Going from 0 to 3 kids...tips?

tongdtbds4

New member
Hi all— we are in the beginning stages of a pre-adoptive foster care placement. The kiddos haven’t come to our house yet but unless something changes it’s highly highly likely that they will be on their way in the next few weeks/month. We are going to go from zero kids to 3–7(F), 9(F), and 15 (M). I see so many great tips on this sub, but if you had to give me your top tips or hacks what would they be? Thanks!
 
@tongdtbds4 My wife and I did the exact same thing. Or kids were 3, u and 14 at the time. That was a few years ago.

Teen...
So first off, puberty is horrible... When the honeymoon phase passes, and it will, dealing with an issue from the teen, I find easier to let them, and yourselves, have some time before talking about it and trying to sort it out. Probably 1 in every 6 issues we have need to be sorted out then and there; otherwise it can wait. Doesn't always take all the tension away, but it makes conversations more fruitful. If they need counseling, hope on it, but always talk to them about it. We'd ask our teen if they wanted it, and for the first year it was a no, but eventually that changed. Talk about birth mom still happens quite regularly.

"The littles"
It's only been there years, and I've seen our daugther, now 10, change so much. It's sad because she isn't a little girl anymore and doesn't watch Barbie movies and come knock on our door to tell us everything that happened in the movie. That's one small example, but they're both getting bigger and maturing. Ugh. I always heard the cliche of "kids grow up so fast" and dang do they. Limit the amoubt of toys they have. They only play with a handful, but tear their room apart so easily with all the other crumby toys they've gotten over they few years. Every year, we do a "physical cleanser" to get rid of some.

Yourselves
Self care. Seriously b self care. I felt like a started to mourna year or so after they moved in. I mourned that I couldn't play video games loudly at night, that we couldn't go out whenever, just mourned that I used to have a childless life. My life is amazing, and I've come to terms with that, but self care is essential. "Even the world's greatest wines need to be uncorked from time to time". So self care. Self care. Be prepared for everyone to tell you what an amazing thing you're doing (which I hate). If funding or any other services are available, really consider them.

Family
This is going to sound weird, but a sock bin is a life saver. When organizing laundry, just throw all the socks in one bin and everyone can grab them when they need. I thought it was weird, but a lot of other people on r/parenting do it. Have movie nights. Go through the drive thru car wash and get the rainbow soap. Let then sleep in the living room once in awhile. Small things can be super big in their lives.

That being said, while I was writing this last paragraph, I let them stay downstairs with their cousin last night and I had to pause what I was writing to come deal with that craziness. That's when I put on the heavy footsteps and Samuel l Jackson face. It's all acting.

And self care.

Adoption is hard; "hurry up and get this signed and then wait a couple months for us to get back to you" was the norm.

Send me a message if you want to know anything else as we were on that same boat.
 
@tongdtbds4 Foster kids tend to struggle with constipation from the stress of living in a new home. Have some Miralax around, and talk to your pediatrician about how to use it. A good starting dose is half a capful of powder for the younger kids, and a whole capful for the older one, nightly, stirred into a tall glass of water, as needed to cause at least one daily soft bowel movement. If they’re having to strain with BMs, this usually really helps. Apple juice can help temporarily but long-term can cause obesity, and a lot of kids get hooked on the sugar and will have tantrums if they don’t get juice when they want it, once they get used to it.
 
@tongdtbds4 Have a routine, or a rough one atleast until you settle. After school-homework, chores, then free time til dinner. Then have a shower/hot water schedule,( not sure how big your tank is) you'll get sick of cold water quick. Even if the hot water isn't an issue, a shower/bath schedule to keep the kids on track and less fighting with girls lol. Keep in mind your dishwasher and washing machine uses hot upon choice, but a routine will help you get those the bad days too.
 
@tongdtbds4 My parents fostered when I was a teenager and I’m close now with families who foster. It is excruciatingly difficult. That’s not me trying to discourage you, just prepare you (you’re probably already prepared for this, though).

Remember what success is: that they’re able to grow in your home to become healthy adults through the live and care you give them.

Make all the freezer meals you can do dinner is one less stress. Borrow freezer space from friends, if you have to!
 
@tongdtbds4 We did something similar, fostered then adopted 5 siblings. We already had 2 of our own so we had already made the hardest jump, which is no kids to any kids. Without knowing more specifics I'll just put down since of my experiences:

-Due to the traumatic nature of their separation (and lives before that) we started with in home counseling and BST services the same week they came to live with us HOWEVER that was something we had to push our case worker for and it only lasted 6 months; after that we had to go get psychological services on our own. 3 in the five, and my Biological son, still receive counseling or to take medication to this day. Not sure of your situation but I would have a GOOD child psychologist in mind.

-The same goes for pediatrics, DFS has a pediatrician in house and we HATED him, plus it was way on the other side of town. If you have parent friends try to get a good pediatrician recommended to you before the kids show up.

-With our sibling group the oldest had been the main caretaker of his siblings, he made sure they went to school, fed them, protected them (insert horror story here), etc. It was hard for him at first to step out of that role and concentrate on just being a kid himself. I don't know if your 15 yo is from a similar situation but if so, be patient and try and communicate as much as possible with him. I went through counseling with him; I had to prove to him that we both wanted the kids to be safe and happy but at the same time that I expected things from him as a parent. It was a learning experience, to say the least.

-With traumatized kids I had to let go of a lot of the parenting notions I had before them, like defiant behavior and food hoarding. Once again, don't know their situation but be prepared for a lot of weird behaviours and be open with your counselor/psychologist.

-Snacks are always a good idea

Just off the top of my head things, Good luck!
 
@arenee It's amazing how much bad mood / random stroppiness is actually down to hunger in a growing child, they just don't always know how to express or manage that themselves!

One other thought: when one of mine is having a meltdown I go through a mental checklist of the basics before diving into whatever the specific issue at hand is - has the child eaten recently, have I been distracted and not given him or her attention when they were looking for it in a benign way, has she/he had a good overnight sleep and / or nap if young enough - have I been unreasonable or snappy because of any of the above affecting me (we're all human too!).
 
@arenee For real though. I have an entire shelf on the pantry dedicated to kid snacks. And an entire drawer in the fridge.

Have rules. But try to let the little things go. Let them know behavior expectations.
 
@tongdtbds4 Use the resources which any of the associated agencies provide.

Have a plan for daily living.

Have a back up plan.

These kids are already their own persons; roll with it and adjust your plans and expectations accordingly.

Good luck, OP. May God Bless you and your huge heart.
 
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