Having a second is "X" times as much work

[jazzyd777]

I've heard so many different opinions about this. Some say having a second is only 1.5 times the work, some say it is around twice the work, and others say it is up to 5 times the work!!

Obviously this is a matter of opinion, but I suspect there are also other factors at play, including the age gap between kids (and the ages of each kids), and any particular struggles with one or both kids that make make it harder.

So, those who've had 2 kids- how many more times the work is it for you, and why? Can you also specify the ages of each kid. For the life of me I can't understand how it could be 5 times the amount of work, but recently a comment on another sub said this and loads of people agreed. But then I also know a lot of people who claim it is actually easier than just having 1.

There are so many things that can get doubled up that I can't really see how that's possible for it to be so much extra work. Like, if you're cooking a kid's meal anyway for 1 kid, you can just make it for 2. If you're already reading a bedtime story or giving a bath to 1 kid, you can do that for 2. If you're taking 1 kid to the park, you can take 2. If you're going shopping for new socks for 1 kid, you can buy them for #2. At the same time, I can see that if one kid is being entertained the other might not be, therefore cutting into your own free time, or they might be fighting over something, and require extra supervision or refereeing. Maybe they are interested in completely different things and you have to take 1 kid to cricket and other kid to clarinet lessons. So that is 2 times the work, for those particular instances. I can also see how the needs of a newborn/infant don't really overlap with the needs of a toddler much, and would require twice as much work during those early months. But twice as much work, all the time? Really? 3 times?? I don't understand how. Please tell me about your own experiences with this

 

[xxnomikax]

@jazzyd777 So I’m a mom of 2, ages 3 & 1.5. I also have a lot of nieces and nephews and nannied so I’ve seen lots is different spacing for kids. My experience is that it isn’t twice or three times as hard all the time, but it does average out to be. Sorry for the long response coming haha.
Physically, it’s a lot of logistics. Baby needs a bottle or nursing for a year, so that’s a solid 12 months with extra work. Going to the store is fine, but that’s two kids getting dressed, in car seats, in the cart, etc. it’s not THAT much extra work, but it easily adds 10 mins to your trip each way. You also have to debate a single or double stroller, navigate nap times, meals and moods. Going to the park is fun, but maybe one kid is ready for the big slide but you still want to spot them as they climb but the little one is struggling on the stairs; or the climbing structures are separate; or one wants the slide and one wants swings; or both kids run in opposite directions. Play wise, you have the issue of keeping toys with the kid they’re appropriate for: a grade schooler will want legos that aren’t safe for baby or a toddler will want to paint while the baby will lick everything. But separate activities lead to tears. On the other hand, as they get older, they can play together and your need to participate slows but your need to referee rises. We haven’t been involved in activities due to covid but separate activities or interests should be planned on for their whole lives which means multiple games and practices to juggle. You also need to keep track of two sets of gear, whether that’s diapers and bottles or sports equipment and clothes.
Mentally, it’s a lot more. Keeping track of multiple kids development, interests, health, growth, emotions, needs, wants, etc. wears you down. With one kid, you’re exhausted but you can turn off a while when they nap or are busy. With more kids, you have to be on all the time, even if a newborn was up all night (warning: this might go beyond newborn stage lol). You’re worried if you’re focusing too much on one or the other, how much time you’ve spent with each, how their relationship as siblings is doing. You and your spouse might separate duties more so you see each other less. The costs are more, even with hand me downs, so that’s a super common added stress. The mental load is where things really get hard in my opinion.
As far as ways it’s easier, I think in some ways it might simpler. My kids are close in age so in a lot of ways, I’ve found it easy to group them. They can share toys, big gifts, responsibilities. Their interests are similar. They’re almost in the same size now so I can even share clothes. You get in the swing of things and you don’t feel as much pressure as I did with one. Maybe because I don’t have the time to care what people think haha. More kids helps you feel more like a family unit from what I’ve experienced/witnessed so making choices best for your family become a lot easier. I feel really content in our family unit and feel like having a second helped prioritize things that made our family stronger. So none of this is to scare you! I think more kids is always great, but I just thought I’d explain the logic of saying it’s that much more work.

 

[pilgrimschild]

@jazzyd777 5 y.o. and 3 m.o. here. Definitely not 2x as much work. It's even less than 1 newborn/firstborn (but people do crazy things for their firstborn like invent 20-step bedtime routines etc and think baby will never go to sleep if we don't do it the exact same way every day, speaking from experience). I have found time for daily showers, 3 healthy meals and an hour of 'me' time for quite a while again already. We do hear life might be harder with shorter gaps. And baby's personality and sleeping habits matter too.

Tip: Take into account your lifestyle and personality too when thinking about gaps!

 

[joanna2r]

@pilgrimschild I totally agree. 6 year old and 3 month old here. The newborn phase has been so much easier than the first time. I don’t know if that is because my 3 month old is just a naturally more chilled baby or if it is because we are more relaxed parents.

Big sister loves to hold her baby sister so can do that while I eat breakfast. Big sister loves to lie on the floor and read to baby sister so can do that while I shower. Big sister understands that sometimes I’m feeding or nap trapped when she wants me and can wait patiently.