Guidance for limits in roaming privileges for a ten year old? Does my break-down of limits align with development?

[rockdrik]

@notloveisnotjesus Personally I think you have a good framework here. I would suggest telling your kiddo you want them to be part of figuring out the boundaries. Just talk it through, before during and after and it will evolve perfectly how it needs to. A daily plan at first might be required.

Question: how does your kid feel about this? I have 9 and 11. My 9 year old would not want to be left or given this freedom yet (she'll be 10 this summer), my 11 year old could certainly have handled this last year. We are also doing less camps this year for the same reason but a parent will be home more. My 9 may be at this stage by the end of the summer, fingers crossed.

Re friends: if you know the parents, I would suggest just sending them a text and saying: "Kiddo will be free-range a bit this summer and may drop by to see if friend wants to play. Is that OK with you? Please don't feel any pressure to host her, you can send her on if it's a bad time or send them to the park or whatever.". This way you release yourself from feeling like you have to reciprocate but you let them make up their own mind. Friends parent my appreciate having her over anyway as two is sometimes less work than 1 at this age.

 

[brokenroad]

@notloveisnotjesus I never was allowed to just roam around but I did just get to play on the computer all summer. We were too poor for summer camps and I couldn't even really be on the internet so it was just video games. I honestly look back on that time fondly one of the few times I could literally waste the whole day without a care in the world besides finding good snacks in the fridge. Even last year when I had a week between jobs I dedicate a couple days to just playing a video game and enjoying those moments of not having to do anything else.

 

[notloveisnotjesus]

@brokenroad I’m not opposed to screen time as a general rule! She just has ADHD and screens is a slippery slope for her. She would do it to the exclusion of feeding herself or remembering to go to the bathroom. Our doctor insists she goes med-free in the summer (something I disagree with, but that’s another discussion), so that comes hand-in-hand with more screen time restrictions.

As a matter of practicality, she gets an hour a day on each her tablet and Switch. The phone will probably be unlimited (for the most part), so she can troubleshoot problems that arise when she’s alone. We don’t limit TV unless it starts to become a problem. She likes to have noise on in the background while she’s doing other things.

 

[worldprayerchain]

@notloveisnotjesus You should seek out another doctor. There’s no reason to need to be med free during summers. Especially if you feel she doesn’t benefit from it

 

[easy813]

@notloveisnotjesus As the other reply said, your doctor is operating on outdated advice. Your daughter deserves to get the benefits of her meds all the time, not just in school. Unless they severely limit her appetite and she needs the summer to bulk up there is really no good reason to not have her on them. Also, I (as a parent and ADHDer) would be concerned about how being off the meds would impact her ability to make well thought out decisions while out on her own. I know I get more impulsive when I don't take my meds.

 

[randomnumber2]

@notloveisnotjesus

Our doctor insists she goes med-free in the summer

that's absolute nonsense advice!!!

 

[worldprayerchain]

@notloveisnotjesus For a science-based sub, there’s an astounding lack of any science in these comments

 

[daphne1]

@worldprayerchain Seriously, unless a poster chooses the “evidence-based only” flair, 95% of the comments on any given post are pure anecdote. I can get that in literally any other parenting sub.

 

[worldprayerchain]

@daphne1 Exactly. I’m not even a stickler for needing the evidence. Sometimes people just remember things, I can verify on my own, but you can’t just come in here with whatever opinion you have from your own childhood. Wtf

 

[marie1975]

@notloveisnotjesus Fwiw, I started babysitting at 11. I think this is a "know your kid" sort of thing. Can she handle all of the freedom you've laid out within the limits you would like?

 

[georgealarcon]

@notloveisnotjesus What does she enjoy doing?

 

[dojusnider]

@notloveisnotjesus My oldest is 6, so we’re not there yet but I would anticipate I’d give a few options of where I’m comfortable with him going solo or with friends, rather than set specific street boundaries. We have a small trail network which gives access to ~3-4 good parks, a rec center, and miles of relatively safe bike riding that I’ll probably cap at a certain distance based on his abilities at that age. By crossing one major intersection, he’ll have access to a library, movie theater, cafes, fast food, grocery store, etc so I’ll want that to be in our comfort zone. I would also research some classes/local events at the local rec center or library that my kids might want to sign up for or have the schedule on hand to refer to if bored. For example, our local library has a weekly Pokémon/chess club/Lego meet up that would be so cool if my son took initiative in when he was that age, but I wouldn’t expect him to know to look for it.

Another option if she is interested…I have hired a 10yo neighbor as a mother’s helper once a week for 3 hours at a time. I am home but she plays w my youngest while I get some work done. If she wants a little more structure to her week, you could help her seek out some connections within walking/biking distance. Nextdoor.com or neighborhood newsletters is what I’ve used, in case you have either of those in your area. Volunteering could theoretically be an option as well if there are any nursing homes nearby that accept younger kids to visit. Both would be good experiences and just 2-3 hours a week could add quite a bit of structure to a wide open schedule.

FWIW, I don’t think this comes across as helicopter parenting! I’m a type A planner and love creating a list of ideas and guidelines like this to prepare for new schedules and set myself and my family up for success. I do this with every transition or hypothetical transition; I blame my college dayplanner days with multi-colored gel pens corresponding to different courses and extracurriculars

Edit: I meant to also include, I wouldn’t worry about going to friends’ houses. That’s the best part of summer break! For me, it isn’t a burden to have kids over after the age of 5, and honestly, it makes my life easier when my kids have a buddy to play with. I am not great at scheduling play dates so I would LOVE to have a friend just show up to entertain my kid all day lol.

So I would say just give the parents a call at some point after the first or second hang out to check in. (She’s probably rotate through only a few close friends I’m guessing?) Make sure kid is well behaved, that they can call if there’s ever any issue, and emphasize you don’t want to burden them so they can always say if it’s not a good time, or you’ve got food at home so never any pressure to feed them, etc. My guess is they’ll appreciate the call but will reassure you that all is well, and would have the opportunity to set some expectations of their own that you can help enforce on your end. However, I would likely establish a no friends over to our house (or other houses) without parents rule - at least until they are older teens - because I would personally feel responsible for anything that goes on in our house whether or not we are present.

 

[notloveisnotjesus]

@dojusnider Thanks! All of this is really good info and is pretty aligned with my values and everything I had expected to cover and teach her at those ages.

People are obviously forgetting about COVID. Age seven is when I would have normally introduced some of these routes, but everything shut down, some things only recently reopened (the library being one), or even built (all those pedestrian island happened during COVID, and some of those roads weren’t safe previously). And post-COVID, she was pretty anxious about leaving us for a bit. Most of that is resolved and now she’s asking for more freedom, and I want to give it to her! But there is a bit of a delay in her practical skills that needs a little support. It’s the goddamn zone of proximal development, people! I’m not an idiot and I know my kid.

I think most people commenting are either from much smaller towns, or much larger cities. We’re in a weird zone of small enough for people to be nosy and involved in stranger’s business, but too big for people to know everyone by name. We’re also a regional hub and our daytime population is four times larger than our nighttime population - and the disrespect for traffic laws and neighborhood communities shows. (As noted in my OP, my neighborhood is eight blocks away from two state highways; we have people cutting through going 45 mph all the time. The city has traffic calming projects planned, but they aren’t built yet).

FWIW, I don’t think this comes across as helicopter parenting! I’m a type A planner and love creating a list of ideas and guidelines like this to prepare for new schedules and set myself and my family up for success. I do this with every transition or hypothetical transition; I blame my college dayplanner days with multi-colored gel pens corresponding to different courses and extracurriculars

Thanks! It’s pretty discouraging on a science based parenting site to be judged pretty heavily by people who admit they didn’t even bother to read my post. Especially when… ya know, neurodivergence exists… both me and my daughter have ADHD. Well-controlled ADHD, but both of us are stereotypical rule-followers and processes like the one above makes both of us feel safer. She wants these rules; having open boundaries would overwhelm her and she’d do nothing.

Also, people are forgetting state laws and micro-cultural practices. I am expecting to have to deal with the police sometime this summer. I had the police show up after leaving her in our on, locked, air-conditioned car with a cell phone at the grocery store (for less than a half hour!) last fall. Having a written plan makes her freedom easier.

I shouldn’t have to give an entire medical work-up to get advice. I deliberately didn’t post in more general parenting subs because I thought people here would be better at trusting the parent’s framing of the situation and try to shift perspectives from that position, rather than name calling or assuming I’m simply stupid for daring (daring!!) to plan and contingency plan.

Indicators of helicopter parenting imo would be more like “my kid wants this, help me argue with why they don’t need it” or “is it safe for my sixteen year old to stay home alone for twenty minutes” not “hey, check my work to see if this age-appropriate activity we’re all excited for is being planned safely.”

It’s depressing and disheartening.

 

[redy4raptre]

@notloveisnotjesus I don't think this is helicopter parenting at all. We spend Summers at our home that is on an island without cars, and most kids there are given more freedom than they have at home (at younger ages). Unless they are staying on our street, they don't go further away until they have their own phone and we are very strict about them always answering it.

They can ride their bikes to get ice cream, go to the store, etc. We have a few rules. One is don't go in the water at all. No ocean, river, creek, marsh. Even if a $100 bill falls in, do not go in the water at all, ever. They can go to the 2 private clubs on the island. There are pools at them, lifeguards, and they have membership cards to get in and charge items. When they are there, we expect them to act appropriately and not like assholes.

It is difficult to gauge or judge anyone else's limits or rules. All kids are different and we all live in very different areas.

 

[dojusnider]

@notloveisnotjesus Don’t worry about the haters it was a reasonable post and you don’t have to justify it.

I don’t know if you’ve found r/moderatelygranolamoms yet but you’d find like-minded moms over there if you want any other thoughts/ideas!

 

[ola2019]

@notloveisnotjesus This could totally work. I, however, would be more comfortable talking my 10 year old through her plans day-by-day. These (the ones you give above) could be the ultimate boundaries that you have in mind but you don’t have to give her all of this freedom all at once and I do agree that it is a somewhat overwhelming set of rules.

Maybe I missed it, but I wouldn’t want my kid going anywhere without telling me first. I would talk to her the night before about her plan for the next day and talk through if it sounds safe and problems that might pop up. The rules would then slowly come out of these discussions. I would have her call me if anything about her plans change or if she has a spontaneous idea to do something different. There is nothing overbearing about being a sounding board for her ideas. Honestly, I would expect the same from my parents if they lived alone, my husband, and my older teenagers. If someone goes missing, it’s good for others to have an idea of where they might be. I’m an independent person who travels alone and lived alone for years, but I always had someone to check in with who knew my plans. I think it has made me less lonely too. It shows that you are interested in what she is doing and available to help if she needs it.

Also, kids can be absent minded about their belongings and the passage of time, even without ADHD. She may loose her keys, phone, and/or loose track of time over the course of the summer. And that’s ok! They are learning opportunities. I continued to loose my keys and/or ID almost annually until I was about 22. So, for my own kids I expect mistakes to be made and to have talked through what to do when that happens.

You can see by the responses that parents are pretty split on this. I totally respect whatever decision you make. You know your kid best. We all accept different levels of risk each day and we should never expect that risk to be minimized to zero. I’m obviously a lower-risk person but I don’t expect all parents to feel the same way.

 

[doris23]

@notloveisnotjesus I think the length of this post is indicative of your overwhelming anxiety. I agree with the other poster who suggested talk to her in the AM about her plans and then discuss your boundaries with her.

I don’t think what you’ve listed here is unreasonable for a 10 year old, but also take a deep breath.

One of the coolest things about being a parent now is GPS tracking. Would you feel comfortable getting her a GPS watch?

 

[leematthew1234]

@notloveisnotjesus too overbearing imo. If she has a phone let her roam a bit. Don't see the issue with her going to a friends house if the parents are home too. Don't see the issue with her some days being on her phone for 4 hours, or making that decision herself, its her summer too and she's already asked that it not be so curated. You've already said she's responsible to be left aline 4 hours, the pool and age restrictions are fine, the physical radius restriction is a bit of a serious overthinking. She doesn't need everything up front, you can play by ear and reduce/remove/add restrictions as necessary.

Like . . She likely won't want to go too far anyway, and if she does she'll plan it out and make her own assessments

 

[femi1632]

@notloveisnotjesus This is way too long for any normal person to read. I skimmed and got the gist. Summer is not that long, it sounds like she has some lovely plans for herself. Why don’t you try chatting with her each evening or morning to see what she’s planning for the day ahead and take it from there?

 

[marymma]

@femi1632 Quite rude!