Feel like I did cio

[davidjhonson]

So today I had my mil over to help with LO, (almost 5m) while I was getting ready for a job interview (shower etc)

LO was tired and was getting upset (he’s also easily frustrated atm, wants to move independently but obvs just not quite there yet) and he was crying in MIL arms.

Now this isn’t a dig at my MIL she is a goddess. Respects any kind of parenting cause I have for my guy & will follow what I prefer. Doesn’t ever push her own experiences on to me unless I ask for help and actually feels like attachment parenting is the most wonderful things.

Anyway my LOs crying escalated and I came in to see him & he was bright red but all smiles when he saw me (mil was trying to soothe him etc but he just wanted me)

We took a break and he went for a wander around the garden w MIL and after a bit they attempted again. He cried and cried until he just stopped.

I feel like I left him to CIO when I knew he wanted me. He was calling for me and I essentially left him. Yes my MIL was soothing him and cuddling him she even contact naps with him bc she knows that’s how we do it.

But I just feel as if I’ve betrayed my little man. That he’s going to hate me because I left him when he needed me. I had to be doing other things and it’s the first time I’ve ever needed to. And I just feel barbaric and horrible.

 

[asphaltpotato]

@davidjhonson I can understand why you feel that way, but honestly i wouldn’t see it that way. It’s not like you left him alone in a crib unsupported to cries endlessly on his own. He had, what sounds like a very loving grandma supporting, holding and loving him through big emotions. Babies and kids are going to cry, it’s normal and expected, it’s how we show up in those moments- with love and support, and that’s all we can do. I don’t think it gets easier hearing your baby cry. You have a great mil and I’m really happy for both you and baby.

 

[rchill1]

@asphaltpotato I really wish I’d understood this when my son was smaller! When he was as little as OP’s I really felt like it was my job to make sure he NEVER cried- but now he’s a toddler I’m understanding that crying is just part of their experience and developmentally normal, and the important thing is that they’re supported through it, and having the goal of zero tears just isn’t a thing

 

[keithparagon]

@davidjhonson Imo CIO only applies when you’re intentionally leaving a baby to cry on their own until they sleep from exhaustion. Your baby was with someone that loved him and he was soothed. He was not abandoned

 

[rageprophet]

@davidjhonson Mom’s brains are wired to feel guilt. That wasn’t CIO - someone was present and responded to baby. Please give yourself some grace. There will be times where baby will cry no matter what, even if you are present (purple crying). This was an isolated incident. I would be concerned if this happened multiple times and no one was present to respond

 

[mfuller]

@davidjhonson So sometimes you just have to do what you have to do. We haven’t done cio with either of my kids, but my first went to daycare for a month when I went back to work and cried every day. (I do still feel terrible about this). My second I was at home during the day but had to go to work for a few hours at night every week to offset the cost of being a SAHM and she stayed with my MIL and she cried for a lot of the time for a month or two. I don’t feel guilty about that because I know she was in a loving, competent caregiver’s arms the entire time and I also had to go to work. I think respond and be there when you can, but sometimes you can’t. The important thing is they learn that you always come back and you will continue to be responsive to their needs.

 

[southwindwoman]

@davidjhonson Urghh I so identify with this— something I figured out in therapy that has helped me immensely is having a more long-term perspective: I don’t want my LO and I to be codependent. Our goal is for her to be a strong, independent person who is confident in herself and able to form her own healthy (non codependent relationships!). That mostly involves me letting go and trusting others who have her best interests in mind…. Of course easier said than done!

 

[kyleeak]

@davidjhonson If he was with a supportive adult it’s not CIO.

 

[animore]

@davidjhonson There was actually a study that showed that supported crying (crying when a loving caregiver is present and making efforts to comfort the child) is totally different on a chemical level from CIO. Intuitively that makes sense to me but I see this question pop up so often it’s making me wanna just go dig up that study again

 

[gorhook]

@animore Exactly !

Your baby being comforted and held by a loving family member, is nothing even close to CIO. Having bonds with family is extremely important and building comfort with his grandma is a great thing for him.