Guidance for limits in roaming privileges for a ten year old? Does my break-down of limits align with development?

EDIT It is not anxiety that made this post so long. I have ADHD and was raised in an abusive/neglectful home and am over-compensating as a trauma recovery process. I shouldn’t have to disclose my medical and trauma history in order for a question to be taken seriously - y’all have some serious ablism and it shows.

And I’m really upset that in science-based parenting of all places, I’m inundated with people who don’t know that The Zone of Proximal Development is a thing, and that most people posting here are -at the very least- earnest in their desire to raise kids based on evidence-based practices.

I say “we’re excited to do an age-appropriate thing! Are we doing it safe enough?” And more than half the posts (at the time) are calling me an overbearing helicopter mom. Again, in science based parenting, which does violate the rules. Maybe not isolate, but in a pile-on it does.

———

This summer, my daughter will be ten. Usually we put her in summer day camps (that run per-week) but this year she requested that we not do so many because she felt over-scheduled. She wants more time to play with friends, go to the library, go to the pool, etc.

Summer is a slow time for our work (we own a family-run business), so it's possible to take an occasional afternoon off for fun activities. There's a good chance she's going to want to come with us occasionally. We could also pay for a Boys and Girls Club summer membership, and drop her off/pick her up at any time. And our local Y has a Teen Center she's eligible to go to at 10 and they have a bussing service that will pick her up and drop her off.

So, there is lots for her to do even on those weeks off! But the summer is long, and she'll be bored of everything eventually, so I assume there'll be hours if not days where she won't have anything going on and will be left at home. So far, she's only been left alone at home for max an hour or two. In this scenario, my husband or I would come home for lunch to check on her and/or take her to the scheduled thing for the afternoon.

I do feel she's responsible enough to be home alone for three/four hours: all our contact information is memorized, she knows our neighbors and knows who to trust in an emergency, knows what to do in various emergencies, knows not to let people in the house, knows how to feed herself without cutting off appendages or burning the house down, etc.

My biggest issue is that I don't want her home on screens for four hours. Maybe I'm wrong and she'd be okay playing or reading by herself. Either way, I want to give her the option to be able to go to the library or the park by herself. But, I don't how much freedom is too much, you know? Is it by distance? Traffic? Comfort?

And while I trust her to be home alone, I'm less-secure about her exploring. It's not necessarily that she's irresponsible or untrustworthy; it's more that the environment isn't as controllable? and it opens up possibilities for her decision-making skills that I'm not sure her current experiences can easily handle? But then I debate that of course I can catastrophize all the things that can go wrong (but are highly unlikely); the "worst" of actual reality is probably something she can handle (getting lost, getting caught out in weather she didn't anticipate, her bike breaking, fighting with friends, getting hurt), and it's probably good for her decision-making skills to be tested in an environment where I'm not immediately available. She does regularly walk alone three "city" (as in a downtown town, not a metropolis) blocks from our business to piano lesson. I do feel that's different, though, as she leaves us to go to someone who's expecting her, and she's surrounded by people the entire time (edit: pretty much the same deal walking to her school bus stop: we watch her leave and the driver is expecting her to be there).

We are getting her a phone for her birthday. Well, passing down a phone, as I am getting a new phone for my birthday - since I've managed not to drive this one right into the ground. So, she's getting my current as a hand-me-down. We don't have a house phone, so a cell was necessary anyway if she was going to stay home, but it also means she has a maps app, a weather app, and I am always call away if she needs more help than tech can give her.

Here's what I mentally workshopped so far for her physical boundaries:
  • the highways are hard limits. I don't want her crossing them - even though our town has pledged to be a "walkable city" and has place controlled pedestrian islands everywhere, no one drives the speed limit on those roads and it makes me nervous to have her alone around cars going 45mph. Those run North-South and would give her 4 blocks in both the West/East direction.
  • After that, I was thinking of limiting her at two main West-East town arterials that are each about a half-mile away. Looking at it on a map - that's a lot of area. It looks like too much area; it's 6 blocks in both the North/South direction. It is mostly residential, though, which is "empty". I could reduce it - there are other arterial roads she'd have to cross and I debated over some of them. But, this distance gives her a library, two parks, two schools w/ playgrounds, an ice cream shop, and all three of her best friends houses. Even one block less than that and we lose a park and a friend. And, as I said, the town has been putting up pedestrian islands everywhere so crossing any of those roads isn't that bad (when traffic is only going 25 mph or less).
  • I was going to walk/bike these routes with her so she grew familiar with them. When we do this (we did this for her school bus walking route), we also meet neighbors, and plan for emergencies: how to ask for help, who to ask for help, what to do if something goes wrong, etc.
  • I was also going to titrate the boundaries. Two blocks to the North-South encompasses the library, one park, and one school; also one of her friends lives a block away from one of those places and could meet her. Four blocks to the North-South adds two friends' houses. Six blocks adds a school, the ice cream shop, the third friend and a park. I could even bump up each boundary per month if all goes well and she remains responsible, communicative on her phone, and learns/follows the safe routes.
And then I have some miscellaneous rules about where she's not allowed. If I missed anything, or you'd add something for your own kid, let me know!
  • Misc Rule #1: Some of the places she can physically go in the area, the organization won't allow her to enter until she's older. There's a museum she loves to go to, for example, that doesn't allow children alone in the building until they're 12.
  • Misc Rule #2: No pool without us. Maybe with a trusted parent of a friend in a pre-arranged play-date. I don't even think the pool lets the kids in w/o an adult until they're 13, but it's a limit for me, too. This isn't really a "boundary" issue as the pool is outside these parameters, but I wanted to set it for the future.
  • Misc Rule #3: Unless it's a prearranged playdate, she can't go over to anyone's house while she's "alone." Friends can meet at public places, at the park or the library, but not at someone's house. Partially for her own safety. Partially to ensure that on some level -even just a neighbor from a park bench- there's some kind of supervision going on (some of her friends are also home alone while their parents are at work). Partially so we don't impose on friends' hospitality ("free babysitting!") if they do have a parent home. And, partially because I don't want to reciprocate - I don't want her hosting while we're not home - and I think it's hypocritical to not have that rule balance.
Okay, am I nuts for thinking this is doable? Is there anything I'm missing?

Thanks!
 
@notloveisnotjesus Hey OP. I don’t have kids as old as you. I know the evidence supports progressively increasing independence. The Journal of Pediatrics just published a piece that suggests that declines in mental health among adolescents is directly related to a progressive loss of independence. . Your kid sounds like a reasonable human and you have reasonable concerns about their decision making capacity at 10.

Your rules seem reasonable - you can boil them down in communication to: don’t go outside of this neighborhood. You can go to the library or the park or just wander around. Don’t go into anyone’s house until you check with a parent. Don’t break anyone else’s rules about whether kids are allowed (pool, museum).

That’s not complicated or helicopter. Kids can understand that. It seems eminently reasonable and you can gradually relax these boundaries as she ages. You also may find you want to relax the screen time boundary but you can play that as you go and as you see how you both react.

You’ve only got a few comments here that I see that are pushing back, and a number of supportive comments. I find this sub is most useful when I sort by best.
 
@notloveisnotjesus I’ll be honest, even trying to read all of this was overwhelming, and I didn’t actually make it all the way through. Of course you want to protect her. But right now this reads like you identify as a helicopter. Having most of the minutes of your day be so scheduled and rigid sounds exhausting and depressing.

Don’t overthink this, don’t infantilize her. She is trying to get some agency over her own life. She is becoming self aware, and more independent; making decisions for herself. Don’t take that away from her. LET her grow up a little bit. Make sure that any rules you set are to actually keep her safe, and not just to make your anxiety feel better. Find a balance between keeping her safe, and letting her taste freedom.
 
@carpenternurse I second this. At 10 I was pretty much free roaming (using public transport included) and that was before I had a mobile phone.
She's going to be fine. She's going to be fine without all those rules, boundaries and rehearsing routes.
I also don't understand the not visiting friends/no friends visiting rule at all.
 
@drita I third this. I was roaming all summer at 10, visiting friends and using public transport as well. Stayed at home alone while parents were both at work, with premade lunch.
 
@notloveisnotjesus So I thought the rules sound mostly fair and not too bad. I get people saying that they are too lengthy and hard to remember, but the gist is...stay within these 4 blocks. Don't randomly invite yourself over to your friends or bring friends into the house. And only go to safe zones like the library/park.

At 10, I started to have more freedom in my summers. But we never lived in town...so the freedom was really whatever mischief we could get up to around the house/on our property. And we watched a LOT of TV.

I'm conflicted...10 seems a little young to be roaming every day of the summer for long stretches of time.
 
@marry
10 seems a little young to be roaming every day of the summer for long stretches of time.

See, this is what I struggle with too! No one else is doing this in our peer group, but this sort of thing aligns with my values. I want her to feel comfortable and confident navigating her world; getting used to maps, public transit, bike commuting, etc.

And my own experience doesn’t help. My parents were neglectful (for more than just this; this was just one symptom) and I had too much freedom as a young child. Like, Stand By Me levels of trauma. OTOH, I am really confident navigating around my environment and I have an excellent sense of direction.

So, I’m trying to walk a compromise by supporting her in her exploration until I can see she’s comfortable, and then letting the lead out. By next fall, I was hoping she could bike to school (which crosses one of those highways), and next summer connecting the space between our work and our home. When that happens, she gets access to bike trails that will take her to literally anywhere else she wants to go in a ten-mile radius.
 
@notloveisnotjesus I hear you on the too much freedom. I sometimes compare my husband and my experience growing up. It was not unusual for us to drag my dad's tools from the garage out to build a tree fort and just figure stuff out on our own. His parents supervised everything and i can tell that I'm a much more adept problem solver than he is.

I'd say, maybe there is a middle ground for this year? 10 does seem a little young. So maybe you can find a half day program rather than a full summer camp? Then she could have a couple hours to herself at home and maybe could prearrange solo a trip to the library and back? She could check in with you beforehand and after.

I'd say go with your gut...if you're feeling she's a little young, there is no harm in giving it another year. I'd also be concerned with not her making good choices...but there's a lot of weirdos on the streets and 10 is still so little.
 
@notloveisnotjesus Make sure your rules 1. align with state laws (most states have no minimum age kids can be left at home but several do - and it ranges from 6 to 14) and 2. align with business/facility policies and other laws (some states have similar laws for places like libraries, but often the libraries seem to make their own policies which may be harsher than the laws themselves. In VA kids under 11 must be accompanied by someone 16 or older, central MS library system has a 13 year minimum age. One library system in Iowa shows minimum age as 5 and a different library system in Iowa shows 8.)

Big takeaway here is, figure out what's allowable first and then work with that to decide what's appropriate for your specific child. Don't want to wind up accidentally under investigation because the library reported you to CPS for your kid being left there all day when you didn't even know it was against the law.... that would super suck.
 
@notloveisnotjesus This is such a hard question for me personally.

At 10 I was able to roam my small town on bike and at my leisure and stay home alone during daytime for 6+ hours.It felt safe and it was wonderful to have that experience. I just had to tell an adult where I was going. If an adult wasn't home, I was confined to my backyard/neighbors until one was. (We didn't have cell phones. They were new and expensive and children didn't need them according to my parents)

But then a girl who was the younger sister of a friend of mine who rode my bus went missing taking the 10 minute walk from a friend's house home.

She was found dead over 10 years later all the way across the state in a forest.

In this day and age, I personally not sure where the line is drawn.

I just want to say I don't think you're
being an overbearing helicopter mom.
 
@yadid Yes. My town and my neighboring town had less than 10k people. My high-school had a graduating class of about 100 give or take. We had one stop light in town just for log trucks.

This happened in the mid 2000s.
 
@ion2557 I also want to say you’re not an overbearing helicopter mom. Guess it depends where you live, but my best friend’s little brother was murdered (shot), my own little sister was brutally beaten near to death and robbed while walking home (2 towns over though), and two pre teens in my home town were killed a few years back by another teen and left in a field to rot. Another pre teen was just found killed nearby (a town over), likely murdered by her boyfriend, but definitely murdered. There’s no way I’d let my 10 year old roam around without me. I don’t know how to let science play a role here. I’m sure there are safe neighborhoods somewhere… maybe you live in one. Edit: I also live in a fairly small town of around 15,000 people.
 
@notloveisnotjesus These all seem pretty reasonable and fairly generous. When I was ten, my parents were a little more restrictive then this, but again that was a time when GPS and cellphones with tracking weren't really a thing. My mom also grew up in a very different and much more dangerous area, so she was more anxious.

I think setting an expectation that they text or contact you when they leave one location and arrive somewhere new would be helpful to hold them accountable. Also setting rules about who they can use as their buddy. My parents would always approve certain friends they also knew were responsible when they'd let us explore and I always felt like that was a good idea.

Overall, I think this is doable and obviously you know your kid. I will stress making sure you go over the worse case scenarios and what to do in the event those occur. Not to scare them, but to make them aware. When I was around that age, we were walking down a strip mall and someone in a car started harassing us and we were able to know what to do because it had been drilled into us.

I don't see a helicopter parent, just someone who wants to set steady expectations based on the needs of their kid. Just remember that it's generally easier to go from more restrictive to less restrictive, so don't feel bad if you want to slowly build up to all of this or allow her freedom 1-2 days a week to test the water.
 
@notloveisnotjesus I saw this post hours ago and was really turned off by the tone of the replies. I'm sorry that that's the response you got.

I think you laid out a good framework and it makes sense to me. My kiddo is only 2 so it's hard for me to imagine how I'd feel about things when she's 10, and I don't remember being 10 well enough to think from that perspective. All that said, I'm aligned with your approach and would be interested to hear how it goes for you guys!
 
@johanninescholar Thanks! The town is really trying to make the city align with climate change goals, and a big part of that is a reduction in car reliance. So, bike trails, relatively robust public transit (for its size), and defined neighborhood communities with accessible services.

If we were to move one town in any direction, I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing it. Either she’d have to bike miles in nothing but housing developments just to get to a gas station, or she’d be biking on a gravel shoulder of a two-lane state highway just to get to the library.
 
@notloveisnotjesus It sounds like you have a smart mature kid, and this sounds reasonable to me, two things I might add. 1. Any time she leaves the house (or another location) she should text you where she is going and text you when she arrives. (This would also let you check up on her, stop in the places she is supposed to be randomly and make sure she's there) 2. Discuss with her the consequences for breaking your rules so she knows what would happen if they are broken. Coming to an agreement on what they are together will help her stick to the rules too.
 
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