13 y/o giving his number out against my wishes

[tundras]

@susanpath32 Look I have a teen you need to talk to him about being smart with online and safety. My kid had a phone since 9 and we slowly gave more freedom as he got older. It’s important to talk about it but keeping hidden isn’t going to help. My kids do not hide anything, but we taught them young and didn’t get angry if they looked at something not meant for them. We explained why it’s not healthy and what to do in those situations. Tech is not your enemy but ignorance will be.

Also in school even if he doesn’t have a phone, all his friends will and he will still find away to use it and show him everything you are afraid of.

So instead of acting like the parents in Frozen and isolating him, have a conversation on line safety. Weekends give him a couple hours to get online and hang with his friends. We can’t compare our kids to how we were raised. It’s different times the phone is how they socialize, whether you like it or not technology isn’t leaving. Don’t get left behind.

 

[derek1995]

@susanpath32 As someone who works with this age group, you're treating him like a small child when he is becoming a young adult. He is going to push back so, so hard you won't know what's hit you and he won't have developed the skills to navigate the mess he finds himself in, and he will know he can't ask you for help in case you put him back into tech gulag

 

[tours]

@susanpath32 Honestly, social exclusion is a lot more dangerous than exchanging phone numbers with a girl. I would encourage him to text other kids. Limits on hours are reasonable but I wouldn’t go nuts trying to keep him from using his phone for social reasons.

 

[lonely]

@susanpath32 You need to let him grow up. Giving his number to classmates or meeting with friends at the park at 13 is completely normal.

 

[susanpath32]

@lonely Classmates and friends are one thing, a girl he's "trying to pull" and pressuring is a whole other story. I realize that wasn't in my original post since those details were hinted at initially, then later confirmed.

 

[lonely]

@susanpath32 Then you should delete this and start over with an actual problem where he’s treating a girl he’s interested in like a toy to be manipulated.

 

[worshipflags]

@susanpath32 He’s moving schools for 8th grade. I see the fact that he made a new friend or two as a plus! Drive him to the park and check it out from a distance.

 

[lovemeformexo]

@susanpath32 Old school controlling nag maybe.

Teach your son about being safe online but the way you are treating him - you think you’re being a great parent but you’re just creating a really good liar.

He made a friend and you are going to make him miserable. Good luck with that

 

[michaelo]

@susanpath32 I know it is hard to get the full understanding of the situation from your short little post, and I know you love your son. I can sense from your responses you are defensive and have strong feelings about you parenting decisions.

First — almost all 8th graders will have smart phones and 100% use them for social purposes with friends. To not allow, yes, could have some benefits, but also comes with some risks — including resentment towards you harming the parental relationship and social ostracism for your son in a peer environment . If your son is quick-witted & extraverted, sure he can joke about his controlling mom with peers, but if he is not, he could flounder and float towards a bit of exclusion, because truly almost all kids have phones in our area. So I think you should consider this.

Second — you seem to be managing his behavior through physical restrictions and strict rules, rather than actually focusing managing his behavior through assuring he has life skills & the family values you have instilled. Do you feel this girl is in danger from him in a public place? Has he not respected her boundaries? Is he being coercive? What tools is he using to address his impulsiveness? How many conversations have you had about dating? Sex? Porn? Consent? What are his views & values on these topics? I have an 8th grader too, and we barely have 5 years to assure he can make good choices without my intervention. As parents, we should not be managing their behavior like we did when they were 10. We have to let them talk to girls and peers within reason, use the Socratic method, when perhaps they do not make wise choices, but only step in when safety really is at risk. We should be focusing on connecting with them, so the relationship will weather teen hormones.

If you have true concern about your son & a female classmate not being safe at a public park — the problem is NOT the phone, nor is the solution to just restrict the phone. Address the root of the problem, his behavior & choices!

 

[tmounts87]

@susanpath32 My son is now 17 and I had a really hard time loosening up and giving him freedom a few years ago but I had to. It won't be good for him in the long run if you continue to be this strict. I understand the apprehension but I think he's at the point where meeting the parents before he can hang out with new friends, even if there's a romantic interest, is going too far. He's not meeting random people that he met online where you never know who it could be on the other end. He's literally wanting to hang out with peers from schools so you know it's not going to end up being some random creep. You need to communicate with him about your concerns and try to teach him to make good choices but he has to be allowed to make mistakes and learn from them. My son is also very impulsive so I had a lot of concerns so I talked to him about the things I was concerned with, I gave curfews and boundaries as to where he could go. Things haven't been perfect but nothing horrible has happened. Yes, he's gotten in trouble for making dumb choices but nobody has been hurt and he hasn't gotten in any legal trouble or anything like that. And in my eyes, the negative consequences that could come from being so strict outweigh the risks of letting him be more social.

 

[katrina2017]

@susanpath32 I agree with many comments on here. These years are meant for socializing and staying connected with their peers. If you’re old school you’ll need to adjust that the phone is how kids stay connected. It’s very normal. It’s totally okay for you to reach out to the parents as the new kid in town though. Especially as he makes friends. I think you should put the 18 and under restrictions on there and make him ask you permission to get an app. That way you can talk about stuff. Why do you want that what does it do etc…

 

[musicman61]

@susanpath32 He's 13. You can either have open honest conversations with your kid and teach them about safe sex or you can have a kid who sneaks around and can use friends phones to go on social media. You're being extremely weird about this. You're making him socially awkward. "Threshold of innocence" you need therapy to unpack that nonsense. There's so many issues from your comments idk where to start poor kid

 

[walknlight]

@musicman61 Yea that got me. I didn’t come here to “chastise” op but her comments about her own son bothered me I guess. He’s a teenage boy, he wasn’t going to remain an innocent little child forever and OP doesn’t seem to want to hear any opinion but her own. It’s weird and controlling, and if the issue is how he’s trying to control and manipulate a girl and it about giving out his number, I have to wonder where he learned that behavior… Therapy is needed for both of them.

 

[musicman61]

@walknlight She needs to add that edit in because she has 2 different issues going on.

 

[peace363]

@susanpath32 Mom.
You don’t have a chance. You put that phone in his hand and now you need to eat this anxiety. And please, don’t tell him he is extremely impulsive, more naive than his peers, and socially awkward.
Tell him you expect him to be as responsible as an adult. He needs to think things through so to keep his reputation intact and not get into trouble. Make sure he knows there is a line between porn and sexual abuse of children. Bullying would not be tolerated and that the context is so incredibly important. What he thinks is funny may not be funny to someone else, or their parents.
This is a new world and that phone is gateway to a world where people don’t get second chances, nothing ever really gets deleted, and people can easily get access to every picture he takes, every screenshot, every message sent and received. If you think you can hide something your wrong.
Then let him know he has to plug the phone in a certain spot every night between whatever hours you want. Ours are 10pm - 6am.
He has to share passwords with you, but please, for your own sanity. Don’t snoop.
You have to give him the space to be free, the opportunity to be responsible and make sure he knows that if he thinks he f’ed something up. He needs to tell you, in part because your legally responsible but mostly because your his Mom, you love him and will help him figure things out.

 

[peace363]

This is literally the HARDEST THING ABOUT BEING A MOM.

 

[susanpath32]

@peace363 I absolutely love your answer. This mirrors a lot of the content in the conversation he and I had tonight. I get on his level and share my own experiences (I'm a young parent so a lot of what he's dealing with, I did too) to showcase where my concerns stem from and ask for his opinions. I would never tell him I think he's impulsive, naive, or awkward. I said it in this post, where I was anxious and exasperated and seeking a tiny bit of solace from parents who've been in similar waters with similar apprehensions or fears.

 

[peace363]

@susanpath32 Glad you found it helpful. My Oldest was given a smartphone when he walked into middle school 10 years ago. I hated that thing and I can see how my anxiety caused our relationship to sour. I can not tell you how devastating it is to put 18plus restrictions on a phone only to find out it blocks useful sites that don’t need it and most kids can easily bypass it. Absolutely frustrating. Cultivating a safe and open relationship is the only way.

 

[ajdar]

@susanpath32 Can you go to the park and read a book from far away to give them space? Or ask if you could talk to mom and meet them in person so you know who he is hanging out with?

 

[susanpath32]

@ajdar That's a great suggestion, thank you