notloveisnotjesus
New member
EDIT It is not anxiety that made this post so long. I have ADHD and was raised in an abusive/neglectful home and am over-compensating as a trauma recovery process. I shouldn’t have to disclose my medical and trauma history in order for a question to be taken seriously - y’all have some serious ablism and it shows.
And I’m really upset that in science-based parenting of all places, I’m inundated with people who don’t know that The Zone of Proximal Development is a thing, and that most people posting here are -at the very least- earnest in their desire to raise kids based on evidence-based practices.
I say “we’re excited to do an age-appropriate thing! Are we doing it safe enough?” And more than half the posts (at the time) are calling me an overbearing helicopter mom. Again, in science based parenting, which does violate the rules. Maybe not isolate, but in a pile-on it does.
———
This summer, my daughter will be ten. Usually we put her in summer day camps (that run per-week) but this year she requested that we not do so many because she felt over-scheduled. She wants more time to play with friends, go to the library, go to the pool, etc.
Summer is a slow time for our work (we own a family-run business), so it's possible to take an occasional afternoon off for fun activities. There's a good chance she's going to want to come with us occasionally. We could also pay for a Boys and Girls Club summer membership, and drop her off/pick her up at any time. And our local Y has a Teen Center she's eligible to go to at 10 and they have a bussing service that will pick her up and drop her off.
So, there is lots for her to do even on those weeks off! But the summer is long, and she'll be bored of everything eventually, so I assume there'll be hours if not days where she won't have anything going on and will be left at home. So far, she's only been left alone at home for max an hour or two. In this scenario, my husband or I would come home for lunch to check on her and/or take her to the scheduled thing for the afternoon.
I do feel she's responsible enough to be home alone for three/four hours: all our contact information is memorized, she knows our neighbors and knows who to trust in an emergency, knows what to do in various emergencies, knows not to let people in the house, knows how to feed herself without cutting off appendages or burning the house down, etc.
My biggest issue is that I don't want her home on screens for four hours. Maybe I'm wrong and she'd be okay playing or reading by herself. Either way, I want to give her the option to be able to go to the library or the park by herself. But, I don't how much freedom is too much, you know? Is it by distance? Traffic? Comfort?
And while I trust her to be home alone, I'm less-secure about her exploring. It's not necessarily that she's irresponsible or untrustworthy; it's more that the environment isn't as controllable? and it opens up possibilities for her decision-making skills that I'm not sure her current experiences can easily handle? But then I debate that of course I can catastrophize all the things that can go wrong (but are highly unlikely); the "worst" of actual reality is probably something she can handle (getting lost, getting caught out in weather she didn't anticipate, her bike breaking, fighting with friends, getting hurt), and it's probably good for her decision-making skills to be tested in an environment where I'm not immediately available. She does regularly walk alone three "city" (as in a downtown town, not a metropolis) blocks from our business to piano lesson. I do feel that's different, though, as she leaves us to go to someone who's expecting her, and she's surrounded by people the entire time (edit: pretty much the same deal walking to her school bus stop: we watch her leave and the driver is expecting her to be there).
We are getting her a phone for her birthday. Well, passing down a phone, as I am getting a new phone for my birthday - since I've managed not to drive this one right into the ground. So, she's getting my current as a hand-me-down. We don't have a house phone, so a cell was necessary anyway if she was going to stay home, but it also means she has a maps app, a weather app, and I am always call away if she needs more help than tech can give her.
Here's what I mentally workshopped so far for her physical boundaries:
Thanks!
And I’m really upset that in science-based parenting of all places, I’m inundated with people who don’t know that The Zone of Proximal Development is a thing, and that most people posting here are -at the very least- earnest in their desire to raise kids based on evidence-based practices.
I say “we’re excited to do an age-appropriate thing! Are we doing it safe enough?” And more than half the posts (at the time) are calling me an overbearing helicopter mom. Again, in science based parenting, which does violate the rules. Maybe not isolate, but in a pile-on it does.
———
This summer, my daughter will be ten. Usually we put her in summer day camps (that run per-week) but this year she requested that we not do so many because she felt over-scheduled. She wants more time to play with friends, go to the library, go to the pool, etc.
Summer is a slow time for our work (we own a family-run business), so it's possible to take an occasional afternoon off for fun activities. There's a good chance she's going to want to come with us occasionally. We could also pay for a Boys and Girls Club summer membership, and drop her off/pick her up at any time. And our local Y has a Teen Center she's eligible to go to at 10 and they have a bussing service that will pick her up and drop her off.
So, there is lots for her to do even on those weeks off! But the summer is long, and she'll be bored of everything eventually, so I assume there'll be hours if not days where she won't have anything going on and will be left at home. So far, she's only been left alone at home for max an hour or two. In this scenario, my husband or I would come home for lunch to check on her and/or take her to the scheduled thing for the afternoon.
I do feel she's responsible enough to be home alone for three/four hours: all our contact information is memorized, she knows our neighbors and knows who to trust in an emergency, knows what to do in various emergencies, knows not to let people in the house, knows how to feed herself without cutting off appendages or burning the house down, etc.
My biggest issue is that I don't want her home on screens for four hours. Maybe I'm wrong and she'd be okay playing or reading by herself. Either way, I want to give her the option to be able to go to the library or the park by herself. But, I don't how much freedom is too much, you know? Is it by distance? Traffic? Comfort?
And while I trust her to be home alone, I'm less-secure about her exploring. It's not necessarily that she's irresponsible or untrustworthy; it's more that the environment isn't as controllable? and it opens up possibilities for her decision-making skills that I'm not sure her current experiences can easily handle? But then I debate that of course I can catastrophize all the things that can go wrong (but are highly unlikely); the "worst" of actual reality is probably something she can handle (getting lost, getting caught out in weather she didn't anticipate, her bike breaking, fighting with friends, getting hurt), and it's probably good for her decision-making skills to be tested in an environment where I'm not immediately available. She does regularly walk alone three "city" (as in a downtown town, not a metropolis) blocks from our business to piano lesson. I do feel that's different, though, as she leaves us to go to someone who's expecting her, and she's surrounded by people the entire time (edit: pretty much the same deal walking to her school bus stop: we watch her leave and the driver is expecting her to be there).
We are getting her a phone for her birthday. Well, passing down a phone, as I am getting a new phone for my birthday - since I've managed not to drive this one right into the ground. So, she's getting my current as a hand-me-down. We don't have a house phone, so a cell was necessary anyway if she was going to stay home, but it also means she has a maps app, a weather app, and I am always call away if she needs more help than tech can give her.
Here's what I mentally workshopped so far for her physical boundaries:
- the highways are hard limits. I don't want her crossing them - even though our town has pledged to be a "walkable city" and has place controlled pedestrian islands everywhere, no one drives the speed limit on those roads and it makes me nervous to have her alone around cars going 45mph. Those run North-South and would give her 4 blocks in both the West/East direction.
- After that, I was thinking of limiting her at two main West-East town arterials that are each about a half-mile away. Looking at it on a map - that's a lot of area. It looks like too much area; it's 6 blocks in both the North/South direction. It is mostly residential, though, which is "empty". I could reduce it - there are other arterial roads she'd have to cross and I debated over some of them. But, this distance gives her a library, two parks, two schools w/ playgrounds, an ice cream shop, and all three of her best friends houses. Even one block less than that and we lose a park and a friend. And, as I said, the town has been putting up pedestrian islands everywhere so crossing any of those roads isn't that bad (when traffic is only going 25 mph or less).
- I was going to walk/bike these routes with her so she grew familiar with them. When we do this (we did this for her school bus walking route), we also meet neighbors, and plan for emergencies: how to ask for help, who to ask for help, what to do if something goes wrong, etc.
- I was also going to titrate the boundaries. Two blocks to the North-South encompasses the library, one park, and one school; also one of her friends lives a block away from one of those places and could meet her. Four blocks to the North-South adds two friends' houses. Six blocks adds a school, the ice cream shop, the third friend and a park. I could even bump up each boundary per month if all goes well and she remains responsible, communicative on her phone, and learns/follows the safe routes.
- Misc Rule #1: Some of the places she can physically go in the area, the organization won't allow her to enter until she's older. There's a museum she loves to go to, for example, that doesn't allow children alone in the building until they're 12.
- Misc Rule #2: No pool without us. Maybe with a trusted parent of a friend in a pre-arranged play-date. I don't even think the pool lets the kids in w/o an adult until they're 13, but it's a limit for me, too. This isn't really a "boundary" issue as the pool is outside these parameters, but I wanted to set it for the future.
- Misc Rule #3: Unless it's a prearranged playdate, she can't go over to anyone's house while she's "alone." Friends can meet at public places, at the park or the library, but not at someone's house. Partially for her own safety. Partially to ensure that on some level -even just a neighbor from a park bench- there's some kind of supervision going on (some of her friends are also home alone while their parents are at work). Partially so we don't impose on friends' hospitality ("free babysitting!") if they do have a parent home. And, partially because I don't want to reciprocate - I don't want her hosting while we're not home - and I think it's hypocritical to not have that rule balance.
Thanks!