Help me grieve/get over this

[putri]

@danielson0101 This is so hard. I can empathize because this is almost my exact scenario, with the only difference being that we did start IVF for another and had a miscarriage first round, unsuccessful second round, and he finally admitted a week before starting the third he couldn’t do it anymore. I agreed, but, yeah, it’s hard.

To be honest with you, if you are logically on board, then I really think it takes time and focusing on your grief and healing. I also logically agreed it was the right choice for us, but it has taken time for my heart to catch up. This summer it will be two years since we made that decision and I’m okay with it most days. There are moments that are hard, but I am secure in our choice.

I described it like this to him a couple of weeks ago when I asked he go ahead and consider a vasectomy since we are not using any birth control currently, “I will always hold some grief over the child we didn’t have. For the rest of my life there will be moments that it is painful. But I also know with absolute certainty that I do not want to be pregnant again and I do not want to raise a baby again. I can feel both ways at the same time.”

It just took time to get to where I was comfortable holding both emotions simultaneously. Time and therapy.

This group also helped a lot. Hearing others’ experiences and doing some of exercises you’ll see recommended. Like making a list of positives of having an only and revisiting it in the hard moments.

Wishing you well. I know how hard this is. Give yourself time on this journey and grieve the way you need to. It’s an added wound when you feel like infertility is part of why you don’t have the family you’d envisioned for yourself. Hugs!

 

[mrstefanofietsj]

@danielson0101 I wish I could answer this for you.. awaiting others’ replies along with you. But just here to say.. solidarity . I had my daughter through three rounds of IUI. She’s 2 now and recently had a late TMFR at 26 weeks. Prior to that I had two miscarriages and almost lost my life after birthing my daughter. After this latest loss we decided it’s not worth it. My physical and mental health have been through the trenches and this resent loss has been the hardest to bare. But I still have guilt.. not giving my daughter a sibling, what will I say when she’s old enough to ask?

I’m not sure what the right answer is. I’m not sure if I’ll change my mind and regret it later - like you.

Just here to say I’m with you. And I’m sorry you’re having to decide this.

 

[taylor71998]

@danielson0101 You need to take the time to grieve what you thought would be. Then you can take the time to focus on what is.

The truth is, if you had another child, they wouldn't be exactly like your current child. Especially if your first was easy? You don't typically get that twice in a row with kids, lol. I think some grief counseling could really help you, if you're in the position to pursue it.

 

[sniffaroo]

@danielson0101 You don’t need to “get over” such a big decision right away, grief fades slowly over time. It’s ok to be sad about something and still feel it’s the right decision.

 

[alivemary]

@danielson0101 Therapy helped me immensely, dealing with a loss of the idea of the family we wanted. We are not by choice, my body couldn't. Either way, I think it's super helpful to talk to someone that can give you coping mechanisms for your particular situation.

It's coming up on a year since we stopped, our only is 4 and it does get easier. We try to focus on the positive of having an only when it does get tough. We can both go to his events together, we can split up playtime and tag each other in and out so we get breaks, we can all sit together on an airplane, no more buying diapers or formula and we're almost done wiping butts. Lol.

I hope you are able to work through this and hopefully your husband realizes this is hard for you. My husband and I went to therapy together because this is something that happened to both of us, not just me.

 

[unman87]

@danielson0101 It's not a decision that you will ever accept, and I can tell you from experience that there will be moments when you feel awful about it. I'm grieving with it more than my wife- she is pretty much of the same mindset as your husband.

The honest truth is that you can't force something to happen that isn't natural and you don't want to spend your life chasing it when you already have a child that needs you. One of my wife's friends tried IVF for over 5 years. She became obsessed with it and even went to Germany for an alternative fertilization treatment. She has spent God knows how much money and wasted a lot of time.

On a positive note, with one child you really can have a special relationship. I spend a lot of time with my daughter. We play games together, sports, and I have started taking her to concerts with me. I look at it as playing the role of father and friend and because of that we have a really tight relationship. I'm not sure it would be like if we had multiple kids.

Hope this helps and If you need someone to talk to, you can PM me as well.

 

[radio2dago]

@danielson0101 Your feelings are completely valid! I know it feels so conflicting to decide to be done but still mourn the loss. We made the decision to be done, and I am fully on board with our decision but I still am so sad at the thought of our embryos that aren't being used.
I like to focus instead on the life we are living. The travel plans we have, the ability to focus on our daughter and really spend time with her when she is having a hard time or is sick, and even take time for ourselves when we need a moment to recover or are sick. We did decided to store our embryos for a couple more years, until I'm 40 just to give ourselves that extra flexibility, but we know we are one and done at this time.

 

[kevineskay]

@danielson0101 Sending you all the love. I am also 38 and although we didn’t undergo IVF, we’ve made the decision to remain OAD permanent. For me it’s a little more difficult. Mostly for financial reasons - we cannot afford a second child. I’m still grieving the second child I sometimes imagine us with.

Over time, I think you’ll adjust and embrace the benefits and the beauty of a OAD family.

 

[srracing]

@danielson0101 Just solidarity. We're not done trying yet, but I only plan to give it another year because the limbo is really tough. When I think about the possibility that we may be done with one, I fantasize about all the things we'll be able to do and all the experiences we'll give our potential only.

 

[rafiek]

@danielson0101 I was in this situation four years ago. We were about to try donor eggs - even had a donor picked out and had made the first payment- when the pandemic hit. We were forced to take a break. And that’s when it hit us how badly the stress of trying had eaten away at us, and it just wasn’t worth it to keep trying. It wasn’t an easy choice for me - I went through a lot of grief. Therapy helped. I learned to separate my grief for the family I’d wanted/the embryos I’d lost from the decision to quit. It’s ok to grieve - that doesn’t mean you made the wrong choice. I really leaned into the freedom and relief I felt at not having to go through those f-ing treatments any more. As the years have passed, I’ve felt better and better about the decision to quit. Of course I still sometimes miss the second child we never had. But it doesn’t hurt as much now. Sending hugs - it does get better, I promise!

 

[kop3940]

@danielson0101 Sorry to hear about your grief. I conceived my son through IVF and just went through another round that ended with miscarriage at 10 weeks. My husband and I had agreed that we will not go through the emotional turmoil of another round of IVF so we are one and done. So I completely understand this grief and sadness when the decision sinks in. What has helped me a lot, as suggested by my therapist, was really living my life with the identity of a family of three and see how I feel going about the day to day activities and enjoying the moment (we decorated our walls with big portraits of 3 of us as a family for example and really taking advantage of participating in classes for my son together) . This has helped me tremendously to really savour the time I have with my son and envision a future with just the 3 of us. I still have moments of doubt and questions, but focusing on the here and now has made it easier for me to be happy on my current path.

It is very hard, I hope you find some peace through your grief

 

[evangelical]

@danielson0101 I will be in the same decision making boat as you in a year or two. We have an amazing almost four month old son, and I’ve only got one more retrieval covered by insurance. I’m not sure we want to try for another because IVF is such an emotional process. What if none of our embryos make it to blast? What if none make it through PGT? And then there was my not so fun pregnancy and c-section.

Right now all I can think is that I’ll regret if we don’t try, but I also don’t know that I want to if it may not work. I feel your pain and am not looking forward to making the decision either—I’m sure these are all things you thought about. I wish I had advice, but like the other commenter, just solidarity.

 

[aleksandros]

@danielson0101 It will come up in the future, but at least for me I was always too busy with other stuff to spend much time with regret.

When you have rough days acknowledge them and move on. Honestly you probably won't even have to.

The hardest part is making a decision. The rest will follow. It really does get easier.

 

[jc4me]

@danielson0101 So from someone going through kind of the same thing.
Only I can’t carry myself so we created our embryos for someone else to carry.

We knew going into this that we couldn’t do it more than once. And I felt if we even got one miracle child I’d be happy with that.
Plus we had always talked about one and done. But my husband admits if we could afford it he’d want to do it again. We had 4 healthy embryos. My daughter was the 3rd transfer. So we had one girl left. We paid for storage for a year. The whole year I was saying we can’t keep paying because of how much it was. My husband was having the issue of letting go.

Then right before the next payment we chose to discard the embryo. I cried a lot. My husband was at a point where he accepted it. It was soooo hard mentally. But it’s been a year since we did it and honestly we’re so happy with one. I can give her all the attention she needs and wants. It’s easier on everything. Financially we can do soooo much with one kid.

 

[discombobulated1]

@danielson0101 Similar situation over here, except we haven’t quite decided yet. I’m 37F and we have 2 embryos still frozen, meanwhile our living child turns 5 in a few months. It’s so tough! Especially since my parents had to do fertility treatments to have me, and I’m their only as well (they were 38 and 39 after TTC for over 5 years, and my mom said by the time they tried a few IUIs when I was close to 2, her parents’ health was declining and she had to quit her job and become their full time caregiver for the next 15 years, so nope).

 

[kop3940]

@danielson0101 Sorry to hear about your grief. I conceived my son through IVF and just went through another round that ended with miscarriage at 10 weeks. My husband and I had agreed that we will not go through the emotional turmoil of another round of IVF so we are one and done. So I completely understand this grief and sadness when the decision sinks in. What has helped me a lot, as suggested by my therapist, was really living my life with the identity of a family of three and see how I feel going about the day to day activities and enjoying the moment (we decorated our walls with big portraits of 3 of us as a family for example and really taking advantage of participating in classes for my son together) . This has helped me tremendously to really savour the time I have with my son and envision a future with just the 3 of us. I still have moments of doubt and questions, but focusing on the here and now has made it easier for me to be happy on my current path.

It is very hard, I hope you find some peace through your grief

 

[soosh8005]

@danielson0101 I’ve always wondered in these situations is fostering/adopting not on the table at all?

But that aside… grieve it. It’s a big shift in mentality to go from “we’re trying” to “we’re done” and especially being done with an outcome you didn’t necessarily want. It’s okay to not be okay. I hope you’ll find peace in the decision eventually. But for now it’s okay to feel the way you do. Talk to a professional if you need to!

 

[hw23]

@danielson0101 ARE YOU ME? I have been grieving this week deciding to not use our 2 frozen embryos and I am done. I am so done crying and I want to move past this chapter once and for all. $700 storage bill and it’s only going up, only to remind me.

I plan to work with children or volunteer more as I get older and my son gets older if I feel a need to fill that gap. You can still influence and help kids that aren’t yours!

 

[amazingorange]

@danielson0101 For me personally I believe I will grieve for the rest of my life, but I am trying my best to be okay with that. Of course I will grieve the one thing I ever wanted in life and I give myself permission to. I won't force myself to get over it, but I will allow myself to accept it over time. I'm just being kind to myself and letting my mind work through the motions. Some days are harder than others, but for the most part I'm okay. I count my blessings and remind myself of the reasons we cannot have another, then practice extra self care during the hard moments. One day at a time.

 

[sicky12]

@danielson0101 I could have written this. We also had this talk last night- and I cried all night. I’m definitely grieving. Just wanted to share you’re not alone and I’m glad you made this post to remind me there’s others going through this as well