Help coping with the judgement

[onetech]

@katrina2017 Goals!

We’re expecting #4 out in Plainfield, and I already know we’re going to get funny looks. (We’re loosely planning about six kids!) I love the opportunity to say “full hands, full hearts.”

The kids don’t want for anything here, either. We’ve got the time, money and patience, so what’s one more?

 

[quirkycanuck]

@carlee I don’t understand how every boomer in my family has four+ siblings but won’t stop asking me aRe YoU dONe HaViNg KiDs YeT?!?

 

[onetech]

@quirkycanuck My grandpa scoffed when we were talking about maybe having another kid (we had three at the time.) He asked incredulously, “what are you going to do, have six kids?” Funny enough, we’re loosely planning to have six. We turned it around on him, and now double down and laugh about having six kids. Number four is cooking right now, so I guess we’ll wait and see how many we end up with.

 

[quirkycanuck]

@onetech We always get really religious about it which makes people uncomfortable. “We are open to any of the lives God blesses us with.” stares

 

[carlee]

@quirkycanuck Right?

 

[thandeka]

@carlee Unfortunately the responses you are anticipating are too common. The bad jokes, snide remarks, and even sincere concern from friends and family are not what we wanted. It is very difficult welcoming a child into a family when there is not a lot of joy coming from loved ones.

When we find out we were having our 5th, I felt the same way. In the early months of the pregnancy, I listened to a lot of the negativity. We were visiting some family friends and as I was talking with an older neighbor who loved giving me a hard time about the size of our family, he pulled me aside. He said he envied us and that he'd wished they could have had more. He told me they lost a couple pregnancies and that you never regret the kids you have. This really stuck with me, so much that we had a sixth, and it was the best thing that ever happened to our family.

From one large family to another, we wish you the best. Congratulations!

 

[carlee]

@thandeka Thank you!

 

[johnsdani]

@carlee You should read Captain Awkward's blog on how to share news with people who suck. What you want is to set the tone in such a massive way that they are just swept along with it. "Hey I just wanted to let you know our GREAT news! We're having another baby and we're SO thrilled and so are all the kids and we knew you would be too so we wanted to let you know so you can celebrate with us! Won't it be great to get those newborn grand baby snuggles again? So there you are, you can say congratulations now!" In person or on the phone so you can sweep them away with your children's TV presenter levels of enthusiasm.

I have started replying to, "Wow, you have your hands full...." or "Wow, you must be busy..." with "YES! I love it!" and a huge smile. Ruins any snark they were attempting and gives the right message to my poor kids who are standing right next to me.

 

[onetech]

@johnsdani I need to embrace the “Yes I love it” response! We’re expecting number four, and I’m bracing myself for the snark.

 

[carlee]

@johnsdani Love this. I’ll Google that blog and then channel Emma Wiggle when I share the news!

 

[righteousnation]

@carlee So theres lots of choices in family size, whether you live your life alone or with a big family those choises are what they are for each of us, the important bits is to live with your own choices.

I find that I get upset when I to some degree agrees with someones snarky observation, whatever it might be.

The way to not get upset is simply to accept our own choice as the choice that was right for us at the time of making that choice, and so we enjoy the consequences of having made the choice.

If people get snarky at me for our number of kids, which is a lot for our area and time, i dont hear their snark but replies with some version of yes its absolutely wonderful and we are so excited.

 

[norsemen]

@carlee Sorry you're in that situation. The audacity of some people is absurd, to think they can tell you how many kids you should/shouldnt have. Before we told people we were expecting our third, an aunt of mine told me "i hope that's (my second kid) is your last one". I was so put off by her comment, i didnt tell her we were expecting until i couldnt physically hide it anymore. Why is it 'acceptable' to tell someone they should have less kids, but not more? Either way it's none of their business.

Edit; to be clear, i wasnt hiding my pregnancy, i just dont see that aunt often and i didnt go out of my way to tell her the news.

 

[carlee]

@norsemen Ick. It’s honestly appalling what some people think they should say out loud.

 

[simsodep8388]

@carlee Here's a quote I like

M]en were following, with bated breath, the march of Napoleon, and waiting with feverish impatience for the latest news of the wars. And all the while, in their own homes, babies were being born. But who could think about babies? Everybody was thinking about battles. . . .

n one year . . . between Trafalgar and Waterloo, there stole into the world a host of heroes! . . . in 1809. . . Gladstone was born at Liverpool; Alfred Tennyson was born at the Somersby rectory . . . Oliver Wendell Holmes made his first appearance at Massachusetts . . . and Abraham Lincoln drew his first breath at Old Kentucky. Music was enriched by the advent of Frederic Chopin at Warsaw, and of Felix Mendelssohn at Hamburg. . . Elizabeth Barrett Browning [was born] at Durham. . . . But nobody thought of babies. Everybody was thinking of battles. Yet. . . which of the battles of 1809 mattered more than the babies of 1809? . . .

We fancy that God can only manage His world by big battalions . . . when all the while He is doing it by beautiful babies. . . . When a wrong wants righting, or a work wants doing, or a truth wants preaching, or a continent wants opening, God sends a baby into the world to do it. That is why, long, long ago, a babe was born at Bethlehem. (F. W. Boreham, Mountains in the Mist: Some Australian Reveries [1919], 166-67, 170)

 

[bornmc]

@simsodep8388 I LOVE THAT

 

[carlee]

@simsodep8388 this is beautiful!

 

[simsodep8388]

@carlee There is nothing more precious than a human being. No job you could do, no award you could win, no book you could write, no YouTube channel you could sponsor, is worth more than the value of a human being. You are contributing something beautiful to the world and once you meet that precious little soul you will never regret it. People who make uninformed shallow comments about the carbon footprint have never really thought deeply about how much a single human could bless the entire planet. Even if that little person is never famous, he or she will bring joy to all of your other children and to you. If you raise them to be kind and honest, their love for others will ripple outward in ways that cannot be quantified during this lifetime. There are many pockets of people who will be supportive for you, particularly in communities of faith who believe that God sends souls for a reason. You don't have to belong to their church to feel their support and love. Find a mops group (mothers of preschoolers) , often sponsored by a protestant church. Or ask some Latter-Day Saint or Catholic ladies if you can join their playgroups. In many of these circles five children is not so many, and frankly you may likely also find friends more easily if you move toward the center of the country and away from the two coasts. So many people on the east and west coast think more than two is absurd but that's because they have become lost in materialism and cramped by urban housing and brainwashed to think that corporate profitability is the highest goal.

In the long view of history, you are the normal one and all of the people who cut their families off at two are the abnormal ones. It was only two generations ago that everybody was in a family at least that big or bigger. Those social support networks were hugely valuable then and they still are now. People who have many siblings have a lot of support even after parents have gone. If you feel like you don't have as many resources for each child, remember that you are giving to each of your children another lifelong friend who will be there long after you have gone.

Yes it may curtail your earning potential for a while, but did you really want your life to be about money? Nah, love is better.

 

[neenaneena]

@simsodep8388 Thank you for this. I'm an only child who didn't like being an only, and who wanted to marry and have a big family. But as it turned out, I was never able to find a husband nor have a child. I hang out on the only child subreddit to connect with others who understand where I come from, and because the whole topic of siblings vs. onlies interests me, but it's a mixed bag on that subreddit. You would not believe how much sentiment these days leans towards "one and done," often for superficial and materialistic reasons. And how people want onlies to say it was wonderful to help them justify not trying to have a sibling for their little one because they just don't really want to even when they have the means financially, healthwise, etc. Your sentiments here are a breath of fresh air. Thank you for them.

 

[carlee]

@simsodep8388 I love emphasizing the social support network aspect. My mom is a big fan of the NYT, NPR, and other progressive publications that tend to have a slight antinatalist bent. However, I know that a “lack of social support networks” is ironically a huge talking point in a lot of those circles so maybe she will latch onto that and see it from another perspective

 

[johnsdani]

@simsodep8388 I second finding a Catholic playgroup. I have never felt more relaxed about my family than when surrounded by Catholic mums with three big ones running around, a toddler clinging to their knees and a baby on their hip. Many churches run toddler groups and welcome siblings of all ages and you don't have to be Catholic at all.