He’s making me so mad

[peter20178]

Update - His therapist emailed last night telling me about her concerns. I tried to talk to him about it and he exploded. Once he calmed down my husband talked to him and it’s very obvious that the GF is in charge. Every comment started with “Maia said”. So, I’m done being the bad guy that he thinks I am. He’s asked for things from me, I help him get what he asks for and when the GF says it’s not good enough or what she does, he comes after me for it. He’s asked for help in finding a job, I’m out. He can figure that out so when he doesn’t like it after a week, he can’t blame me. But let’s face it, no matter what I do I’ll still be blamed.

I have 4 teens, they are 16 and 17. I have always raised my kids to be respectful. You may not like a person but you still can be respectful if/when you ever need to speak to them.

I don’t have any issues with 3 out of the 4, but number 4 is really testing my patience. He’s been dealing with depression and anxiety and we’ve gotten him the help he needs. We’ve even gotten him the help he’s asked for. He hated the first therapist so we found another. He liked her until the girlfriend said something negative and now he wants to quit therapy. It’s a weekly argument to get him to go.

He asked to do guitar lessons. Great! Music soothes the soul. He liked his instructor until the girlfriend said something negative, now he’s the worst instructor ever and he wants to quit. He did reach out to a potential new instructor who is looking for a time to add him in. I’ve asked my son to hang in on the lessons until he can change over. That way he can continue practicing until the changes happen.

Last night he blew up at me for not letting him quit guitar. I reminded him I am letting him switch instructors so please hang on until a space opens up. Last night I found he took a sharpie to his sheets and had both mine and his dads name scribbled on the sheets calling us horrible names.

I just can’t do this anymore. The 3 siblings feel like they’re tiptoeing around him and his emotions. We’ve done what we could to help him and now we’re “F-ing Aholes, dickheads, ugly s_itheads” and so on. I don’t even want to look at him. He ruined Thanksgiving because we set a no cellphone rule while we ate. He was so mad that I wouldn’t let him text the GF for 30 minutes. We’ve already put in place that he will not go to the GF’s house on Christmas because we’ll be with family that we don’t see often.

I just don’t know what to do.

 

[truthsearcher63]

@peter20178 You have TWO 16-year old and TWO 17-year olds? God bless you.

 

[faith20175]

@peter20178 Oof. Sounds like the girlfriend is controlling and insecure and he's clinging to it. Do you ever hang out with her? How does she treat you?

How often does he get individualized attention from you/his other parent? Only reason I ask, I have 16 yo daughter who started spending a lot of time with her new boyfriend and realized the amount of time we spent together alone was dwindling. But once I started inviting him over and could see their dynamic I was able to start asking her why she accepts certain behaviors from him that seemed not healthy. It wasn't a cure, but helped open her eyes a bit.

 

[peter20178]

@faith20175 She’s only been over a few times because it’s hard for me or his dad to be home with them. She’s very sweet to me but I definitely get the sense that if I was in school with her, she’s not someone to turn my back to. I get the keep your friends close and enemies closer vibe. The siblings don’t like her and hear the stories about her from school.
I do think she’s controlling. The last time he had to be admitted to the ER for suicide watch I went through his phone to see if he sent a plan to anyone. Their conversations are very much dominated by her, he calls her mommy and she’s the one who puts the ideas into his head about how horrible people are after he’s formed his owned opinion. My husband called him out on it once and he blew up. Husband pointed out “you just said she thinks he’s a bad teacher and she doesn’t like him. Now you’ve gone from 2 days liking him to saying exactly what she’s said”. Blew up! Total denial about her saying anything

 

[jainty123]

@peter20178 I am the parent of a diagnosed bipolar/adhd/clinical depression/general anxiety disorder/PTSD 21 year old girl. I also have 15m and 12f.

Her teen years were absolutely spent with all of us walking on eggshells. At age 17 she was disrespectful and ugly all the time. She also wanted to quit ALL THE THINGS and Our psychiatrist suggested we let her experience natural consequences. So we let her quit piano and softball and she got a job.

She would go through my prescription medicines looking for illegal drugs, trying to find a way to put me in jail. She called the police one night while I was sleeping and my husband was out of town and she told them I had hit her.

She told them we were abusive, that we hate her, that she is not safe at our house.

Her psychiatrist told me to let her stay with that friend and eventually her parents would find out. What worked for us was two separate hospitalizations to get her psych meds stabilized. There are two because she lived pretty good for a while, then quit taking them again and had another psychotic break.

What worked with the disrespect at home was this: we set boundaries and absolutely never wavered. We told her that we would not pay for her phone or let her live with us if she was not on psych meds. She was almost homeless at one point, because she would get kicked out of all the places she was crashing. We did not let her come home until she was back on her meds. She eventually got a job she loves and is doing ok now, but this will be a forever fight.

He is a teen so give him freedom where he demands some but give him responsibility and stick to it. If he wants to be treated like an adult, he can act like one. Whatever boundaries you set, whether it be that he needs to pay his phone bill or clean his room or whatever, just be consistent. It’s the most important thing.

He has some life lessons to learn.

Another rule is that if she is rude or mean she does not get any rides, help, etc that she needed. That was effective. In real life you can’t treat people like shit and expect them to do nice favors for you.

 

[jainty123]

Last thing: don’t focus on the gf. He is responsible for his own behavior, period.

 

[maxpow99]

@peter20178 My son a great and fun relationship with a girl…until he didn’t! When they started to have issues (jealousy, control, etc.) he would take it out on us, this was when he was about 17 as well. He once wrote some awful stuff about me and his dad on Snapchat and my niece saw it. She sent me a screenshot. It was devastating.
We put up with his nonsense for a long time, it was a horrible time for the family. Fast forward, they break up, we’re there for him and he opens up about some of the issues they were having and how horrible it made him feel.
Now he’s a different person. Healthier, happier, and taking his mental health seriously. He also struggles with depression and anxiety.

 

[floodland]

@peter20178 Imperfect parent here. With a DIFFICULT TEEN TOO.

The crime should fit the punishment. You're trying to control and a teen doesn't need to be controlled, they need guidance.

Phh* Taking the phone away? Ha, I tried that too. Guess what, it doesn't work.

I've been following great instructions from "Aly Pain" on TikTok or YouTube. She has awesome advice.

Good luck

 

[mcross]

@floodland Aly pain is awesome!! She has a Facebook group too and she will answer your questions there. It has been Incredibly helpful.
Imperfect patent here too. We can’t see our blind spots.

 

[meg008]

@peter20178 Parent of a 17y/o here. When my kiddo was having issues, it caused them to lash out at us, the parents. They also became very sneaky and would lie to us constantly. We tried several therapists between school and private practice. We did family therapy sessions and I even changed work schedules so that one of us was always home when they were. We were still having issues and the lying and sneaking got worse which in turn made my reactions to this behavior much worse.
I finally broke down to my own therapist and asked for help. She mentioned parenting a difficult teen that had some pretty severe behavioral issues and the only thing that helped was learning about behaviorism and practicing it with her teen. She suggested that we stop reacting to the negative and start reinforcing the positive. When she first told me this, I thought it was some bullshit, feel-good therapy talk. It took a while to actually try this out but when I finally did, I immediately started noticing a difference. Instead of constantly punishing and taking things away, we were having open discussions about behaviors and expectations and feelings.
The difference with my teen from 4 years ago til now is night and day. I’m not saying we still don’t have issues- hell we just found out that they are failing a class an lied to us about it. But overall, we have established a trusting relationship where we feel we can openly discuss hard things. It may not be for everyone, but it helped my family and maybe it can help yours.

 

[peter20178]

@meg008 I’m a teacher so I already practice this kind of parenting which I think contributes to my good relationship with the other 3. They are always open and great communicators with me. We used to have that kind of relationship but once the GF entered the picture things quickly changed

 

[carlosbroch]

@peter20178 All if this has a long lasting impact. I don’t know why, but my daughter who is 24 just absolutely abhors me and a lot of it stems from when she was a teenager. We have very different personalities and we don’t get along at all and in fact any time I try to talk to her, she dismisses me and I don’t know what’s happening in her young adult life. We had, what I thought, was normal teenage stuff. I have supported her as much as I can, but, like you, I saw so much hurtful things about me, calling me a fat f-ing cow, a b!+ch, a c@&t, etc. I didn’t address that at all, but it was so hurtful, I let it go because there were things I had to address about her, and her well being.

I do have a 16 year old boy and he would probably be the GF in your scenario. I have cautioned him about dating anyone and try, as much as I can, to limit his interactions with others because he destroys everything with his negative attitude and his pot stirring. But, it’s hard and now I wonder if he has narcissistic personality disorder. I don’t know. I think it’s best for you to have the GF over as much as possible and see what’s happening with her. I do eavesdrop when my son is talking to other kids on the phone and you may want to hang out in another room to see what’s going on.

Best of luck to you.

 

[nelson123]

@peter20178 Bless you girl. I only have one child, and he’s 16. Man I love him but holy cow had it been the hardest thing I’ve ever done!! There have been moments I’ve felt pure rage towards him, of which he deserved. It’s so so so hard, and I also feel helpless sometimes. The girlfriend made things way worse, and a few weeks ago she broke up with him, and he had spiraled. Ugh, so rough. Hang in there.

 

[postimpatica]

@peter20178 I don't agree with forcing him to take guitar lessons under those conditions. Needless suffering is being created. If he wants to resume when he gets a new instructor, then great, If he never wants to play guitar again, then okay. You're not allowing him his own agency. A 16-year-old makes a lot of decisions for himself.

 

[peter20178]

@postimpatica He quits everything! He’s going to be that adult that bounces from job to job because of stupid reasons. I told him that I like how he’s seeking a solution to the problem by seeking out a new instructor. If I let him walk away until the new instructor has space then he’ll probably not go back at all.

 

[liljohnnymac]

@peter20178 If he’s interested in it, he’ll continue with the new instructor. If he’s no longer interested, forcing him to continue probably isn’t going to make him follow through with things in the future. Seems like it will just be a waste of time, money, and energy. He’ll resent it instead of enjoying it if it’s not his choice.

 

[frank67]

@peter20178 It’s really easy to fall into this kind of thinking, but it’s a trap. You’re letting your anxiety control you instead of responding to the actual situation in front of you. He wants to stop taking guitar lessons and you’re turning it into a completely unnecessary power struggle. Let it go. Tell him you support his choice and you’ll also support him in the event he chooses to take the guitar back up again. Picking up and dropping interests is completely age appropriate and says nothing about what his follow-through will be like in his adult life. He should be able to experiment and explore at this stage of life without bearing the burden of your worries.

 

[postimpatica]

@peter20178 Forcing him to do things he doesn't want to do teaches him nothing except to resent you. Worse, if he connects your behavior to something, he may carry that resentment into adulthood, now targeted at the thing you forced him to do as a teen.

If you explained to him you are forcing guitar because you fear he won't stick with a job, you may in fact see your worst fear realized in a few years.