Help coping with the judgement

[carlee]

Hello!

I’m somewhat unexpectedly pregnant with baby #5. We have 4 already, 2 boys and 2 girls and thought we were done and taking precautions to prevent more. Well, surprise!

After a late night breakdown on the living room floor upon seeing the positive pregnancy test, I’ve more or less come to terms with this and am slowly feeling tiny bits of hope and excitement, because I never thought I’d hold another of my own newborns again.

However, I’m dreading telling people, especially my parents. Our families already think we are crazy for having four kids, and my mom has been making offhand comments about how families shouldn’t have too many kids since my 4th was born. It’s as though she thinks we are the Duggars or something, despite the fact that she also grew up in a family of four and liked her family!

We are (so blessedly) financially secure, own our home, and I think we take good care of our kids. Our kids are all happy and healthy and fun. There’s no reason for any concern, except maybe concern for my husband and I that we are kind of tired (lol)

But it seriously seems like people make negative comments simply because we are having more than average number of kids. Like, just because it’s outside of “normal” and not cause there is any problem.

Have you been unfairly judged for your large family? How do you handle it without getting upset?

 

[jackk123]

@carlee This is something I struggle with too. I'm a mom of 6 (5 girls and a row and a boy). People assume we kept trying for a boy but we weren't. We actually thought it was a girl and was excited for that. But was surprised it was a boy. I sometimes play into the yep we kept trying for a boy. But its not true. We just kept growing our family. I've learned when you let them get to you it's just worse for you. Because if someone says "Wow, you finally got your boy!" and you say "Yes we did!" Then it just opens the door for more. Then I get hit with this next...they say "So you're done now right?" Seriously just got this question last night at Walmart. And it just makes it feel so out of place. I'm thinking it's best to have your one response ready to combat all the snarky comments or better yet don't respond at all. We aren't obligated to respond to people. They are strangers after all. And weren't we taught we shouldn't talk to strangers? LOL. It might work in our favor though, seriously. I'm learning silence is a super power in itself. No comment might be the best comment yet after all.

PS - our baby boy was everything we didn't know we needed. We're all obsessed with him and I don't know how I ever lived without him.

 

[carlee]

@jackk123 Thanks, I love your story!

 

[renee77]

@carlee Honestly a lot of stares and even negative comments from a place of envy/jealousy.

Nearly every couple/family I know has fewer children than they wanted whether it's due to fertility challenges, finances, fear, careers, mental/physical health, material restrictions (housing size, vehicle size), etc.

 

[renee77]

@carlee 'More smiles and giggles. More hugs and kisses. One more to love!'

 

[hekter]

@carlee So happy reading everyone’s comments. We are pregnant with our 4th (just found out today) and literally two days ago I had to listen to the scoff of disgust when he told his grandmother we had been trying for another and want more kids. All I have heard over the last two years is how it stresses everyone else out that we decide to have more kids (makes zero sense) we just want to give our kids the love and family that we didn’t have growing up. I think it’s God’s greatest blessing and I’m glad there are others out there who feel the same. I hardly ever see anyone around where we live who have more than 3 kids.

 

[kprw16]

@hekter No judgement. I think I might give some perspective.

To be clear I wouldn't want to impose my view or goals in life on another person, and I also get happy when other folks get to live the life they want.

So you know how being a teen can be really challenging? There are emotions to work through. Social anxiety kicks off. Suddenly teens have to work through friendships and romantic feelings.

There is also economic and academic things to work through. Like what does a teen want to grow up to be? What classes they need to take to get there? Extra curricular, ect.

All this makes for some challenging times durring the transition from teen to adult. Even outside of logistics and the cost of sports and clubs, it's a pretty intense emotional journey to parent a teen through too.

I think folks "do the math" in their head in regards to the school run, homework, one-on-one time, ect. Some parents are super-heros, but most folks are pretty normal. Like if a couple is bringing in $200k/year, a bunch of kids probably isn't much of a challenge. If problems come up, a nanny/house-cleaner/take-out will probably cover the gaps.

I think for most folks though, more kids can require more money, and that can make things tight. And having a child isn't a decision that can be taken back.

That's not to say it's impossible or wrong, just that it comes with consequences and trade-offs. Like, school clothes might not always be the most stylish. And they might get asked why they don't have such-n-such item.

Unfortunately, like a lot of things in life, things can go well and be beautiful, but they also can be difficult and rough.

I think folks get to a certain amount of kids and think "OK, I can manage this amount. Even if things get a little sideways, it'll be ok."

Since kids are so dependent on adults, and it's socially a pretty frowned upon to be discovered to have neglected or mess up as a parent (all parents mess up, it's just a matter to fixing things), they are weary of taking on more, even though they want to.

 

[carlee]

@hekter Congratulations! It’s absurd that people feel inconvenienced by their family’s children. Awful. And in my family, without cause because in my 8 years of parenting, I think I have asked my mom and dad for childcare help about 4 times, and my brother watched my kids a couple times. These were all in one-off emergency type situations, not routine. We’ve also never asked anyone for money. It’s crazy how put out people act by us having kids. It can only affect them either positively, or not at all. Happy for you! I liked the transition from 3-4.

 

[babygems]

@carlee Speaking as someone with a midsize family, if I’m ever quiet or unenthusiastic when a large family announces, it’s mostly because I’m jealous!

 

[bornmc]

@carlee I feel like I could have written your post.
We have 5 and had our last 3 back to back…to back. 2.5 years I think.
We had a lot of really blatantly rude comments when we had our 4th. Constant reassurances of, “but you’re done right?”

When we told about our 5th, you would have thought someone died and I am not being overly dramatic. It was the sourest room with the most puckered faces. You could read the thoughts their eyes were saying to each other. Also was my husband’s surprise 41st birthday party. While the news was still fresh they were asking, so you’re done now right ? Right?
I’m saying this as I’m nursing my most lovable baby yet with the squishiest cheeks and most wonderful rolls. My heart just pours out for this little boy.
I had the same reaction you did when we found out and I regret that I let those thoughts take away any joy I could have had upon finding out we had created another precious child.
We also knew that my in laws were just going to have a time with it and I felt so very weak. We are also Catholic and I have a really hard time with them and maintaining peace and being charitable. I was also feeling very vulnerable mentally and physically having had another child so quickly. So for the sake of keeping the relationship with his family, my health and hoping not to give into stress and the possibility of a miscarriage, we opted to wait to tell his family.
We did however tell our church Family who was so very supportive and understanding and really, it was all that love that we received from them that boosted us up so we could tell all those who would react with anything less than joy upon hearing about the news of our love incarnate.

They gave us the strength to bear my in laws reactions.
If waiting until you get to a better headspace is what you have to do, do it. You’re not on a timeline, you’re in no rush and their feelings are not your responsibility.

I do not give anyone the ability to say anything negative about my children and their existence.

I ooze with joy and happiness anytime a stranger or anyone comments anything that could possibly begin to become negative and at most it will turn into a, “good for you,” or a “my sister has 5, or I’m one of 4 and that was enough etc.”

My Children are a product of the love in my marriage and a blessing to us. No one has the right to intrude on that innermost happiness it brings me because i don’t let them. The more you believe in that, the more you exude it and the less people intuitively feel they can say about your family.

Oddly enough, The only negative things I have ever been told about my children have only come from my family.

Don’t let anyone steal your joy.

Focus on your baby growing inside you and all the love it will bring and all those little things you love about having a new baby. Think about all the things you didn’t get to do with the others and hope you might probably, maybe, possibly be able to do it with this one. Start looking at baby clothes and pull out old hand me down favorites or thinking about baby names and begin building a relationship with this new baby.

Build yourself up to a point that you’re so formidable that nothing anyone says can tear you down.

 

[carlee]

@bornmc Thank you. I am going to screenshot and save this comment. (Actually this whole thread). I am going to reread this when I feel scared or weak or overwhelmed. This is so very, very encouraging. God bless you and your beautiful family

 

[bornmc]

@carlee Look to the Lord in everything, God bless you and your growing family!

 

[rpggamer]

@carlee We have six children and started getting negative family responses after the third. My husband and I were a little taken aback by the reaction. We weren't expecting them to be excited or happy or really anything. But for them to go out of their way to bring negativity to our situation.....it was a hard pass for us. We just ignore them and limit interactions with those family members. My favorite experience with a stranger though was when we were at a hardware store with our 6th when he was a month or two old. An older man stopped us and smiled at us and told us, "don't stop". We assumed he meant don't stop having kids. So we chuckled and told him the baby was our 6th. His eyes got big and he backed away from us saying, "surely you can't be serious". When we told him we were for real, he just shook his head and walked away.

If you dread telling people....don't. They'll figure it out eventually. Spread the good news to those who support you and forget the rest.

 

[carlee]

@rpggamer Omg I can’t believe that stranger! Good advice though. I keep joking we should just show up at my parents house with a newborn and be like, “can’t send it back now!”

 

[bornmc]

@carlee A la Paris Hilton She had a baby via surrogacy and introduced him to her mom as a newborn.

 

[knightofchrist85]

@carlee Taking four kids on vacation, and someone asked me if I had figured out why that kept happening, pointing to the kids. I responded with “Figured it out? I’ve mastered it!”

 

[onetech]

@knightofchrist85 My husband likes to say, “we figured it out, and we’re good at it!” We’re expecting number 4, and he landed on that answer when jokingly asked that question by a coworker who also has 4 kids.

Edit to add- I always say “we sure did, and it’s FUN!” Makes people slightly uncomfortable, and reminds them they’re being invasive.

 

[bornmc]

@onetech I’ve gotten the comment, “don’t you have a tv?” And I’ve responded with, “if watching TV is better, then you’re doing it wrong.” To which they were appalled at my brashness.
I think I only had 3 at that point.

 

[lostandconfused90]

@knightofchrist85 Queen!

 

[katrina2017]

@carlee I am #1 of 10. My wife is #11 of 12. We have 6 kids in Chicago and our family definitely turns heads anywhere we go. We get rude comments and questions all the time. I’ve learned to ignore it. I love the “your hands are full” comment because it gives me the opportunity to respond “so are our hearts.” Much like you, we are solidly upper middle class and my children need for nothing. I wish people would keep their judgment to themselves.