Help: My 10yo son is a relentless downer

[mrcarl38]

@arishin People aren’t just depressed or down because they don’t have everything they’ve ever wanted. This actually might make him feel even more so and alienated because he probably things that he SHOULD BE HAPPY AND NORMAL.

Do not ignore it. He is showing signs. Please take what he says about therapy into consideration.

 

[jencrow2451]

@arishin anger at his ingratitude is understandable, but counterproductive. My mom yelling "sometimes I think you WANT to be sad" at me while i lay on the floor grieving a dead friend comes to mind. I won't ever not resent her behavior in that moment.

Traumatic events aside, not everyone observes the world and says "yes, this is all good and I belong here." and literally no one asked to be born. When I honestly look at humanity, the urge to say "life is beautiful" or "burn it all down" are equally valid, by my approximation.

This kid is telling you he's having trouble seeing the good parts. PLEASE believe him. I've dealt with depression since like age 7. I've spent the majority of my life WAITING for when it feels good, and at 31, have seen only glimpses of contentment. Finding peace only in sleep is a hallmark of the disease.

Kids don't just say this shit for attention. it sounds like he's begging for help. He may mask his symptoms in school to ease things socially, and come to you honestly because you're trustworthy. it's your job as a parent to HEAR him. Do not dismiss what he's telling you. Counseling and medication can help, but at the very least, he needs someone to talk to who he doesn't feel judged by.

 

[jcissaviour]

@arishin Man, my 10 y/o has been in therapy since she was 5. There's no minimum age for therapy. It's not an issue, if he's asking for therapy, and saying the things he's saying, you should have been had him in therapy.

I'm not shaming you, not everyone was raised to believe that therapy can help, but I can tell you that as someone in the therapy profession, please get him help.

 

[knightmoves]

@arishin I have suffered from depression since childhood. The first time I attempted suicide I was eight years old. Mental illness is not being ungrateful, it's an actual medical condition, please get your child to a therapist, he is crying out for help and you are making him keep at gratitude journal, no offense, but that's how you end up with a dead kid.

 

[mariyafrankjon]

@arishin You know what my Dad said when I told him I was depressed in my second year of uni?

"You're not depressed, you just need a good kick up the arse."

He died one and a half years ago now, and he went to his grave without me forgiving him for that statement. I will go to my own grave without forgiving him for it. I will certainly never forget it.

 

[danzou]

@arishin Oh no…this sweet boy is waving a LOT of red flags desperately in your face. You need to be willing to see them.

Anytime a person states that they want to die, regardless of their age, you must take it seriously. Children are dying by suicide at younger and younger ages. Please don’t assume your boy doesn’t know what to do to end his life…all he has to do is go on the internet for practically step-by-step instructions.

Please, please find a therapist for your son ASAP. Honestly, if he is regularly staying things like, “I wish I were never born,” “I would rather just stay asleep,” and the like — I would immediately begin reaching out to a pediatric psychiatrist. There is no way you can be to safe with your child’s mental health.

 

[twocreast]

@arishin Depression isn't a joke. A lot of people with seemingly "great" lives can be severely depressed. It's not something they can control, it's literally their brain chemistry fighting them.

 

[blueskies001]

@arishin It has already been said so many times by other commenters but it seems worth reinforcing...please get your son into therapy. Immediately. He is spelling it out for you.

 

[boy16boy]

@arishin PLEASE get him into therapy ASAP.

This poor kid. He’s clearly miserable and asking for the exact help he needs.

Please, please help him

 

[biodun]

@arishin Omg listen to him and have him start therapy.

 

[jessytimothy]

@arishin This sounds like depression. Please take him to a therapist before you lose him. I have had students who talked like that and I tired to get parents on board for a therapist, but they refused. Until there was a suicide attempt.

Your son is crying for help. Please get him professional help.

 

[katrina2017]

@arishin Other commenters recommend therapy. I agree.

Additionally, do you let him have access to social media in any large measure? If you do, I recommend you cut him off cold turkey (even Youtube and online gaming).

 

[cechols]

@arishin Get over yourself this isn't the 80's and 90's where we put everything under the rug. PUT HIM IN THERAPY and while you're at it yourself too because it's obvious you need it if you think your son is doing it for attention.

 

[harrisd83]

@arishin Take him to a doctor for a full checkup to rule out health issues and then find him a therapist. Even though you are his mother, he made a a trained professional to help him. Sometimes you can say something 100x and your kid won’t hear it but if he hears it from someone else, he finally understands.

There are mental health issues where you believe no one likes you. it causes a very skewed sense of reality. Get him the help now so he can have a good foundation before puberty kicks in.

 

[corey7973]

@arishin As a teen who went through depression, suicidal ideation, attempts, etc. I told my mom I needed help and even went with her to her own Dr. appointment because she was dealing with depression after my papa’s suicide. I had been dealing with these feelings for a long time. I looked her in the eyes, urging her to bring me up in any way to the doctor, and she just carried on and said NOTHING.
To say I was crushed was an understatement. I felt so utterly betrayed by her because I was very close to her up until then. My relationship with her changed dramatically. I grew to hate her. I couldn’t even stand to hear her voice, and I would visibly cringe and flinch at her speaking. It made my depression so much worse. Because how can your own mom just brush something so serious off? I was taking sleeping pills every night, slowly increasing how many each night because I didn’t hurt when I was asleep, or better yet, dead.
It’s been over 15 years, and things are better, but they’ll never be completely healed from that. I’ve told my oldest (11M) the gist of what I felt when I was younger and told him if he EVER felt like that that he could always come to me to talk or get help or whatever he needed, because I never want him to ever feel, what I felt towards my mom, towards me. That would crush me all over again. But please, if he has said this more than once, please take it seriously. It’s not worth the risk. God bless you and your boy.

 

[dusht]

@arishin In addition to therapy, something you can do to help him is to give him real responsibilities within his abilities and interests.

Perhaps he is capable of planning your next family vacation. You give him constraints and let him go. For example, our budget is $X, our days off are Y to Z, we can handle this many miles of driving to get to the destination, and we'd all really appreciate it if you try to do something each of us will like at least once. He can plan National Parks and camping or hotels and museums or an amusement park or anything he wants to (and perhaps can use fewer days if necessary to stay within constraints).

If that doesn't seem feasible, maybe he can plan the grocery shopping or maybe he can coordinate chores for the family. Giving him both authority and responsibility can make a big difference in his self-confidence.

Another thing you can do that may be more effective than a gratitude journal would be an observation journal with prompts you change. Maybe come up with 7 prompts for 7 weekdays with occasional additional prompts. Perhaps something like "notice something you can genuinely compliment", them talk about how that comes naturally for some people, but he may need to work at it. Maybe an additional prompt would be "earn a C or lower on a quiz at school", then talk about the kids who earn Cs all the time and that almost all of them will grow up into productive, good people, how grades are not always a good source of self-worth, but that it can be hard to recognize good sources of self-worth in a society like ours.

I give these suggestions because I had some similarities to him and I learned a lot of useful things on my own after too long because of my own reflections, but guided reflections would have really helped me, and because the most life-changing thing for me was a big trip that I planned at 16 and my parents trusted me...they didn't double-check, but were there to help when things outside my control went wrong and I was stranded (cancelled flight). I think I would have been a lot better off if I could have planned a trip five years earlier!

 

[arishin]

@dusht Thank you for this. I am definitely hearing all the comments and I am making “figure out therapy” my biggest to-do right now. But I’m also desperate to hear what I can do in my interactions with him, or his interactions with the family, that can help. This comment gives me a lot of food for thought.

 

[sadnlost]

@arishin This is exactly when he needs therapy. If he has these thoughts BEFORE teenage hormones turn them into big feelings, he's going to need help coping or he could die.

 

[william67]

@arishin My 11 year old sister is the same way and I’ve told my stepmom and my dad to put her in therapy but they refuse. I actually told them do put all their 3 kids in therapy because my parents are not the best parents and are borderline abusive yet they don’t cause they think they don’t need it and don’t want to look like bad parents to the rest of the family. What could you loose? Just put him in therapy because this isn’t normal!

 

[marshmelly]

@arishin Much has already been said.

My kid is not like that in all areas, but often times he is ready to give up quickly if he doesn't get it right away and he's quick to call himself stupid, which is completely untrue.

One thing I've done is to post a list of positive affirmations right across from the toilet. That way, he can read it multiple times a day and I'm hoping that some of it will stick in the long run. Maybe something like that would be beneficial for your son, too?

Our Affirmations include (roughly translated, we're in Germany)

- Challenges are fun and help me to grow.

- Not yet knowing how to do something does not mean I can't do it.

- When I'm learning new things, mistakes are part of the process.

- When I get tired, I don't give up. I take a break.