13 y/o giving his number out against my wishes

[misterw]

@susanpath32 Our daughter turned 18 in Oct of last year, and she didn't get a phone until she was 16 (her sophomore year because of her late birthday) and it was actually necessary (got her drivers license and ventured out into the world on her own). I'm also a SAHM, so I understand your POV when you say there wasn't a need for one. We had a home phone just for her, and she actually talked to her friends on the phone. Because of this, I think she has much higher and more effective communication skills than most. The lack of a phone definitely did not limit her social activity or ability. She played sports, went to almost every after-school activity she wanted to attend (i.e. dances, ball games, etc.), and wanted to do (and did) things that revolved around social activities (i.e. skating rink, bowling, hiking, etc.). She learned that she didn't need a phone to have fun, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with a parent choosing that approach.

All of that being said, she probably does have a phone, and if he likes her and she asked for his number, I'm sure he didn't want to embarrass himself by saying "My mom said I can't give out my phone number." As parents, sometimes we need to try and see the situation from our child's POV before we decide their actions are an act of blatant, intentional defiance or if there's possibly something else at work. Maybe try to find gratitude in the fact that he trusts you enough to honestly reveal he has romantic feelings for this girl? Many teens don't confide in their parents, and the fact that he did shows that you're doing something right.

Since you're new in town, would it be possible to have him ask her if her mom is willing to come along to the park? Then you and her can chat and maybe you'll make a new friend, too. Or maybe you could take your younger kids to the park to play and just keep an eye on the 13-year-old from afar? If there are no younger children to use as an excuse to tag along, maybe there's a track to walk, or a bench to sit on, or some way you could go, but not make it super obvious that you're watching him (lol)?

 

[gbessou]

@misterw I would give one warning don’t be alarmed if the girl’s parents laugh at you for suggesting them watching them at the park or if they feel uncomfortable if you do it. I wouldn’t encourage my son hang out with someone who parents needed to hover or don’t trust them.

 

[susanpath32]

@gbessou It's interesting how we all differ in perspective. They're 13, not 16 or 17. Middle schoolers are still young kids. I respect parents for being involved in their kids lives in a healthy manner at that age and am therefore thrilled if my kids befriend such a child. I trust they're more well adjusted than their latch key counterparts. I have a lot of experience in this in different arenas of my life and kids WANT their parents to be involved and care.

 

[gbessou]

@susanpath32 I do not believe that middle schoolers are young kids, I find that kids near independence in levels so before they’re able to drive at 16 or 17 and can go anywhere they want no matter what they tell you and do anything they want practicing being out in public when I’m picking them up and dropping them off it’s like a level. We started when my son was about 11 like being alone in a store or at the mall while we were in another part so he’s had plenty of practice.

I found when I went to college a lot of the kids to didn’t get enough independence didn’t have the problem-solving skills that they needed their freshman year of college . And because of this, I saw them make life-changing decisions poorly.

 

[misterw]

@gbessou So my now 18YO daughter had me almost convinced that I was a "weirdo" because I wanted to meet and know her friends parents and I wanted to know her bf's parents. She'd always tell me things like "People don't do that anymore, Mom," and "Ugh! This is so stupid!" I'm only 37YO, so it's not like I'm ancient and out-of-touch. I grew up in a rural area, and we still live in a rural area. 'Round here, contrary to my daughter's opinion and beliefs, most all parents do want to meet and do meet the parents of their kids friends and SO's. How do I know? Because a few times I did randomly mention to the parents we were meeting that my daughter claimed people don't do this anymore, and every single one of them reassured me that they wanted to meet my husband and I, too.

Meeting the parents and being present is not about watching the kids every move. It's about keeping your kid safe, knowing a little bit about the kids your own kid is hanging out with, getting a "feel for" the type of person this kid is/the type of environment this kid has been raised in, etc.. It's about having an open line of communication between your kids, your kid's friends, and the parents of your kid's friends. If my child comes to your house and is disrespectful, disobedient, and doing immoral and/or illegal things, I want that open line of communication so that I can step in correct the problem. I don't want an angry parent showing up at my door accusing me of being a bad parent because my daughter showed her daughter an inappropriate website, or got her daughter hooked on meth, or anything in between that vast spectrum of awful things, lol. I want a friend who encounters an issue and comes to me to lovingly talk about the issue, and maybe even helps me find ways to correct the issue. Yeah, this requires a lot more time and effort on my part; but, IMHO, it's entirely worth it.

 

[gbessou]

@misterw I was literally talking about a comment of watching the kids at the park. If I’m allowing my child to go to the park unsupervised, I would feel odd that a parent didn’t trust their kid enough and then I would feel like that parent would think that they needed to watch my kid and then my kid being respectful if that parent told my kid to do some thing, even though in my mind, I left my kid in charge of my kid. He’s 14 and we’ve worked for years on like being out in the world independently but he’s such a respectful kid that if his friends parents were there, he would feel obligated to listen to them.

I do want to meet the parents of any child who my child goes to their house or they come to my house because in that agreement the parent of the house is in charge of the kid.

 

[susanpath32]

@misterw Your comment is amazing, thank you for taking the time to share your perspective. I'm of the same belief and my son has never been limited for anything in his friend group because of not having a phone.

After having a conversation with him, I came to find he was the one pressuring her and that made me deeply uncomfortable. He met this girl TODAY, asked for her phone number immediately, and basically hounded her about whether she liked him or not. I have a large plethora of reasons why I'm apprehensive to phones for children and one of the main ones is this - the bullying, peer pressure, or etc that are more easily communicated through those channels than they are in person. Basically the same issue adults find themselves in. If adults can barely handle it, and we have fully developed prefrontal cortexes, how do we genuinely believe kids do? They aren't tiny adults, they're children. Yes, they're their own person and have their own choices and experiences, but up to the age of 18 (at the bare minimum) it's literally on us, their parents, to guide them and do our best to raise them to be healthy, emotionally functional and well rounded human beings.

Because I have open conversations with him at his level, he tells me these things and I communicate empathetically and sharing personal experiences. I told him no, he couldn't meet her until he'd gotten to know her more and he claimed to understand why once I broke it all down.

 

[misterw]

@susanpath32 The hounding her about whether she liked him or not made me chuckle a bit. Poor guy! I hope you told him she can't possibly know whether she likes him or not after just one day, and that hounding her about it is very off-putting to a female, lol. I'm sure you did, so I don't say that to insult your intelligence or parenting. I only say it from a "girl mom" perspective (and God blessed us with 3 children ... all girls!). I'm glad y'all were able to talk through it.

I am right there with you on kids and phones. A few years ago, I deleted all of my social media accounts (I only have Reddit, and have only had it for about a year or so) because I just couldn't take the negativity and hatred among grown adults anymore. It's like words mean more when you're speaking them than when you're typing them, and you're more aware of the other person's feelings. This results in kindness, compassion, and empathy that just isn't as present with a text or email. Phones rob kids of social interaction, and I'm not quite sure why more parents can't/don't/won't see this.

 

[susanpath32]

@misterw Yes, absolutely. My daughter was telling me that the school was taking a lot of time to talk to them about suicide prevention and phones were a huge component to it, so I also spent my evening explaining that to her. There's basically no studied "pro" to this somehow widely accepted phenomenon that ~10+ year olds need smartphones and too many "cons" than I'd care to gamble with until my kid is older. We caved into a phone due to external factors but we're staunch believers in keeping kids away from that stress as long as possible. They have their whole lives to be burdened, the least I can do is keep it at bay until they're mature enough to understand what they're doing.

I told my son that he was Anna and I was Elsa. He laughed hard lol

 

[patsy_rae]

@susanpath32 Wow some of the responses are very judgemental.

I have a 14YO boy and it’s hard to let go but sometimes you have to. I also have a 15YO girl and I’ve had to sit back and watch her mistakes. I’ve intervened when necessary but only when I thought she is putting herself at risk. I always give honest opinions to what they are doing. It’s hard but you have to let them make mistakes otherwise you will end up with an 18YO that will do what they want and make bigger mistakes then.

 

[patsy_rae]

edit I’ve stopped posting on here because I know I am a good mum but some responses read between the lines and make you out to be a monster. Nobody knows the relationship or situation you have with your child and everyone parents differently.

 

[trumpeter2]

@susanpath32 If he is mature enough to have a real phone free and clear, there are phone you can get that can be preprogrammed to only call certain numbers and don't even come with internet browsers. Or you can use family link (it's called something else on Apple) where when you sign your child into his phone you do it under a created child's account and you would be able to essentially totally control it from your phone. You can monitor and control his location, his apps, the websites he goes to, whose he is talking to, etc.

 

[minda]

@susanpath32 He's giving his phone number to another student at school, not some random stranger he meets at the store, or on the internet. Now meeting someone unsupervised, I totally agree with, but restricting his phone to being nothing more than a communication tool with you? You are putting him at an unfair disadvantage amongst his peers.

I think others here give good advice, maybe give it some thought.

 

[christchild24]

@susanpath32 My older kids (21 and 17) just told me how different they felt not having Snapchat. That at 13, asking for people’s emails or even phone numbers was weird. They both are well adjusted and have friends but I do feel bad I made it harder for them just because I didn’t understand technology. I’m way more lax with my 13 year old now. She just did a summer Rec camp and part of what I loved about it was there was “unsupervised” time for the kids to hang out with adults looming near by.

 

[nicolaii1218]

@susanpath32 Honey this is sad, please see a therapist about your anxieties around your son. My mom was STRICT! And still not at this level. I ended up hating her. She went to see a therapist which really helped her a lot. Now I love spending time with my mom. Let him explore to your face before he does it behind your back.

 

[susanpath32]

@nicolaii1218 You're not wrong. I definitely believe a balance needs to be reached. We have one now and I want to keep it.

 

[nicolaii1218]

@susanpath32 It’s a really good idea to stay in therapy, I didn’t mean to sound so rough in how I sounded but I grew up with friends who had stricter parents and I’m the only one who still speaks to my mother. This generation believes in cutting ties even with someone as important as a mother. I realized very late that my mom was just trying to protect me from everything but that just isn’t possible. He’s going to reach a point where he needs a lot more freedom then your probably going to be willing to give. You can do this! You guys can do this together

 

[amajirionwumoses]

@susanpath32 I have 2 15 year olds. I don’t understand. You want him to make friends but not give out his number? So what if he’s interested in a girl- he’s 13.

I think you’re being too limiting and you’re creating a relationship where he’s going to hide things from you. Teach them about safety on their phones. Install FamilyLink or something to filter content but you need to give him some independence.

 

[siskie]

@susanpath32 If it’s an iPhone there are built in parental controls that you can use. You can also use it to see where he is.
It sounds like he’s trying to make friends. It’s hard but 13 year olds are typically ready for a little bit of freedom.