping on top of things, we have access to help without going bankrupt.

She could have the same problems I do, but it is not inevitable. She is the one who will find out if having an excellent support system from a young age is enough to make a difference. And by all that has ever been considered Holy on this planet, I hope it is.

 

[rebekah62]

@creationmakessense Same, we know our current LO and future LOs are likely to have it, just based on genetics, but there's so many more resources and information about it. We know we'll be able to do better for our children than our parents could, and we also will be able to emphasize with them.

We both have also just always wanted to be parents, we were called motherhens and papa bears to younger cousins and niblings for years.

 

[creationmakessense]

@arishin Sometimes depression and anxiety stem from physical issues. The brain is like any other organ in that it can get sick. Prime example is if he was showing signs of a malfunctioning pancreas. That can indicate diabetes, and you'd have it checked.

A lot of people do not realise there are other physical issues that have symptoms of depression, anxiety, and intrusive thoughts. The first thing that comes to mind is thyroid. My friend's thyroid levels were off so slightly that the doctor kept ignoring her concerns until it started to swell for no apparent reason. As soon as she got on the meds, all the symptoms alleviated at least a little, including the depression.

The point of my comment is to remind you that a depressed kid is not always a reflection of your parenting. Sometimes, it is the bodies way of making its illness known. As such, you don't need to feel like it might be an impugnment against your parenting because there is a distinct possibility it is nothing of the sort.

Regardless of the cause, though, if your child is expressing suicidal ideations, whether or not you think he has a good reason for them, get him professional help. A physical checkup to be sure it's not a side effect of something else, and someone to help with the mental side of things as well.

Suicide rates are on the rise across the world. This is an article from last year stating that there is a 5 fold increase in the US alone. That's just one country.

I've lost too many extended family members who apparently had it all going for them to suicide. The youngest was 19, not a month out of high school, excited to be accepted into the program of his choice at some college, apparently on top of the world. Now he's dead, and because I found out about his grad too late to get time off for his party, he doesn't know how very proud of him I was.

Don't run the risk. If the child is expressing suicidal ideations, take him seriously. Doing otherwise is a potentially deadly thing to do; quite literally, the "tear your family apart" kind of deadly.

I apologise for how dire my comment has gone, but I've known far too many people who died of suicide, some younger than my cousin. It took an excellent support system to get me the help I needed before it became me. I have a decent life, alright family, great friends, and very little obvious reason for my mental health to have gotten so bad. But it did. And timely intervention saved me from that fate. Please get him that intervention.

 

[blackakira]

@arishin Omg hes literally asking for it. Just fucjong send him to fuckong therapy and stop overthinking it.

 

[lostsheep55]

@arishin Why should he feel grateful towards you? He didn’t ask to be born.

 

[jayy18]

@arishin He might benefit from seeing a therapist.

I’m guessing that social media is influencing his view of his world.

 

[truthtomenow]

@arishin I'll be really honest. You used trigger words in your post that make it seem as if you are the source of his issues. Are you yourself personally in therapy? The greatest gift my parents ever could have given me was to go to therapy and of course they did not. Look up "identified patient." When the focus is on one person in the family instead of the whole family system that in and of itself is problematic.