Feelings about co parent having a baby

[4lifephotography]

My ex and I have a complicated relationship, we co parent my 2 kids.

Back story we separated like 3.5 years ago. He was having an affair with a girl I knew and even had her over to my house a few times while it was happening. He was an absolute monster to me for 2 years and as much as I’ve moved on I’m not over the way I was treated. I am pretty good with being cordial most the time. So anyways my ex as of right now is very hot/cold. He is either trying to be my best friend or is calling me trash. All to which I basically don’t react to.

He told me in the summer that she is now pregnant, I honestly didn’t really care but it’s been so heavily pushed on me it’s to the point it’s getting under my skin. It started with him telling me and saying he’s stressed and is nervous about having another kid. I was like “oh ,well good luck” but in my head I was just like “ ” . Then it was him asking if I had leftover baby things, asking me questions about how to throw a baby shower, complaining about his girlfriend being hormonal ( I was like “this is inappropriate and you should probably talk to someone else about it other than me”) , she personally invited me to the baby shower and said “ I hope we can all be a big happy family” I was like “I’m sorry, I don’t really want to go” and sent my kids with a gift for the baby, my ex asked me to make a shadow box to match my kids ones and I said “no , she can make one” the last time I talked to both of them he was like “are you excited for our kids to get a brother” and my response was “they are excited but I personally would like to distance myself from it . No hard feelings I just like to keep my life separate”. Their thoughts and feelings are so chaotic and I like my peaceful life.

Now today. Her water broke and they called me while I was on break at work to tell me and I was like “do I need to send someone to pick up the kids” they were like “ no , they are are the neighbours and will be dropping them off when you get home” then they kept telling me how the labor is going I was like “break is over , bye”. They called me at 7 to say goodnight to the kids (whatever fine) and then just called me again to update ( the kids are sleeping) after that call I actually cried. They broke through my shell. I am not jealous of her, I have had 0 cares about this pregnancy up until this point but is actually upsetting me now. I spent 10 years with my ex and I didn’t think this would be my reality and it hurts. I’m genuinely happier out of that relationship than I’ve been my entire adult life but the hurt of seeing my ex have a baby with the girl he was actively cheating on me with is a sting. It’s bringing back old hurt and in general I’m so beyond annoyed with them both.

Is this normal ?

 

[joeysoley]

@4lifephotography Perfectly normal. It is normal to be upset that they are going to go play family, after they destroyed your children’s family. It’s frustrating having these happy moments essentially thrown in your face. It’s easier when you can keep the wall up, and they don’t even respect that. They keep peeking over it trying to involve you in their life.

 

[4lifephotography]

@joeysoley I feel like I’m a few more instances away from being like “ I just genuinely can’t stand either of you”.

I won’t because it would cause more problems than it’s worth but I often think to myself “ why her” my ex is a different battle that’s much worse but I swear this girl has been around me for 8 years and not once did I ever like her. The first time I met her was before kids , my ex’s friend said that I should try and go out with the girls for a girls night ( they were always part of his friend group but not the main people) so anyways I go out with these girls and they are all wasted before I even get there, drunk and falling all over the place and I was embarrassed and I saw her go into an ally and have her nipple sucked on by some girl I know’s husband ( I’m not a partier and this was genuinely living hell for me). I’d see her around for years but mostly just in passing. The next time i met her we were having a low key get together in my back yard and one of the other people invited her. She was obnoxious as hell and then offered me coke. I’ve never done a drug in my life and I kicked her off my property (nicely) and told her that this isn’t the type of house you can bring your drugs too. The last actual full meeting ( before my separation) my ex was having the affair at the time and he had her and 2 other girls over and he was saying “she’s looking for a babysitting job and we are going to need a babysitter when you go back to work in a few weeks” which looking back on is one of the ickiest things they have ever done.

I hate that these are the people I’m forced to associate with.

 

[joeysoley]

@4lifephotography You have a right not to stand them, they showed their character, and it is not good. I will never understand why a cheater and their affair partner thinks it’s cute, to try and bring the affair partner into the fold. He really would’ve had to babysit your children, that just a huge violation of trust by both of them. People say we should hold the cheater accountable, and I agree. However, I will never understand or respect a woman that steps on another woman for a man. Do they think they won some prize by getting a man that cheats? Woo-hoo, you got a man that would hurt his children and partner to get a side piece aren’t you the luckiest chick in the world. Know that the odds of it staying her is slim.

I would be done, and let him know that if it’s not an emergency send it via email.

 

[4lifephotography]

@joeysoley It’s wild behaviour to me.It was a blessing in disguise because I was really forcing myself to stay at the end but the affair was really the final straw. I also had to learn a lot of self worth after that because I would never let myself end up in that position again.

Life is a struggle but god damn my house and my life have an over all feeling of peace and even his dumb shit usually leaves me unbothered. I think today is a big thing and I need to feel my feelings and go back to my own peace again for the morning.

 

[absonite]

@4lifephotography How did you learn your self worth?
My ex cheated on me with someone in his cousins friends group, a girl who was always around and every time he went out drinking he wouldn’t come home. After we had our son, we broke up and he was with the girl I was always worried about within 3 months.

I couldn’t imagine them pregnancy and a new baby in my face, but my usual reaction would be to laugh, and tell them that’s their karma.. it’s not always butterflies and rainbows esp because I already had his kid and didn’t like being with him

 

[4lifephotography]

@absonite I’m sorry that happened.

For me it was learning to reprogram my way of thinking. My entire life revolved around my ex and I really had to individualize myself. From things like I was never allowed to pick what we watched on tv or what restaurant we would eat at. He was very focused on being cool and cared a lot about his image.

I started forcing myself to branch out from that. I tried new things, I started watching tv shows that I wanted to watch, tried new foods, went different places, made new friends, started new hobbies, redecorated my house, bought myself new clothes. Which made me feel more like me than I had felt in years.

From there I also had to work my ass off to get myself to feel independent from him. He was always the one whose job was more important because he made more. I had to work my way up to making more money so I could afford my life on my own. I had to take on a lot of debt initially and then worked 2 jobs and sometimes up to 72 hours a week. It was exhausting and I still work a lot but it’s nice knowing that I am a single mom who pays rent, all the bills, all the kid activities etc by myself as well as actively paying off debts.

Dating in my life now I would never settle. I don’t mean in the way that I want a rich/ hot man or anything but I would never settle for being treated badly. I’ve built myself up this far and I’d rather be single than have anyone treat me badly again. I love my boyfriend, he doesn’t live with me yet but I can tell you if he isn’t worth it I won’t stay with him because there is nothing that would tie me to him. I stayed way longer than I should with my ex because I thought I had to stay together for the kids. I probably would have stayed forever if there wasn’t another woman involved because I felt an obligation to my kids. I know I can do it alone now and I’m fine with that.

Also karma / revenge isn’t worth your thoughts and energy. I can’t stand my ex but I don’t wish harm on him. I just chose to not wish anything. I keep my thoughts to him to an absolute 0 unless it’s directly having an effect on me. He has a new bbq , he got a promotion at work , he is going on vacation . It’s none of my business and it means very little to me. It used to bother me when good things happen to him because he caused so much bad. I genuinely don’t care anymore. My house and my family are my concerns. I make 1/4 of the amount his house hold does and if I were to compare myself I would go insane. What I do have is a stable mental health, a loving family, a space to call my own and kids who are happy and healthy and peace that I never had in the last 3 of the 10 years we were together.

 

[platinum12]

@4lifephotography This comment was something I really needed to read thank you. I'm 9 months seperated from someone who I think cheated or left me for someone else, love of my life or so I thought and I have been so damaged since. Your story gives me such hope.

 

[4lifephotography]

@platinum12 Aw ! I’m glad to hear it gave you hope.

It’s not easy to get over , and maybe you don’t fully get over it because that shit hurts. I will say that time and working on yourself is the magic healer. You start to re get to know yourself at a certain point and that feels really good.

 

[secondstoryempires]

@4lifephotography I think it’s normal for it to sting. for reference, my husband and I just had our first baby and have a good relationship with my SS mum.

We didn’t do any of what you described. It would be so weird to be giving constant pregnancy updates and asking for baby things, giving labour play by plays. The shadow box thing is honestly wild. It’s a lot.

We did coordinate for BM to come collect SS if he was with us when I went into labour and then she kept him for nearly two weeks to help us out. She would ask about the baby at soccer and drop offs and chit chat baby things and memories of SS. She gave us a beautiful gift and a heartfelt message when he was born. Just the nice stuff.

I cant speak for BM but I’m sure it wasn’t entirely easy that her child’s only sibling isn’t her child and to watch the person you thought you’d be with make a beautiful family with someone that’s not you. Even though she ended things it has to be something that makes you stop and think.

I would pop some more boundaries in place around what requires a phone call and what can just be a text and even ask to keep subject matters to your kids. The only thing I will add is this baby is their sibling and as shitty as your ex is acting please let your kids have a positive relationship with this new baby. My SS and our 6 month old have the most beautiful relationship even only seeing each other every 2nd week. X

 

[4lifephotography]

@secondstoryempires I never really thought negatively about this baby. It just didn’t really want anything to do with the whole thing. I found it weird how much they wanted me to be involved. Why ? I wasn’t ever rude , I even bought them a baby shower gift. My kids relationship with their brother is understandable but mine doesn’t make sense. Part of me feels like I’m not the cool understanding co parent like your step kids mom is but I just don’t want to be.

It hurts a little that my kids are getting a sibling with someone other than myself , it hurts more that it’s his affair partner and he blew up my entire life for her including the kids, it hurts that he mentioned my labour yesterday and slightly compared them because both of mine were very high risk pregnancies that caused genuine trauma, and it hurts that it’s being shoved so far in my face.

 

[secondstoryempires]

@4lifephotography People who have affairs or are knowing affair partners are generally either cruel or completely careless.

I can’t imagine having to deal with it. You’re already doing the right thing by the kids by letting them be excited. That’s all you have to do here. I don’t think many people would expect you to have an especially warm coparenting relationship after all of the above, you shouldn’t even have to be communication with SM. That’s not something you’re obliged to do as a coparent.