Feeling alone in not sleep training

[keithparagon]

I’m in the UK so don’t know if it’s particularly bad here but I find it so uncomfortable and isolating how widespread and normalised sleep training/CIO is. I’m the only mum I know that isn’t doing it, and I find it amazing how much mums at baby groups will talk about their sleep training as if it’s as necessary or normal as feeding or changing your baby. Don’t get me wrong, I think sleep training can have it’s place but I think what’s getting to me is that so many people seem to be doing it as a FIRST response to disrupted sleep, or do it even if their baby does even seem to ‘need’ it?! It’s just totally seen as the thing to do, with no critical thinking or seeming research into it. These are things I have heard at baby classes or when meeting other mums

1. (With a 4 month old) ‘yeah we’ve started the sleep training and it’s going well but she’s still waking 2 times a night for a feed so still some work to do’
2. (6mo baby sleeps from 7pm-5am and then needs help resettling) ‘yeah he goes to sleep well but we obviously need to sleep train because of that 5am wake’
3. ‘The sleep consultant said he needs a 2 hour nap over lunch so when he wakes after 30min we just leave him (often crying) until the 2 hours is up.’
4. ‘He sleeps perfectly but it’s time to start sleep training soon so that dad can put him down if needed’
5. ‘The sleep training worked really well but baby is up again 1-2 times a night so we’ll have to start again’
6. ‘They only cried for 1 hour the first night, 30mins the next’

I just find it so sad how little grace is given to babies to just be BABIES and grow, change, be individuals and need support. Luckily I’m pretty confident in not sleep training, but I’m very grateful for this sub otherwise I’d start to think I was the only person in the world!

Anyone else feel alone in it? Or get frustrated/sad when you hear what other people are doing with sleep training?

 

[rebeecawat]

@keithparagon Just wanted to say you're not alone - I think the idea of "training" a baby to do Anything is ludicrous. They're babies! What other mammal in the animal kingdom would do such a thing? And totally agree with you that society pressures children to grow up and be independent way too early. You keep doing what you feel is best for your baby. Personally I try to distance myself from that kind of talk/people - we have completely different views and wouldn't have anything in common - and surround myself (mostly online) with content creators, forums, and books on attachment theory, parenting topics that interest and inspire me.

 

[rebeecawat]

Also to add - my baby has never been forced into anything and she has slept well of her own accord. She's 6months and she sleeps around 13hrs a night, we cosleep so if she wakes up I feed her and we both instantly go back to sleep. It's dreamy. All that talk of sleep consultant/schedules/tracking "wakes" makes me feel queasy and stressed - no thank you!

 

[rebeecawat]

To add - forgot to mention, I'm British but don't live in the UK

 

[ineedjesus1]

@keithparagon It makes me sick to think of babies being sleep trained. I mind my business bc it is not up to me to tell people what to do, but my stomach churns when I read stuff like that. We did not sleep train. I cannot fathom my child crying out for me and just ignoring it. That is horrifying. It’s one thing if you can’t soothe them etc yet you are right there with them (I’ve seen many posts asking about that and I think as long as someone is there trying to help them even if they don’t settle that is still tending to your baby’s needs). It’s another thing to actively avoid helping them. They aren’t learning to sleep on their own, they are learning you won’t come to help them so they might as well stop trying. It’s devastating and it’s like you’re breaking their spirit. Like when people “train” elephants, they are literally breaking their spirit is what they call it. Devastatingly awful.

This is a hill I will die on. I don’t argue with people, and don’t vocally judge them, but it is my belief.

 

[giuseppeverdi]

@ineedjesus1 This is what I came here to say

 

[00sweetpea00]

@ineedjesus1

I cannot fathom my child crying out for me and just ignoring it. That is horrifying.

Same. I really don't get it.

 

[breezelow]

@keithparagon Oh man, same. A mum friend even told me “one day you’re just going to have to do it, it will be heartbreaking but worth it”. Like it’s a developmental thing they’re supposed to go through? No thanks, no thanks.

I also can’t equate “heart breaking” with “worth it”, in this scenario. I’m also lucky that my family is European and sleep training is not really a thing in my country, because I would be suffering and questioning myself right now!

 

[theshelbyd]

@breezelow It's so funny too because research actually shows sleep training doesn't stick. Parents often have to "retrain" their babies which makes me wonder why they think it works vs just a developmental thing

 

[champjm]

@keithparagon The CIO method literally makes my heart hurt. I’d personally never do that to my child. Sleep training doesn’t appeal to me. Helping my kid sleep, sure. But not enforcing anything they don’t want to do.

 

[jorian]

@keithparagon Yeah, I felt the same. My son's almost 4 now, so thankfully we don't have those conversations anymore. But it used to drive me mad, the whole "you NEED to sleep train for your own sanity" (admittedly I was going round the bend from sleep deprivation, he was up every 2 hours for 3 years) but inevitably followed immediately by some variation on "yeah it works temporarily but you have to do it again every [X time frame]". And so many times being told essentially it was my fault for breastfeeding (sorry but any variation on "he wakes up so often because you feed to sleep" translates to "you're doing it wrong and here's how"). Do we say that to cats with kittens? It's BS.

 

[keithparagon]

@jorian Yeah this is my life right now! Good on you for sticking with it

 

[jorian]

@keithparagon Luckily my mum was on my side, we're both too soft to listen to babies cry so she cheered me on. Eventually you do stop having those conversations though, you'll be glad to hear!

 

[walterrutherford]

@keithparagon It does make me sad because every parent who is doing that is actively surprising their natural instincts to respond to their child. Ignoring your biological response to hearing your baby cry by using headphones, white noise, etc just makes me ill. I fell for the concept of sleep training until it came time to do it. There was no way I could follow through. And people pay “sleep consultants” thousands of dollars to come sit in their house overnight and keep them from going in their baby’s room at night.

 

[humblewatchman]

@keithparagon I felt like the odd one out, for a bit. It started with my mil telling us to do CIO ( the extinction method) the first time she met lo at a week old. My best friend and own mother were the only ones who didn't try to push it or even suggest it. Everyone else kept asking when we were going to sleep train and the absolute shocked pitty looks I got were astounding. My fiance would say "soon", which would really piss me off since he was saying that because he believed you HAD to do that to sleep like you did before having a baby, but I'd always say there's no need, lo has been sleeping through the night since 3 months old. Obviously when sick, or teething or during a regression they're not going to sleep as well, but a grown adult wouldn't either. It got to the point I actually got so annoyed whenever someone would bring it up, because I didn't ask nor want the advice, I eventually started putting on the most pissed off face I could, when asked, and would just say "were not." And walk away. I'm pretty sure I would of felt like I was missing something if I didn't end up getting so annoyed though.

 

[euthymios]

@keithparagon I’m a Brit who lives abroad, and all my friends back home sleep trained so I totally get you. I got a LOT of advice because my daughter was a shocking sleeper (like wake every 45 mins shrieking kind of sleeper), but my husband and I chose to persevere without sleep training. It’s just not a part of our parenting ethos to deny basic comfort to our baby.

One day at 16 months, it just clicked. She now goes down for naps and at bedtime super easily. But she was the one who dictated that timeframe. I think long term we’re all much happier for it.

 

[sarabiston]

@keithparagon We never sleep trained. Contact napped, nursed to sleep until 2yo. Almost 3yo now and we got her a twin bed (awhile ago) so we can lay in bed with her and read books until she falls asleep. Is it really that terrible that children want their parents and to cuddle to fall asleep?? I mean I sleep with her Dad and our dog in our room, while she’s all alone in her room, kinda weird to me and her. Our rule is she falls asleep in her room then comes in our bed sometime at night. Last night it was bright out before she came in our room. Couple times she wanted to go to sleep on her own, tried but called us back in haha. It won’t be forever. I can live my life knowing I didn’t mentally traumatize my baby by sleeping “training”. We did try to get her to fall asleep on her own a couple times and she puked from crying so much so…yeah wasn’t gonna work for us.

 

[jekknicky]

@keithparagon lol I’m in the US I have a 6mo girl and I’ve never sleep trained either. my schedule changes all the time and my boyfriend and I go out often and always bring her with us. Since I never put her on a schedule she kind of just fell into her own sleep patterns and will take 2-3 naps throughout the day around the same times. it’s nice because even if we want to go out she’ll just sleep wherever and we don’t have to worry about constricting doing anything. She alwayssssss falls asleep in the car no matter what lol. She’s slept through the night since about a month old. It’s amazing. I think it’s important to just let them figure out their own thing. Obviously if their days and nights are mixed up then intervene in that case but still

 

[gerald3199]

@keithparagon I think I've lucked out in the mum groups I've fallen in with (also UK based). Lots of cosleeping and extended breastfeeding and very very little sleep training talk (its even banned to suggest it in one of the related support Facebook groups).

Mind you, the groups I've gravitated to are all ones linked by the same volunteers that seem involved in the local sling library, peer lactation and feeding support and homeschooling so they're probably a bit more crunchy mum than other groups

 

[awan717]

@keithparagon You aren’t alone at all! I couldn’t bear sleep training! My girl is almost 17 months now, and sleeps like a champ without it!